Winners and Losers from the G.O.P.’s Healthcare Debacle

Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history: 

WINNERS: 

The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup

Barack Obama: Well, duh (more…)

The G.O.P. Couldn’t Pass Their Healthcare Bill, and Other Utterly Incomprehensible Phenomena

Earlier today, the Republican leadership in the House pulled their proposed healthcare bill from consideration, saying that, despite having a Republican majority in Congress that has long vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act, their attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act didn’t have enough votes to pass.

It’s a truly stunning development, one nobody could have expected.

How did the GOP fail to pass this bill? (more…)

BREAKING: MAJOR REVELATIONS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP (SERIOUSLY.)

Folks. FOLKS. You’re gonna want to hear this. It concerns Donald Trump, and it could be big—very big. I’m telling you, you don’t want to miss this. That’s right, folks, you’d best stay tuned. Don’t touch that dial. I mean, that metaphorical dial. TVs these days don’t have dials. In fact, I’m not sure an old TV with dials even works anymore what with the digital signals. Can someone get on that? [shouts backstage] LARRY! Get on the dials thing!

Anyways, like I said, and like I’m saying again, this could be a big deal, which is why I’m saying it again, for emphasis. Like, this is serious business. You know what I mean? Just in case you don’t, I’ll say it again, with even a little more emphasis than last time: this could be a big deal. (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Oscars

The Oscars were last night. Who won and lost them? To find out, you could check this plain, un-embellished list of the winners, if you’re, like, boring or have no desire to read Hot Take About The Oscars That Is Very Similar To The Other Seven Billion Hot Takes About The Oscars I’ve Read Today #7,000,000,001. Otherwise, stick around here for some juicy editorializing. 
(more…)

An Early Look at the Democrats’ Potential 2020 Presidential Candidates

Well, 2016 really couldn’t have gone any worse for the Democratic Party at any level. And with Republican control of legislatures at both the federal and state level killing the chances of young Democrats to rise to prominence, the talent pipeline is looking awfully thin for the party right now. But that doesn’t mean the party is completely bereft of rising stars who could run in 2020! Here’s a look at the early candidates: (more…)

Raves

[Intro: Donald Trump]
So-called judge!

[Verse 1: Kellyanne Conway + (Donald Trump)]
Fake news run this bitch like (So-called judge!)
He just moan and bitch like
Yeah he just moan and bitch like
Say he be talkin’ shit like
He just some stupid rich guy
Yeah they suckin’ liberal dick like
It can save their ass in this fight
That’s why he raves
(more…)