The Complete Priebus Lost

At last, it is finished. Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is, dare I say, the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

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Who The Hell Is Don Blankenship?

Don Blankenship is one of the Republican candidates hoping to unseat West Virginia’s Democratic Senator Joe Manchin this fall. Yesterday, he released the following campaign ad, which cements him, even in the age of hideous Republicans like Roy Moore and Arthur Jones, as an all-time awful candidate:

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The Very Tall James Comey Is On The Warpath

This has been a remarkable week for former FBI Director James Comey, who is six feet eight inches tall.

Comey, who is the same height as star athlete LeBron James (whose last name is, coincidentally, the same as his (Comey’s) first name), is best known, of course, for his letter to Congress in October 2016 advising that new emails had surfaced of potential importance to the FBI’s Clinton investigation, a revelation that likely tipped the presidential election in Donald Trump’s favor.  (more…)

The Best Sport In The World Returns Tomorrow

Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet, and it starts its 2018 season tomorrow in Qatar.

I understand that “Grand Prix motorcycle racing is the absolute best sport on the planet” might be a controversial statement, so let me be clear: I have come to realize that Grand Prix motorcycle racing, or MotoGP as it is better known, is as close as a sport can come to being objectively perfect, an intoxicating combination of daredevil athleticism with tight, ferocious competition.

Here, in a few bullet points, is why it’s so great. (more…)

How Has Ted Cruz So Thoroughly Misunderstood The Simpsons?

Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride, said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?

(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)

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Priebus Lost: Book 10

EVENTUALLY the execution could
Be stay’d no longer; th’end of Priebus’ time
In the retention of the President,
Long inevitable, drew close at hand,
By telling Hints the imminent event
Confirm’d: most notable th’Appointment made
To a position prominent within the ranks
Of Trump’s devout of the wild Financier,
Rotten-tongu’d Scaramucci, from New York
Of birth, as Trump, and similar in Airs;
This the first Portent, for without consent
From Priebus, though such installations are
The purview of the Chief of Staff, the move
Was made. In swift succession public eyes
Beheld a second Portent, for the Mooch,
Impromptu spirit as his Boss, reach’d out
To those i’th’ mainstream News though Fake, and rag’d
Against th’incriminating Leaks which long
With tales of dissonance amongst the staff
O’th’ White House had defam’d the Trump Regime:

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Priebus Lost: Book 9

THE White House won, by Priebus’ hand restor’d
To G.O.P. Dominion, by his faith
In Trump’s improbable Campaign contriv’d,
The man himself, scheming Reince, expected
The universal shout and high applause
Of his companions in th’Establishment
To fill his ear, but contrary he hears
On all sides, from innumerable tongues
A dismal universal hiss, the sound
Of public scorn, th’accumulate disgust
Of every sort, innumerable diatribes
From those of every stripe begotten; spheres
From alt-right to lib’ral alike afire
With savage condemnation, equal scorn
From Breitbart’s crowd, by his embodiment
Of mainstream Principles, unwelcome sign
O’th’ cucked and feeble G.O.P. command
Hast’ning to place its loathsome check upon
And undermine the plans of Trump too bold
By far for their geriatric Decree,
To blist’ring rage provok’d (though this itself
Was no great deviation from the norm);
From the Snowflakes o’th’ Left, by slight offense
Spurr’d to tyrannic outcry, in this case
Against th’Administration entire, and all
Who make up part of it, as if by noise
Or agitation they might overturn
Or render null th’Election they themselves
Had thought assur’d, and reimpose the fail’d
Agenda just rejected at the Polls
And by Obama’s reign inadequate
For most Americans demonstrated;
And even from th’Establishment itself,
By the reluctance of their Chief of Staff
To offer any countermand to Trump,
Nor e’en the merest obstacle impose
Betwixt the fragile levers of Statecraft
And the bituminous imagination
Now at their helm position’d,
To agitation spurr’d, but yet reserv’d
Far greater worry for th’Agenda they
Through Trump’s success and th’unfettered control
Of ev’ry Branch of Government hoped impose,
But which in dissonance lay mired, with blame
Cast wide, and little progress made. Thus Reince
‘Pon Trump’s inauguration immediately
A miserable Scenario assumed,
Yet soon worse made, for Trump, novitiate
In Washington, yet confident miles far
Beyond all reason, hastens to pursue
His many wild designs, but sells for speed
Invaluable Order, precious Decorum,
Undroppable components of D.C.
Since long-forgotten years, and by their loss
Fresh disarray inspires in the Party,
And their Agenda week by week delays.
Th’Inauguration a bright memory
For all the Right had scarce become when Trump
Upon fresh warpaths opted tread, his ire
At novel targets multitudinous
And fast proliferating opted train.

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