The Complete Priebus Lost

At last, it is finished. Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is, dare I say, the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

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Pleasant, Lighthearted Predictions For Season 5 Of BoJack Horseman

The trailer for season 5 of BoJack Horseman just dropped, which means it’s time for another round of predictions about the show! But whereas last year I went with the easiest, laziest predictions I could muster, this year I’m going to try and keep things a little more upbeat, focusing on the pleasant, optimistic side of a show that can sometimes be so dour! Here we go! 

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Winners And Losers From This Week’s Treason

WINNERS: 

Argentina: At least the spirit of revolution against an incompetent government is alive in this South American nation, evidenced by the players of its national football team rising up against their coach halfway through the World Cup

Latent, unconsummated homophobia: Finally, a generation of liberals have an excuse to let out this long-repressed emotion in lieu of coming up with any actual jokes or insights about the relationship between Trump and Putin

Europe: I mean, they’re getting screwed over on the Russia thing too, but at least they’re trying to do something about the excessive massing of power in the hands of a small number of colossal corporations (more…)

Winners And Losers From The World Cup

WINNERS: 

France: Obviously

Kylian Mbappé: Became the first teenager to score in a World Cup final since Pelé, which is in no way resulting in a rash of overblown and unwarranted comparisons

Horrendous goalkeeping errors in high-profile games: With Sven Ulreich, Loris Karius, David de GeaWilly Caballero, Fernando Muslera, and Hugo Lloris all taking part, this hot summer trend is sweeping football stadiums everywhere (more…)

This Account Of Brazilian Incompetence At The World Cup Is Just Unbelievable

Over the weekend, Brazilian outlet Globo published an account of the staggering incompetence on the part of representatives of the CBF, the Confederation of Brazilian Football, at the 2018 FIFA World Cup. It’s a record of stupidity and disarray so staggering, I had to translate it for an English-speaking audience. This is a fairly quick translation, which is why the cadence and sentence structure still rings of the original Portuguese. All credit goes to the original writers, Alexandre Lozetti, Edgard Maciel de Sá, Martín Fernandez and Tossiro Neto.

While the players and technical commission of the Brazilian national team work to put their extensive planning into practice at the World Cup, and coach Tite demands excellence in every training session and on-field action, the CBF’s  participation in Russia has been a disaster. From voting for the wrong 2026 World Cup host to smashing a glass over a fan’s head, the scandals continue to widen the abyss between the efficiency Brazil’s team has shown on the pitch in recent years and the chaos of its administration.   (more…)

Who The Hell Is Don Blankenship?

Don Blankenship is one of the Republican candidates hoping to unseat West Virginia’s Democratic Senator Joe Manchin this fall. Yesterday, he released the following campaign ad, which cements him, even in the age of hideous Republicans like Roy Moore and Arthur Jones, as an all-time awful candidate:

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The Very Tall James Comey Is On The Warpath

This has been a remarkable week for former FBI Director James Comey, who is six feet eight inches tall.

Comey, who is the same height as star athlete LeBron James (whose last name is, coincidentally, the same as his (Comey’s) first name), is best known, of course, for his letter to Congress in October 2016 advising that new emails had surfaced of potential importance to the FBI’s Clinton investigation, a revelation that likely tipped the presidential election in Donald Trump’s favor.  (more…)

The Best Sport In The World Returns Tomorrow

Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet, and it starts its 2018 season tomorrow in Qatar.

I understand that “Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet” might be a controversial statement, so let me be clear: I have come to realize that Grand Prix motorcycle racing, or MotoGP as it is better known, is as close as a sport can come to being objectively perfect, an intoxicating combination of daredevil athleticism with tight, ferocious competition.

Here, in a few bullet points, is why it’s so great. (more…)