Winners and Losers from the 2016 Republican National Convention


Diversity: Major victories for the Republican Party on this point, as we saw numerous male speakers who parted their hair on the RIGHT, rather than the left

Ted Cruz: Took an admirable, widely publicized stand for his principles, distracting everyone from how bizarre and unsettling those principles are

George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon: At this point, all are off the hook for the demise of the party of Lincoln, Teddy, and Ike

All the seriously unsettling speeches about white supremacy and Hillary deserving to be jailed and Obama being some sort of Constitution-destroying monster, plus uncomfortable issues such as the token use of minorities to lend credibility to controversial positions: Conveniently overshadowed by the furor over a plagiarism scandal and a possible Nazi salute that was brief enough that it can and will be readily dismissed as unintentional by anybody still inclined to give the Trump campaign any benefit of the doubt

Obama’s foreign policy everywhere except Benghazi, Libya: Let off the hook to a particularly astonishing degree when you consider that earlier this week an American airstrike in Syria killed at least 70 innocent people

LGBTQ people: This whole convention showed that Republicans finally care enough about the LGBTQ community to pander for their vote even as they strive to enact policies that will curtail their rights

Hypocrisy: The Swedish death-metal band may not have released anything since 2013, but they—oh, whoops, wrong “Hypocrisy”

Hypocrisy: Between the spike in porn searches during the convention even as the Republicans specifically included an anti-porn plank in their platform, Chris Christie calling Hillary “guilty” even as the ongoing Bridgegate scandal swirls around his administration, and the legions of Republicans who just weeks ago had lambasted Trump’s every position now unconditionally endorsing him, this everpresent element of human nature has had a fantastic week



Americans: But especially me, ‘cause I watched like 10 hours of the convention just to bring snarky comments about it to the rest of you

Traditional politicians: Given that several of the Trump children and the guy who founded the UFC completely overshadowed the many people who give political speeches for a living

Articulating policy positions onstage that align with the party’s professed platform: Surprisingly absent from the convention, but, considering some of the planks in the GOP platform, that may not be a bad thing

Sneering dismissal of Trump and his movement as an extremist splinter with zero chance of winning the presidency: This is very, very real now, folks

Truth, decency, morality, God: Dead, dead, dead, dead