Bernie Sanders: Not only did Sanders win the popular vote in Iowa, the complete failure of the Democratic Party’s caucus app and the transparency of their attempts to relitigate the results to keep him from winning will only reinforce the self-defeating crookedness of the existing party system and his opposition to it, which will only help his image. Wait, there was supposed to be a joke here somewhere
Bill Weld: With a stunning 1.3% of the vote in the Republican caucuses, showed that his primary challenge to Donald Trump won’t be dismissed that easily
Joe Biden: You’d think one of his political rivals would have used these debates to call his political record or past statements into question, or point out any one of the myriad swords of Damocles which hang over his head and would surely damage his chances in a general election, but I guess that slipped their minds
Amy Klobuchar: Proved that she has the crucial ability to make connections, as evidenced by her close friendship with Kansas governor Uh… Kelly
Yet another debate is in the books! Here’s who won and who lost.
Beto O’Rourke: Gave some excellent, passionate answers on gun control and racial justice, suggesting that he’s finally building up a tolerance to the sedatives his handlers have been slipping him before every debate
Pete Buttigeg: Cemented his place as the candidate who sounds the best when you listen to what they say, but don’t really listen to what they say