Election 2016

Breaking Down That New York Times Story About How The Trump Administration Can’t Find The White House Light Switches

On Sunday, the New York Times published a doozy of a report alleging that the Trump Administration remains woefully unprepared and underequipped for even the basic task of navigating the White House. There is a lot to unpack in this article, so I’m going to break it down line by line.

Let’s start right at the beginning. (more…)

A Look At Donald Trump’s Cabinet

Our (sigh) next president, Donald J. Trump, is in the process of (fucking hell) assembling his Cabinet. What (ugh) do his choices say about his upcoming (argh) administration? Let’s (Christ) take a look, starting with his CONFIRMED CHOICES: 

Attorney General: Jeff Sessions

“Due to his blatant racism, Sessions’ 1986 nomination—by Ronald Reagan himself—to a district court didn’t even make it out of the Senate Judiciary Committee, which means there’s no way the Senate would confirm him as Attorney General 30 years later,” is a statement some overly optimistic fuckwit is probably making right about now

Secretary of Energy: Rick Perry

Hey, on the plus side, maybe he’ll forget that the Department of Energy exists again (more…)

Winners and Losers from the 2016 Presidential Election

In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true. 

WINNERS:

Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Final Presidential Debate

Last night we saw—at last—the final debate of this [prolonged/torturous/entertaining, but in the same way a car crash is entertaining/highly arousing, though that may be because I am a masochist] presidential season. It was a [fascinating/miserable/refreshingly policy-orienting/disappointingly policy-oriented/extremely sexy] affair that left viewers [tearing their eyes out/tearing their clothes off/blackout drunk/yelling the wrong racial slurs at their television/slipping into a blissful fantasy realm of denial/rock hard/soaking wet]. Here are the winners and losers. 

Nobody: The total absence of people was big winner from the night, and not just because Trump conceded it has more respect for women than he does

Hillary Clinton: With three commanding performances in three debates, accomplished a clean sweep of the sort the Chicago Cubs are desperately wishing they could muster right about now (more…)

Predicting Tonight’s Presidential Debate

Tonight is the third and final showdown between Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. With less than three weeks to go until election day, the stakes have never been higher. Here’s how the night will go down:

Hillary Clinton will once again control both the debate and the narrative around it

Hillary has some significant flaws, but she’s been able to get through two debates without really being exposed. This comes down to two things: One, her poise and indifference has contrasted beautifully with Donald Trump’s blustering interruptions. Without saying a word, or indeed doing much of anything during these moments, she comes across as calm while Trump comes across as an unhinged loon. Two, her campaign has a stockpile of incriminating material on the Donald, which they are strategically releasing both to force Trump on the defensive during and after the debates and to draw attention away from Hillary’s foibles, such as her Wall Street transcripts. You can bet they already have another Alicia Machado-type story just waiting for Hillary to mention during the debate. (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Second Presidential Debate

Last night there was another presidential debate. This made a lot of people very angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. Still, some of the participants came off better than others:

WINNERS: 

Hillary Clinton: I mean, what could she have done that would have made her lose the debate after the last few days Trump has had? Some possibilities:

  • Ripped off her mask and revealed that she was in fact ISIS commander Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
  • Invited Bill to the stage to join her in sacrificing one of the Trump children to Satan (though she might have been OK if it was Tiffany)
  • Smiled less or not done her hair quite so immaculately

(more…)