Winners and Losers

Winners and Losers from Election Day 2017

WINNERS: 

Chris Christie: Just going to leave the governor’s mansion a free man, huh

Virginia: Its people elected America’s first transgender state legislator, a Democratic Socialist candidate, and also Ralph Northam, I guess (more…)

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Winners And Losers From The U.S.A.’s Elimination From The World Cup

WINNERS: 

The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team: Given the current geopolitical climate, avoid an uncomfortable trip to Russia next summer

Panama: Will replace the U.S. at the World Cup, making the fact that the U.S. beat them 4-0 just this past Friday that much funnier

Landon Donovan: Was smart to retire when he did

Iceland, Portugal, Serbia, Belgium, Costa Rica, Panama, Uruguay: Just reminding y’all that these nations, whose combined population is about a sixth of the United States’, all managed to qualify for the World Cup by beating either the same or harder opposition than the U.S. faced

Donald J. Trump: Proven right, as the U.S. clearly demonstrated that it was tired of winning

LOSERS: 

The United States Soccer Federation: In fairness, could not possibly have foreseen that their desperation-fueled appointment of a crappy, uninspiring coach might come back to bite them

Serious assessments of the U.S.’s technical and tactical failures: Already being ignored in favor of criticizing the team’s lack of “personality”

Trinidad and Tobago: Should feel pretty bad about spoiling three hundred million people’s dreams of seeing their country stumble to a limp third-place finish in their World Cup group

Christian Pulisic: The only American player I’m going to miss seeing at the World Cup, which is damning in its own way

Bruce Arena: Ultimately, you have to chalk up this defeat to Arenal failure

The terrible pun I just subjected you to: I am so, so sorry

Chile: Also failed to qualify for the World Cup today, which is notable because they’re an actually good team

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Winners And Losers From Our Current Mess

 

WINNERS: 

The National Anthem: The third song off Radiohead’s Kid A remains a bizarre, fascinating classic

The 1800s: Roy Moore’s victory in the Republican primary for Alabama’s vacant Senate seat was a major coup for the embattled century (more…)

Winners and Losers from Steve Bannon’s Ouster

WINNERS: 

Game of Thrones: Was referenced by people close to Bannon today, which just might provide this little-known fantasy series with the popularity boost its fans have long felt it deserves

ClickHole: Can now be officially recognized for publishing the seminal account of the Bannon era

Democrats: Now that the administration’s sole remaining bastion of conservative thought is gone, have regained control of the White House (more…)

Winners and Losers from Sean Spicer’s Resignation

 

Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary literally, like, a couple hours ago. Who wins and who loses from this turn of events? Let’s find out. 

WINNERS: 

Sean Spicer: I mean, duh

Donald Trump: The appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director reinforced that he is a Big, Independent President Man totally above the objections and whims of his underlings, with the exception of course of his son-in-law (more…)

Winners And Losers From The UK Election And The Comey Hearings

Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here. 

WINNERS:

Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020 (more…)