The Complete Priebus Lost

Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

Winners And Losers From The January 2020 Democratic Debate

WINNERS: 

Joe Biden: You’d think one of his political rivals would have used these debates to call his political record or past statements into question, or point out any one of the myriad swords of Damocles which hang over his head and would surely damage his chances in a general election, but I guess that slipped their minds

Amy Klobuchar: Proved that she has the crucial ability to make connections, as evidenced by her close friendship with Kansas governor Uh… Kelly

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the December Democratic Debate

WINNERS: 

Tom Steyer: Is uncomfortably good at this for a guy who bought his way onto the stage*

Joe Biden: Look, let’s just save ourselves a bunch of anguish later and admit that he’s not quite bad enough at this to lose the nomination (more…)

Winners and Losers from the November 2019 Democratic Debate

You know, the one on Wednesday, November 20, 2019 on NBC?

WINNERS: 

Pete Buttigieg: Put in a stellar performance that made him the night’s clear winner, which is great, because he’s young and handsome and eloquent and absolutely not duplicitous or lacking in genuine convictions or willing to sell out his policy platform to the highest bidder or anything like that

Amy Klobuchar: Her line about having raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends was one of the all-time great debate jokes, and happily, it saves me the trouble of having to come up with a joke for this entry myself

(more…)

Winners And Losers From The October 2019 Democratic Debate

Apparently there are going to be eight more of these?!

WINNERS: 

The climate crisis: Was not the topic of a single question during the debate, which must mean it’s no longer a pressing issue. We solved it, y’all! High fives all around

Pete Buttigieg: Once again, was arguably the most polished and eloquent person on the debate stage, cleverly distracting people from his recent shift to the right apparently bankrolled by billionaires and lobbyists

(more…)

Winners and Losers From The September 13 Democratic Debate

Yet another debate is in the books! Here’s who won and who lost.

WINNERS: 

Beto O’Rourke: Gave some excellent, passionate answers on gun control and racial justice, suggesting that he’s finally building up a tolerance to the sedatives his handlers have been slipping him before every debate

Pete Buttigeg: Cemented his place as the candidate who sounds the best when you listen to what they say, but don’t really listen to what they say

(more…)

Winners and Losers From The Second 2020 Democratic Debates

These are the two debates that took place on July 30 and 31, 2019, to be clear. So, technically, the third and fourth Democratic debates. 

WINNERS:

Donald Trump: Every pundit was saying that Trump would benefit from all this Democratic squabbling, so it must be true. Never mind the example of the Republican debates four years ago, which gave the right hours of free airtime to lob unanswered attacks against Hillary Clinton and shape the narrative of the entire campaign

Audience protestors: Their chants of “[inaudible yelling]!” and “[indecipherable] deportations!” will live long in the memory

(more…)

Winners and Losers From The First 2020 Democratic Debates

The road to 2020 began in earnest this week! Here’s who won and lost from the two-day first debate. 

WINNERS:

Marianne Williamson: Never in my lifetime did I think I’d see a walking embodiment of a trance music voiceover run for president

Elizabeth Warren: Really nice of NBC to give her the rest of the night off after her spectacular opening 30 minutes

(more…)