Predicting Tonight’s Presidential Debate

Tonight is the third and final showdown between Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. With less than three weeks to go until election day, the stakes have never been higher. Here’s how the night will go down:

Hillary Clinton will once again control both the debate and the narrative around it

Hillary has some significant flaws, but she’s been able to get through two debates without really being exposed. This comes down to two things: One, her poise and indifference has contrasted beautifully with Donald Trump’s blustering interruptions. Without saying a word, or indeed doing much of anything during these moments, she comes across as calm while Trump comes across as an unhinged loon. Two, her campaign has a stockpile of incriminating material on the Donald, which they are strategically releasing both to force Trump on the defensive during and after the debates and to draw attention away from Hillary’s foibles, such as her Wall Street transcripts. You can bet they already have another Alicia Machado-type story just waiting for Hillary to mention during the debate.

Donald Trump will go out in a blaze of, well, not exactly glory

At this point, Trump appears to be aware that he is going to lose on November 8th, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. He’s already raising the specter of the election being rigged, and he knows the culprit: Crooked Hillary, who in the last debate he vowed to throw in jail if he wins. Tonight, expect him to double down—throwing out more fuming statements and pointless paeans to his base—and to only dig himself a bigger hole as he does a better job of painting himself as unpresidential than ten million dollars of pro-Clinton ads ever could. It will be the last straw that 100 per cent guarantees a Clinton victory, but it won’t be pretty. 

This debate will NOT be the killing blow that shatters the long-held dream of American democracy

Don’t worry—that won’t happen until the Lithium Wars of 2073-2102.

Wait. Oh, shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. I should not have written that. You all can’t know that. Not beforehand. Not while the Plan can be stopped.

Oh God, if word of this leaks out, I’m dead

Fuckfuckfuck. If I get found out, that’s it. I’m toast. What do I do, what do I do? Think, man! Think!

The Council is going to kill me when they find out

We’ve all seen how they punish defectors, but someone who leaks information? They won’t even speak about what they do to them.

I’ll never become a Chronomancer

Raised from birth by the Order. Groomed for life to become an acolyte. Trained for eternities in the ebb and flow of time. All gone with one little mistake! Dammit, I stayed celibate all this time! And all for nothing!

There’s got to be some way out of this mess

There’s just got to be! I won’t ruin my life for one little mistake like this! One little leak of sensitive information! Come on, it can’t cause that much harm—wait! That’s IT!

That whole bit about the Lithium Wars is totally 100% made up and you should DEFINITELY not do anything to try and prevent its onset

That’s right! I’ve just been foolin’ with ya! That whole thing was totally made up—just a goof, nothing more! It DEFINITELY shouldn’t be taken as any sort of real prophecy or anything—it’s not like I have ACTUAL powers of foresight now, even before the Council forbids me from ever using them again! So don’t worry, folks! All that talk of a planet-wide war over an increasingly crucial and rapidly dwindling resource was just a big joke that won’t really happen—unless you spread the word to the right people, get in contact with the brilliant young Dr. Samara Al-Bakri when she begins her postdoctoral work at Caltech in 2031, suggest that she focus her energy-storage research on antimony-based power cells, insist when she raises an eyebrow skeptically, remind her that we’ve essentially exhausted all existing lithium stockpiles, heavily imply that you’ve had an apocalyptic vision of a globe-spanning panic, hear a knock at the door, yell “Get down!”, throw yourself on top of her as the bullets skim in overhead, run together for the exit, steal a car, say “Now do you understand? They’re out to get me! And now they’re out to get you too!” once you’ve driven to relative safety, hide out in a bunker in Death Valley while you develop the new power cells, evade the Council’s forces as you perfect it, sneak into the White House, reveal it to the President, and save the United States of America—and the world—forever!

And ęven if it wAs true, it 4bsolutely wOn’t create a Tim€ P@®ad0X

ThaaAaAat’s righ™! Be©au$e it’s a joque & n0ttt r34l, it’s definitel¥ nOT çaußing 1nterƒerências estrANHAs in the time str$eam! And ¨these interƒ£rences স্পষ্টভাবে ne sØnt pås the rešułt¨ of huma∏” ˆc˚mMuni¢ation ßreªªking dowñ s a ¶roto-ユニバーサル 言語 hybri∂ized ƒr0m 333xisting @lphabet§ ∫trug˙gles 222 e∞erge!

 

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