Ru-Bi-Oh!: Season 1, Episode 3

[MARCO RUBIO sits down and takes off his necklace, a wistful smile on his face.]

RUBIO: Well, we had some good times, didn’t we.

[A ghostly image appears from the necklace: the SPIRIT OF THE MILLENNIAL PUZZLE.]

SPIRIT: We sure did, Rubi.

[RUBIO looks through his Platform, nostalgically, eyeing over all the trusty positions that helped him win Debate after Debate.]

RUBIO: You and I, we did great things with this Platform. We beat Trump, we captured the hearts and minds of Republican voters everywhere. And now that I’m leaving the Senate, I’ll probably never use it again.

[The door bursts open and in comes a blond guy who speaks in a ludicrously over-the-top New Jersey accent. It is J.O.E.Y., the hideous android approximation of the typical Republican voter created in secret in the Koch laboratories to help conservatives win elections.]

J.O.E.Y.: Yo, Rub’! What’s this I heard about you quittin’?

RUBIO: That’s right, J.O.E.Y. I’ve done all I could. It’s time for me to take a break.

J.O.E.Y.: You gotta be kiddin’ me! The Rub’ I know would neva back down from a fight, even if it looked like he had no chance! Rememba when you stood up for me in front of those bullies at school? That showed you were a real friend, Rub’!

RUBIO: That never happened, J.O.E.Y. You never went to school. You’re a robo—

J.O.E.Y.: Doesn’t matta! ‘Cause you’re my best friend, Rub’! And you know what they say about best friends….

[J.O.E.Y.’s eyes suddenly glow red. His voice drops an octave and takes on a harsh, metallic tone.]

J.O.E.Y.: THEY DON’T LEAVE EACH OTHA BEHIND. AND THEY ESPECIALLY DON’T LEAVE THE CONSERVATIVE MOVEMENT BEHIND, CAPEESH?

RUBIO: [Sighs] Fine. You win.

[Cue theme music. RUBIO turns to face the camera.]

RUBIO: Let’s dispel with the notion that I’m quitting the Senate. I’m not quitting the Senate.

[Oh, yeah. It’s happening. It’s…

RU-BI-OH!
Season 2

This fall, it’s time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-debate.]

Image credit: New York Times

Advertisements