Marco Rubio

Priebus Lost: Book 4

IN summer Cleveland, four Days and four Nights
Of turmoil pass’d within th’Arena huge
Of Quicken Loans cacophonous, whose Stage
Was by the Right’s abundant talent cross’d;
From fi’ry Giuliani, to young Ernst
Star rising of the Party, and Cotton, he
Who for a 2020 run e’en now
Was being groomed, so dim were thought the odds
For Trump this year: All spake their piece on stage,
And so did Carson, Christie, Rubio,
All former rivals of Trump pacifi’d
And now begrudgingly allow’d to speak
(Alongside the founder of UFC
As well as some guy from Duck Dynasty).
Four days of vicious slurs against the Dems,
Felonious Hillary denounc’d, with cries
Of “Benghazi!” oft interspers’d, and “Blue
Lives Matter!” too, had pass’d, and some small hope
For Trump’s success renew’d, despite the calls
From holdouts various to stand oppos’d
To their own Candidate, and vote instead
Their Conscience, and concede to Hillary
Before one Vote was cast. In secret now
Was Priebus met with his Lieutenants; cheers
And ovations upon their Chief
And mastermind they shower’d: “Noble Reince,
Wise Priebus, Chairman great of all the Right,
Your words again have proven true: while we,
Your faithless Crew, thought Trump divisive, foul,
Incapable of beating Clinton, you
Maintain’d your Trust, and without fear or qualm
Our Nominee endors’d; and now we see
Your faith repaid. His fervent Speech capp’d off
A Convention magnificent, and prov’d
That of Restraint he’s capable, and that
His careless words and deeds shall not define
His White House bid, and even less impair
Republicans elsewhere in their Campaigns:
The Senate and the House shall not turn Blue.”
At this untemper’d praise delighted, Reince
Repli’d in turn: “Aides, trusty Staffers, friends
And comrades firm, there is no need to fear
Trump simple, easily controll’d, who has
No desire to lead himself, and gave
We true Conservatives total license
To write his Platform, and his Veep, the grey
And archconservative Mike Pence, select:
He only thinks of Winning, nothing more.
The White House he shall give us, after which
The actual Rule shall be our own. Now come,
My charges, let us go and witness him
Campaign across the Nation; watch how he
Expounds our winning Message, and promotes
Conservative Contestants high and low,
By his charisma raising each and all
Who shares our Principles. With him to mouth
The people’s Voice, our victory is sure:
For crony Hillary the White House gates
Shall clos’d remain, now and forevermore.”

(more…)

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Priebus Lost: Book 2

OUR desp’rate Situation, though describ’d
In part before, is not by one account,
Though desolate, sufficiently enfram’d;
With such Vignettes alone one cannot hope
To grasp in full the vast Calamity
Upon our Party render’d, nor discern
Th’initial Root of our dismay from that
Which later it engendered; therefore, Muse,
Speak now of th’origin of this great Plight,
Of the beginning days, th’initial strokes
When Candidates announced themselves, and full
Of expectation, by ambition wild
O’errun, could each believe in Victory,
As one assur’d that they alone would rise
And claim the party’s mantle, Challenger
To Hillary, foul Clinton, long besmirch’d
By sordid Conduct, stain’d by Soldiers’ blood
From ill-secur’d Benghazi, and misuse
Of private E-mails too, mementos dark
And damning of her time as Sec. of State,
A horrid Reign which any Resume
Would tarnish. Any Nominee who fac’d
A Foe of such malevolence for sure
Could halt that malice Coronation, by
The Lib’ral Media and its Overlords
Engineer’d, that dark Machinery
From its destructive course stay, and rebuff
Th’advances foul of its cruel Architects:
Incompetent Obama, whose designs
Of Healthcare and Taxation vested pow’r
Tyrannical upon the Feds, and stripp’d
For his dark ends the People manifold
Of basic Rights; and too the Kingmaker,
Demoniac Soros, whose titanic Wealth
A foul agenda served, and nothing more:
To sow division his singular aim,
And undermine our Mores: and so advance
A global Order, with him its vile King.
Against these Stakes a host of Challengers
Took Arms, and made their bid to lead the charge
Against our polyvalent Enemies,
And Reag’n’s long unimpeach’d Significance
From th’Oval Office once again espouse.

(more…)

How Your Favorite Politicians Are Spending Thanksgiving

Gary Johnson: Thanks to his attempt to purchase a turkey going horribly wrong, is spending today receiving a lovely tour of Istanbul from a friendly taxi driver

Hillary Clinton: Giving thanks for the free time and relaxation she now has thanks to her election loss, but not really meaning it

Jill Stein: Making everyone really confused about whether they should be angry or grateful for her (more…)

One More G.O.P. Debate

Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich

[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far

[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)

[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Ru-Bi-Oh!: Season 1, Episode 2

[INT: The Reagan Presidential Library. It is a Monday night debate. A massive day of primaries looms tomorrow. This is our hero’s last chance to turn his fortunes around by securing a decisive win in Florida. But it’s not going well. MARCO RUBIO is bruised and battered (and sweaty, naturally), slowly getting to his feet after another devastating attack. He is down to his last 50 Primary Voters. Opposite him, his opponent stands. It is a tall man, of unusual complexion, haunted eyes, bizarrely disproportionate body parts, and utterly ludicrous hair dyed an impossible color. It is DONALD TRUMP. He still has all 4000 of his Primary Voters. (They’re symbolic, you see. More people than that are actually going to vote for him tomorrow.)

Oh, also, this is all happening atop the Library’s signature exhibit, Reagan’s AIR FORCE ONE, because why not.]

TRUMP: You’re finished, Rubi-boy! One more attack from my Blue-Eyes White People and you’re toast! And even if you could take it down, my Mexican Border Wall still protects my Primary Voters! (more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 10 GOP Debate

WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:

Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle

Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever

The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

(more…)