WINNERS: 

Amy Klobuchar: I hadn’t quite appreciated it until now, but this debate convinced me. Amy Klobuchar… is from the Midwest

Elizabeth Warren: The biggest mark against her is that she didn’t get to spend the entire debate dunking on Michael Bloomberg and shattering the backboard in the process, knocking Michael Bloomberg on his ass with a single shift of her hips, sticking out an arm and shoving Michael Bloomberg into oblivion, mugging Michael Bloomberg at The Corkscrew on the very last lap

Tom Steyer: Honestly, how is it that some random gazillionaire I’ve never heard of has a more appealing and progressive message than two-thirds of the other candidates left in the race

Communist Russia: Though the USSR has long since collapsed, its ghost lives on as a thing you can invoke to criticize popular proposals like Medicare For All without having to acknowledge how much money you’ve received from vested interests in the healthcare sector

The descriptor [crosstalk] in debate transcripts: Had an absolute banner night

LOSERS: 

Michael Bloomberg: Bloomberg’s main role in this primary seems to have become absorbing ire that would otherwise be directed at Bernie Sanders, which can’t have been the intention

Bernie Sanders: Had the sort of night that’ll be characterized as a disaster by the sort of people who rarely experience any greater stress or discomfort than having someone on TV raise their voice at them every so often

Joe Biden: Look, if you can’t even push back against the time limits on on the debate stage, how are you going to push back against Republican opposition in Congress?

Pete Buttigieg: Why oh why can’t we live in the wonderful, wonderful alternate universe where Mayor Pete uses his fearsome intelligence and remarkable eloquence in full-voiced and wholly sincere support of universal healthcare and the dismantling of capitalism

 

Header image by DonkeyHotey.