Politics

Here’s Why Ted Cruz Admitted That He’s The Zodiac Killer

Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all.

– Heidi Cruz

*********************

Thump.

Thump.

Thump. 

Thump. 

Thump. 

Ted Cruz came to on his office floor, his heartbeat thudding through his ears. Ted Cruz got up off the floor. The room was bathed in an orange glow, emanating eerily from Ted Cruz’s laptop. That in itself wasn’t unusual. Somebody had set Ted Cruz’s MacBook to the “Invert Colors” setting some time ago, and he had no idea how to change it back.

Still, Ted Cruz had questions. Why was he, Ted Cruz, slowly gathering himself up off the floor?   (more…)

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THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

Saint Ronald

[Intro: Donald Trump]
Yeah, 2 AM D.C. time
Tweeting all night and shit
[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
A life spent
Not answering to nobody
And now I’m Prez, that ain’t gon’ be broke
Got friends that give me some money knowin’ I’m in debt
Pay them back in laws, I ain’t gonna say no
People tryna say I’m goin’ crazy on Twitter
Well, the president shouldn’t stay low
And hey, it’s not hard to get a lil’ on the side
Especially when you got family members on payroll
The fake news said it was corrupted dealings
The fake news said he’s way out of control
I just feel like I’m the only one not pretendin’
I’m not out of control, I’m just not in their control
I know I’m the most influential
That TIME cover was just confirmation
This generation’s closest thing to Jackson
They want a bold new leader, I’m in
Couldn’t stand for four more years of libs and their lies
Break in the paradigm I shifted when it felt right
Troll conventional thought, don’t need to question
Hate Clinton and Obama so sometimes I get aggressive
Thank God for Jared Kushner, he down with my mission
Does work with no permission, on our own conditions
Most men with money have been driven to sedition
Donnie has enough though that it went different
Never listen to Washington insiders
That’s why I won the College, I despise ‘em
The ultimate Gemini, bound to thrive
Did you guys know I made it past 305

(more…)

I Love Donald

 [Verse: Pretty much any Republican lawmaker, honestly, but preferably one from the South]
I miss the old Donald, straight talkin’ bold Donald,
New Yorker soul Donald, covered in gold Donald
I hate the new Donald, breaks all the rules Donald,
Senile old fool Donald, just Putin’s ghoul Donald
I miss the brash Donald, drew crowds en masse Donald
I gotta say, back then he warn’t such an ass Donald
See, we all vaunted Donald, the people wanted Donald,
And now we dodge and dodge the charge that we’ve begotten Donald 
I once endorsed Donald, I once endorsed Donald,
I even had the MAGA hat, that’s right I wore Donald,
But if Donald wrote a tweet about Donald,
Said, “I miss the old Donald”, I’d still say, “no, Donald!”
I’m not above Donald, I still love Donald
Though not as much as Donald loves Donald
 
BONUS VERSION: I Love The Party
 
[Verse: Bill Kristol]
I miss the old Party, the Barry Gold Party
Still had a soul Party, loved by the Kochs Party
I hate the new Party, racist and lewd Party
Tea Party crewed Party, the just bad news Party
I miss the proud Party, couldn’t be cowed Party
I gotta say, loved our beliefs and yelled ‘em loud Party
When we began the Party, was a Reaganic Party
And now I look and look around at this depressive-manic Party
It once was one Party, it once was one Party
I even had the lapel pin, back when that was the Party
So disheartened, wrote an op, about the Party,
Called “I Miss The Old Party,” now I got no Party!
Its race is run Party, fork-in-it-done Party
Think it’s time we departed this Party 

Winners And Losers From Our Current Mess

 

WINNERS: 

The National Anthem: The third song off Radiohead’s Kid A remains a bizarre, fascinating classic

The 1800s: Roy Moore’s victory in the Republican primary for Alabama’s vacant Senate seat was a major coup for the embattled century (more…)

Politics Has No Place in Football, Except for the Systematic, Government-Sponsored Deification of the Military

Every Sunday, America settles in front of the TV for a long day of NFL action. When I settle in front of the TV for a long Sunday watching NFL action, all I want to do is watch a game of football, as well as the massive ceremony beforehand highlighting and showcasing uniformed members of the United States armed services, and put all my everyday concerns about the economy and healthcare and what have you to one side for a few hours. Nowadays, though, even that seems like too much to ask. On Sunday, we saw NFL players across the country kneel during the regularly-scheduled, stadium-spanning pregame displays of our nation’s regalia we have come to unquestioningly accept, utterly disrespecting everything that these same displays purposefully reinforce as unconditionally deserving of our respect. I’m sick of politics interfering in the sport I love—at least when that politics doesn’t serve the relentless promotion of the United States military and its actions—and I know I’m not the only one. (more…)

Why Was Trump Working With Democrats Last Week?

Last week, President (ugh) Donald Trump showed an uncharacteristic willingness to listen to the Democratic Party. First, he struck a deal with Congressional Democrats to increase the debt limit through mid-December, forcing an unpleasant showdown for Republicans. Then, reports emerged that he had struck a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to enshrine DACA protections into law in exchange for increasing border security in a manner that would not include construction of a wall. And finally, the Trump Administation apparently told European officials that they were reversing their earlier move to leave the Paris climate agreement.

What’s behind this sudden cooperation with the left? Here are my top theories.  (more…)