The Democratic National Convention is still a few weeks off (if it ends up happening at all), but Joe Biden is rumored to announce his running mate this week, and he pledged to select a woman as his Vice President. Here are some of the names reported as being on the campaign’s shortlist, as well as a few others that have been bandied about…

Elizabeth Warren: Her powerful message of structural change and reputation for meticulous planning are more appealing than ever in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, and her potential to both shore up Biden’s sometimes anemic campaigning and serve as an olive branch and gesture of good faith to disgruntled progressives is a huge plus, but come on, do you really think that a Democratic Party that legitimately thought Joe Biden was the best guy to take on Trump will see that

Kamala Harris: Seemingly making far less of an effort to lobby for the role than most of the other contenders yet apparently at or near the top of the Biden campaign’s list, which I guess is in keeping with how Biden won the nomination

Amy Klobuchar: She’s far too moderate to appeal to frustrated progressives, and she has this deeply discomfiting habit of looking all smug while talking about how it’s unfeasible to so much as dream of a better life, and yet it was her record on police shootings while serving as a Minnesota prosecutor finally drawing scrutiny over a decade after the fact once the nation finally woke up to the horrors police brutality that did in her bid to be Biden’s running mate. All of which says many things about the state of the country and the Democratic Party, none of them good

Tulsi Gabbard: Gabbard would—wait, she’s not being seriously considered according to any recent stories about Biden’s shortlist? Oh, thank God

Stacey Abrams: I had a joke here about how her aggressive lobbying to be Vice President showed just the sort of hustle that might offset Biden’s complete lack of it, but then I learned that Atlas Shrugged is one of her three favorite books, and I’m no longer in the mood for jokes of any kind

Sarah Palin: Hey, it was Biden himself who said he’d be open to a Republican running mate, not me

Val Demings: With the world still roiling with protests calling attention to the continued oppression of Black people and the horrifying specter of police brutality, there would be no more galaxy-brained centrist Democrat move than, feeling that it would be best to have a Black woman on the ticket, selecting Demings, a Black woman who spent almost 30 years as a cop

Gretchen Whitmer: She apparently couldn’t keep her own husband from trying to circumvent the very lockdown orders she had imposed as governor of Michigan, which I think would make her exactly the sort of woman the campaign is looking for

Tammy Duckworth: A biracial woman who rose to the rank of lieutenant colonel across more than a decade of service in the Army, embarked upon an entire second career as a politician after losing her legs in Iraq, and both completed a PhD and gave birth while being a sitting member of Congress, it’s hard to think of anyone who can more effectively contrast with Donald Trump when they face off in the vice-presidential debate

Karen Bass: Oh neat, she was one of the first Representatives to cosponsor the Green New Deal! Ah, wait, that means she has zero chance of being named as Biden’s running mate. Still, pretty cool

Maggie Hassan: Were the junior Senator from New Hampshire chosen, the state’s Republican governor would name her replacement—which, who knows? Might be the play for a Democratic Party that’s quite enjoying not having a Senate majority and thus not having any responsibility to actually bring the things the people are clamoring for into law

Gina Raimondo: The Rhode Island governor endorsed Michael Bloomberg in the primaries, so perhaps the Biden team is mulling her selection as a way to convince Bloomberg to actually spend some of his incomprehensible fortune to help the Democratic nominee like he said he would

Keisha Lance Bottoms: I know next to nothing about her, but if Killer Mike deigns to stand by your side, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re on the right side of history

Susan Rice: Whoa! Momentarily in consideration for Secretary of State before the Republican obsession with Benghazi compelled her to withdraw her bid? On the board of directors for Netflix? Publicly mulled a Senate challenge to Susan Collins after Collins voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, only to ultimately decide against it once the hubbub had died down? Never held elected office? SIGN 👏 US 👏 UP 👏

Tammy Baldwin: I can’t see her chances of selection being all that high given that she isn’t even the most well-known Tammy on the vice-presidential shortlist

None of the above, because Biden falls ill or an emerging scandal makes him step down before he names a running mate and the DNC installs Andrew Cuomo as the nominee: Jesus Christ Joe listen to me you HAVE to name someone before this happens COME ON JOE DO IT NAME SOMEONE NOW

 

Images: Most in public domain, others from Gage Skidmore and Roger H. Goun.