The Complete Priebus Lost

Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

Who Will Be Joe Biden’s Running Mate?

 The Democratic National Convention is still a few weeks off (if it ends up happening at all), but Joe Biden is rumored to announce his running mate this week, and he pledged to select a woman as his Vice President. Here are some of the names reported as being on the campaign’s shortlist, as well as a few others that have been bandied about…

Elizabeth Warren: Her powerful message of structural change and reputation for meticulous planning are more appealing than ever in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, and her potential to both shore up Biden’s sometimes anemic campaigning and serve as an olive branch and gesture of good faith to disgruntled progressives is a huge plus, but come on, do you really think that a Democratic Party that legitimately thought Joe Biden was the best guy to take on Trump will see that

Kamala Harris: Seemingly making far less of an effort to lobby for the role than most of the other contenders yet apparently at or near the top of the Biden campaign’s list, which I guess is in keeping with how Biden won the nomination

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Winners And Losers From The March 15 Democratic Debate And The Coronavirus

WINNERS: 

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders: Both gave assured, confident performances that will convince their respective bases that they won without really changing the balance of the race very much

Joe Biden: Largely avoided being called out for his lies about never being willing to cut Social Security or his attempt to smear pro-Bernie groups like the Sunrise Movement as dark money super PACs, which definitely didn’t hurt

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Winners And Losers From The February 25 Democratic Debate

WINNERS: 

Amy Klobuchar: I hadn’t quite appreciated it until now, but this debate convinced me. Amy Klobuchar… is from the Midwest

Elizabeth Warren: The biggest mark against her is that she didn’t get to spend the entire debate dunking on Michael Bloomberg and shattering the backboard in the process, knocking Michael Bloomberg on his ass with a single shift of her hips, sticking out an arm and shoving Michael Bloomberg into oblivion, mugging Michael Bloomberg at The Corkscrew on the very last lap

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Winners And Losers From The February 19 Democratic Debate And The Nevada Caucuses

WINNERS: 

Elizabeth Warren: With her standing in the polls dwindling, Warren seemed to throw the gloves off at the debate and go all-in as the Mad Max to Bernie’s Imperator Furiosa. The Berserker Armor to Bernie’s Guts. The Tim Gutterson to Bernie’s Raylan Givens. The Garrincha to Bernie’s Pelé. The Time Wizard to Bernie’s Baby Dragon. The Joe Biden to Bernie’s Barack Obama (?)

Bernie Sanders: Wow, it’s almost like the self-evident moral urgency of his message, combined with the obvious smarminess of the opponents who decry it as excessive or unambitious, makes such a good case for him that millions of Americans are rallying to him or something

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Winners And Losers From The February 7 Democratic Debate And The Iowa Caucuses

WINNERS: 

Bernie Sanders: Not only did Sanders win the popular vote in Iowa, the complete failure of the Democratic Party’s caucus app and the transparency of their attempts to relitigate the results to keep him from winning will only reinforce the self-defeating crookedness of the existing party system and his opposition to it, which will only help his image. Wait, there was supposed to be a joke here somewhere

Bill Weld: With a stunning 1.3% of the vote in the Republican caucuses, showed that his primary challenge to Donald Trump won’t be dismissed that easily

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