Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride,said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?
(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)
The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*
*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”.
Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot (more…)
The Democratic Party: Fundamentally changed their stance on a substantial issue in the space of about three weeks at the behest of their base, which is frankly one of the most astonishing things I’ve ever seen
Women: Now only have to contend with the president, his administration, the political party that holds power in the majority of federal and state legislatures, a huge number of industries and fields, and the vast and all-encompassing socionormative bedrock of human society continuing to condone sexual misconduct (more…)
Robert S. Mueller III: Delivered an important step towards unraveling the ongoing catastrophe at the heart of American government and is about to get a well-earned vacation if the president has any say in the matter
George W. Bush: Ugh, this whole thing will probably further rehabilitate his image, won’t it(more…)
Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all.
– Heidi Cruz
Ted Cruz came to on his office floor, his heartbeat thudding through his ears. Ted Cruz got up off the floor. The room was bathed in an orange glow, emanating eerily from Ted Cruz’s laptop. That in itself wasn’t unusual. Somebody had set Ted Cruz’s MacBook to the “Invert Colors” setting some time ago, and he had no idea how to change it back.
Still, Ted Cruz had questions. Why was he, Ted Cruz, slowly gathering himself up off the floor? (more…)