Predicting Hillary Clinton’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Donald Trump: He probably still owes the Clintons after they came to his wedding, and calling in that favor right now is the logical next step in this bonkers election year

Tim Kaine: Seems like an all-round good guy with a particuarly good relationship with the Black and Hispanic communities, which will be valuable in the current climate–but he sings tenor in his church choir, and having sung in choirs for more than a decade I know firsthand that you should never, EVER trust a tenor

Cory Booker: A young, brilliant, eloquent Senator who would bring an edge of well-stated and righteous anger and passion to counterbalance Hillary’s occasionally drab stage presence, who boasts immaculate credentials in local and national goverment, who aspires to work together with Republicans to find common ground and create bipartisan legislation, who would be vacating a Senate seat in a reliably blue state, and who, just as a little bonus in terms of widespread appeal, speaks Spanish, his selection makes far too much sense to stand a chance in a Democratic party keen on shooting their chances of long-term control of Washington in the foot

Elizabeth Warren: At a sprightly 67, would provide a youthful, progressive contrast to the 68-year-old Clinton’s more measured and deliberate liberalism

Thomas Perez: Another highly qualified, intelligent policy wonk who somewhat lacks charisma, the campaign is really going to have to emphasize his “well, nobody’s alleging he’s gotten anybody killed or that he’s taken money from the Saudis to fund a sinister neoliberal agenda” credentials to draw a contrast between him and Clinton

Sherrod Brown: Nope nope nope name sounds too Republican nope nope shut it down

Julian Castro: Really don’t know anything about him, but his name reminds me of Julien-K, which is a good and underappreciated band, so yeah why not

Whoa, everyone on this list either studied or taught at an Ivy League school*, while nobody on the Republican shortlist did: Either this is a glowing testament to the experience, intelligence, and qualifications of the Democrats, or the self-perpetuating mechanisms of the Elite continue to run unabated, ensuring that They, by selecting their own from the top tier of the supposed Meritocracy, shall remain in charge of the country for the foreseeable future

Xwq’sa’Aal, Reptile Emissary to the First World Shadow Government: This is who $HILLAR¥ MINTON (‘cause she’s got her scaly paws all over the U.S. Mint) DESPERATELY wants to pick. That’s right, HilLIARy CLINTon (I was going to put a “U” instead of the “LI” but my mom says I shouldn’t use that word) is going to nominate this LIZARD to help her CRASH the U.S. ECONOMY while the ON€ P£R¢£NT€R$ stash all the valuable GOLD for THEMSELVES. You can see all the DETAILS in my YOUTUBE VIDEO “The Terrifying TRUTH about HILLARY CLINTON (Hillary Clinton ILLUMINATI REPTILE Shapeshifting Freemason Conspiracy FULL DOCUMENTARY EXPOSED)”. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

 

*Hey, what about me?: Shut up, Tom Vilsack. Nobody likes you. Yeah, Tom, what are you even doing here? You ruin everything. Go home, Tom. You suck
Image credit: NJ.com
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