The Amazing Adventures of Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz Goes To His 25th Reunion

DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR

Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:

– “Why did I come back?”

– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”

– “I am hot.” (more…)

Ted Cruz’s Farmyard Fiasco

“You know, in my family we have a saying,” said Ted Cruz, college sophomore, “and it goes like this: ‘All horse thieves are Democrats, but not all Democrats are horse thieves.’”

“But Ted, you’re—”

“You would do well to notice,” snapped Ted Cruz, “that these are not horses, but goats.”

That was when the windows of the farmhouse lit up.

SIX HOURS EARLIER (more…)

Ted Cruz’s Thanksgiving of Terror

INT: It is Thanksgiving Day in the Cruz Chalet. Ted Cruz, Heidi, their offspring, and their biological forebears are all seated around the traditional Thanksgiving heat-treated solid-protein arrangement. It is time to say grace. They hold hands.

HEIDI: Lord, we are truly thankful for this bounty. And we are thankful for another peaceful and happy year, and all the blessings You have bestowed upon us this y—

[Ted Cruz makes a pained whining sound and an expression of immense suffering washes over his face.]

HEIDI: Oh, goodness, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot—

TED CRUZ: It’s okay. It’s easy to forget. [His facial expression makes clear he will never forget.] Let’s eat. (more…)

Ted Cruz Reconnects With the People of Texas

Austin, Texas. The fourth-largest city in Texas, and the fastest-growing, a fact that always created an uneasy tickle in the lower part of Ted Cruz’s abdomen. Like now. Ted Cruz was thinking about it (the fourth-largest city in Texas thing, and also the fastest-growing bit) and feeling that unpleasant pit below his (Ted Cruz’s) stomach. But this was no time for reflection. Ted Cruz had work to do.

Ted Cruz took a deep breath. This was not going to be fun. But it was part of his (Ted Cruz’s) duties as a Senator from Texas, the largest state by area in the contiguous United States (among other distinctions too numerous to mention here). His (Ted Cruz’s) advisors had recommended a trip here, to a part of Texas he (Ted Cruz) normally didn’t visit, in order to get a feel for his (Ted Cruz’s) constituents and their mentality ahead of his (Ted Cruz’s) reelection campaign (for the United States Senate) in 2018. (more…)

Why Ted Cruz Announced He’s Voting For Trump

Ted Cruz announced today that he will vote for Donald Trump, despite refusing to endorse Trump at the RNC and after Trump had insulted his wife’s appearance and insinuated that his father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK. What’s behind this dramatic, humiliating about-face? Dr. #Content’s agents in the field bring us this report: 

It was the first day of fall, and Ted Cruz was enjoying the brisk air as he walked back home after a long day at the Senate. They’d been in session until almost 2:00 PM, hours that hadn’t been seen since Ted Cruz had shut down the government with his filibustering. Ted Cruz smiled at the memory. Ted Cruz was very proud of what he, Ted Cruz, had done that day: shutting down the government to halt the Obama administration’s overreach in its tracks. A little pep came into Ted Cruz’s step. Ted Cruz began humming one of his favorite tunes, the seminal “Let The Knife Do The Talking” by Hypocrisy. Ted Cruz smiled. Ah, that song brought back such good memories! Could this walk home get any better?

It turned out it could. Ted Cruz stopped in his tracks.

“‘A Discussion of Government Power in the Age of Constitutional Originalism’? And it’s in 15 minutes at American University? The most American university in the D.C. area? Sign me up!” said an excited Ted Cruz. “I can’t believe I hadn’t heard about this before now!”

Behind a tree, two men in frog masks snickered uncontrollably.

(more…)

Explaining the Ted Cruz affair allegations

Ted Cruz is accused by the National Enquirer of having extramarital affairs with at least five women. How is this possible? How did Ted Cruz get close enough to five women for this to be feasible? Three potential explanations: 

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It was 2:00 PM in Washington, DC. The sun was shining, the nation’s brand-new Fords and Chevys were gleaming on display in their driveways, and all the Senators were back at home now that the session had let out for the day. Well, except for one.

“Where’s Teddy?”

“Well, gee willikers, I don’t really know.”

“Gosh, I hope he’s not hurt or been abducted by the Russkies or something! That would be really bad!”

They were about to run off looking for him when they heard a real calumny rise all around the street. They turned around lickety-split to find Teddy Cruz, pedaling excitedly towards them on the bike his parents had given him once he’d started his paper route.

(more…)

Ted Cruz Goes to Homecoming

Ted Cruz’s campaign bus ground to a halt by the curb, spewing steam and water out the radiator. The door opened, and down the steps, in mirror-shine black shoes and silk suit, to tread for the first time in years upon the land he had long ago forsaken, came Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz ‘92, by a snapped fan belt forced to once more roam Princeton University, and on Homecoming no less.