The Amazing Adventures of Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz Spends A Day In A Truck

Mr Cruz addressed the truckers during his visit to the site, noting that high gas prices – which he blamed on Joe Biden’s administration rather than the ongoing war in Ukraine – was hurting the trucker convoy and the rest of the US population.Graig, Graziosi, The Independent (emphasis mine)

The truckers congregated at the Speedway in Hagerstown, Md…. What I had not quite registered until this morning is that, apparently, at the end of each day of this protest of driving in a large circle around the most miserably congested highway in the country, they have been driving back to Hagerstown…. the Hagerstown Speedway sits approximately 68 miles from the nearest point of the Capital Beltway, in Bethesda, Md.Albert Burneko, Defector


“So,” said United States Senator R. Edward “Ted” Cruz, struggling to be heard over the din of truck horns and diesel engines, “they race cars on this?”

“Yep,” said the driver of the flag-festooned semi Ted Cruz had climbed up into, “most Saturday nights, I imagine.”

Ted Cruz winced at the damage the clay surface of Hagerstown Speedway had already done to the mirror sheen of his black wingtips. “Doesn’t the dirt get into the cars?”

“Well, sure, but that’s part of the fun! What, you ain’t never been to a dirt track before?”

“No,” said Ted Cruz, “I guess I haven’t.”

“Well, then you best come back here once we’re all gone!” said his host. “You’re missing out.”

Ted Cruz looked around at the brown clay oval and the dusty grandstands, what he could see of them between the massed ranks of the Freedom Convoy. “I guess I should,” he said, in much the same tone as when he finally agreed to endorse Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential race.

“Yeah, come on down any Saturday night!” began Ted Cruz’s trucker companion as he released the parking brake and began to roll out of the Speedway infield.

“Wait, hold on,” said Ted Cruz, donning the cool black Ray-Bans that, together with his slicked-back hair and gray-streaked beard, he thought made him look very cool and Texan, “let’s get a video of this. For social media.”

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How Has Ted Cruz So Thoroughly Misunderstood The Simpsons?

Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride, said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?

(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)

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Here’s Why Ted Cruz Admitted That He’s The Zodiac Killer

Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all.

– Heidi Cruz

*********************

Thump.

Thump.

Thump. 

Thump. 

Thump. 

Ted Cruz came to on his office floor, his heartbeat thudding through his ears. Ted Cruz got up off the floor. The room was bathed in an orange glow, emanating eerily from Ted Cruz’s laptop. That in itself wasn’t unusual. Somebody had set Ted Cruz’s MacBook to the “Invert Colors” setting some time ago, and he had no idea how to change it back.

Still, Ted Cruz had questions. Why was he, Ted Cruz, slowly gathering himself up off the floor?   (more…)

Ted Cruz Liked A Porn Tweet: Possible Explanations

In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate),  was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW). 

How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.

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Ted Cruz Goes To His 25th Reunion

DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR

Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:

– “Why did I come back?”

– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”

– “I am hot.” (more…)