The Complete Priebus Lost

Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.


Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII


Book IX

Book X

Winners And Losers From The March 15 Democratic Debate And The Coronavirus


Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders: Both gave assured, confident performances that will convince their respective bases that they won without really changing the balance of the race very much

Joe Biden: Largely avoided being called out for his lies about never being willing to cut Social Security or his attempt to smear pro-Bernie groups like the Sunrise Movement as dark money super PACs, which definitely didn’t hurt


Winners And Losers From The February 25 Democratic Debate


Amy Klobuchar: I hadn’t quite appreciated it until now, but this debate convinced me. Amy Klobuchar… is from the Midwest

Elizabeth Warren: The biggest mark against her is that she didn’t get to spend the entire debate dunking on Michael Bloomberg and shattering the backboard in the process, knocking Michael Bloomberg on his ass with a single shift of her hips, sticking out an arm and shoving Michael Bloomberg into oblivion, mugging Michael Bloomberg at The Corkscrew on the very last lap


Winners And Losers From The February 19 Democratic Debate And The Nevada Caucuses


Elizabeth Warren: With her standing in the polls dwindling, Warren seemed to throw the gloves off at the debate and go all-in as the Mad Max to Bernie’s Imperator Furiosa. The Berserker Armor to Bernie’s Guts. The Tim Gutterson to Bernie’s Raylan Givens. The Garrincha to Bernie’s Pelé. The Time Wizard to Bernie’s Baby Dragon. The Joe Biden to Bernie’s Barack Obama (?)

Bernie Sanders: Wow, it’s almost like the self-evident moral urgency of his message, combined with the obvious smarminess of the opponents who decry it as excessive or unambitious, makes such a good case for him that millions of Americans are rallying to him or something


Winners And Losers From The February 7 Democratic Debate And The Iowa Caucuses


Bernie Sanders: Not only did Sanders win the popular vote in Iowa, the complete failure of the Democratic Party’s caucus app and the transparency of their attempts to relitigate the results to keep him from winning will only reinforce the self-defeating crookedness of the existing party system and his opposition to it, which will only help his image. Wait, there was supposed to be a joke here somewhere

Bill Weld: With a stunning 1.3% of the vote in the Republican caucuses, showed that his primary challenge to Donald Trump won’t be dismissed that easily


Winners And Losers From The January 2020 Democratic Debate


Joe Biden: You’d think one of his political rivals would have used these debates to call his political record or past statements into question, or point out any one of the myriad swords of Damocles which hang over his head and would surely damage his chances in a general election, but I guess that slipped their minds

Amy Klobuchar: Proved that she has the crucial ability to make connections, as evidenced by her close friendship with Kansas governor Uh… Kelly