Other #Content

Winners and Losers from Italy Missing The World Cup

WINNERS: 

Sweden: Already among the 10 happiest countries in the world even before today’s result

Brazil: Watching today’s drama made me really glad my team has been assured of their place in the World Cup since literally March (more…)

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Winners And Losers From The U.S.A.’s Elimination From The World Cup

WINNERS: 

The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team: Given the current geopolitical climate, avoid an uncomfortable trip to Russia next summer

Panama: Will replace the U.S. at the World Cup, making the fact that the U.S. beat them 4-0 just this past Friday that much funnier

Landon Donovan: Was smart to retire when he did

Iceland, Portugal, Serbia, Belgium, Costa Rica, Panama, Uruguay: Just reminding y’all that these nations, whose combined population is about a sixth of the United States’, all managed to qualify for the World Cup by beating either the same or harder opposition than the U.S. faced

Donald J. Trump: Proven right, as the U.S. clearly demonstrated that it was tired of winning

LOSERS: 

The United States Soccer Federation: In fairness, could not possibly have foreseen that their desperation-fueled appointment of a crappy, uninspiring coach might come back to bite them

Serious assessments of the U.S.’s technical and tactical failures: Already being ignored in favor of criticizing the team’s lack of “personality”

Trinidad and Tobago: Should feel pretty bad about spoiling three hundred million people’s dreams of seeing their country stumble to a limp third-place finish in their World Cup group

Christian Pulisic: The only American player I’m going to miss seeing at the World Cup, which is damning in its own way

Bruce Arena: Ultimately, you have to chalk up this defeat to Arenal failure

The terrible pun I just subjected you to: I am so, so sorry

Chile: Also failed to qualify for the World Cup today, which is notable because they’re an actually good team

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Winners and Losers from the Oscars

The Oscars were last night. Who won and lost them? To find out, you could check this plain, un-embellished list of the winners, if you’re, like, boring or have no desire to read Hot Take About The Oscars That Is Very Similar To The Other Seven Billion Hot Takes About The Oscars I’ve Read Today #7,000,000,001. Otherwise, stick around here for some juicy editorializing. 
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La La Land But Mia and Sebastian Know How To Use Cell Phones

I enjoyed La La Land, but I couldn’t help but think that pretty much all of the conflict that arises between Mia and Sebastian could have been avoided if they’d just used their phones to stay in touch with each other like regular people. With that in mind, I wrote a script that imagines how the movie might have played out with a more tech-savvy pair of leads.  (more…)

10 Bee Movie Remixes Someone Should Make

Ludicrous edits of Bee Movie are the hottest #meme on the Internet right now, which means I am obligated to create #content related to it. Unfortunately, I have neither the familiarity with editing software nor the skill, vision, patience, desire, will, focus, or time required to remix the film myself. So this list of things other people should do with it will have to suffice.  

  1. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with Jerry Seinfeld’s description of a car he’s driving in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
  2. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with Solid Snake yelling “BEEEEES”screen-shot-2016-12-05-at-9-05-29-pm
  3. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced with “bae😍😍😘😘😍😍” because combining a meme with a buzzword and adding some emoji will really click with millennials, the fucks
  4. Bee Movie but every line spoken by Jerry Seinfeld’s character is dubbed over with audio of his Seinfeld costars, culled from performances throughout their careers and painstakingly spliced together to match the film’s script
  5. Bee Movie but every “bee” is replaced by the creator musing about the soullessness of hitching on to a fleeting fad for no better purpose than a temporary burst of attention
  6. Bee Movie edited in some fashion but the creator got disillusioned halfway through making the video and so the edits slowly decrease in number, so that the movie becomes increasingly normal as it goes on
  7. Bee Movie but, like, the word “bee” is replaced by some other word or something, I dunno
  8. Just Bee Movie unaltered, which is, like, a cool meta-commentary or something? Who cares at this point
  9. Bee Movie without Bee Movie so it’s just like a black screen I guess
  10. Titanic (1943 film)