Donald Trump

Winners And Losers From The U.S.A.’s Elimination From The World Cup

WINNERS: 

The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team: Given the current geopolitical climate, avoid an uncomfortable trip to Russia next summer

Panama: Will replace the U.S. at the World Cup, making the fact that the U.S. beat them 4-0 just this past Friday that much funnier

Landon Donovan: Was smart to retire when he did

Iceland, Portugal, Serbia, Belgium, Costa Rica, Panama, Uruguay: Just reminding y’all that these nations, whose combined population is about a sixth of the United States’, all managed to qualify for the World Cup by beating either the same or harder opposition than the U.S. faced

Donald J. Trump: Proven right, as the U.S. clearly demonstrated that it was tired of winning

LOSERS: 

The United States Soccer Federation: In fairness, could not possibly have foreseen that their desperation-fueled appointment of a crappy, uninspiring coach might come back to bite them

Serious assessments of the U.S.’s technical and tactical failures: Already being ignored in favor of criticizing the team’s lack of “personality”

Trinidad and Tobago: Should feel pretty bad about spoiling three hundred million people’s dreams of seeing their country stumble to a limp third-place finish in their World Cup group

Christian Pulisic: The only American player I’m going to miss seeing at the World Cup, which is damning in its own way

Bruce Arena: Ultimately, you have to chalk up this defeat to Arenal failure

The terrible pun I just subjected you to: I am so, so sorry

Chile: Also failed to qualify for the World Cup today, which is notable because they’re an actually good team

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THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

Saint Ronald

[Intro: Donald Trump]
Yeah, 2 AM D.C. time
Tweeting all night and shit
[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
A life spent
Not answering to nobody
And now I’m Prez, that ain’t gon’ be broke
Got friends that give me some money knowin’ I’m in debt
Pay them back in laws, I ain’t gonna say no
People tryna say I’m goin’ crazy on Twitter
Well, the president shouldn’t stay low
And hey, it’s not hard to get a lil’ on the side
Especially when you got family members on payroll
The fake news said it was corrupted dealings
The fake news said he’s way out of control
I just feel like I’m the only one not pretendin’
I’m not out of control, I’m just not in their control
I know I’m the most influential
That TIME cover was just confirmation
This generation’s closest thing to Jackson
They want a bold new leader, I’m in
Couldn’t stand for four more years of libs and their lies
Break in the paradigm I shifted when it felt right
Troll conventional thought, don’t need to question
Hate Clinton and Obama so sometimes I get aggressive
Thank God for Jared Kushner, he down with my mission
Does work with no permission, on our own conditions
Most men with money have been driven to sedition
Donnie has enough though that it went different
Never listen to Washington insiders
That’s why I won the College, I despise ‘em
The ultimate Gemini, bound to thrive
Did you guys know I made it past 305

(more…)

I Love Donald

 [Verse: Pretty much any Republican lawmaker, honestly, but preferably one from the South]
I miss the old Donald, straight talkin’ bold Donald,
New Yorker soul Donald, covered in gold Donald
I hate the new Donald, breaks all the rules Donald,
Senile old fool Donald, just Putin’s ghoul Donald
I miss the brash Donald, drew crowds en masse Donald
I gotta say, back then he warn’t such an ass Donald
See, we all vaunted Donald, the people wanted Donald,
And now we dodge and dodge the charge that we’ve begotten Donald 
I once endorsed Donald, I once endorsed Donald,
I even had the MAGA hat, that’s right I wore Donald,
But if Donald wrote a tweet about Donald,
Said, “I miss the old Donald”, I’d still say, “no, Donald!”
I’m not above Donald, I still love Donald
Though not as much as Donald loves Donald
 
BONUS VERSION: I Love The Party
 
[Verse: Bill Kristol]
I miss the old Party, the Barry Gold Party
Still had a soul Party, loved by the Kochs Party
I hate the new Party, racist and lewd Party
Tea Party crewed Party, the just bad news Party
I miss the proud Party, couldn’t be cowed Party
I gotta say, loved our beliefs and yelled ‘em loud Party
When we began the Party, was a Reaganic Party
And now I look and look around at this depressive-manic Party
It once was one Party, it once was one Party
I even had the lapel pin, back when that was the Party
So disheartened, wrote an op, about the Party,
Called “I Miss The Old Party,” now I got no Party!
Its race is run Party, fork-in-it-done Party
Think it’s time we departed this Party 

Why Was Trump Working With Democrats Last Week?

Last week, President (ugh) Donald Trump showed an uncharacteristic willingness to listen to the Democratic Party. First, he struck a deal with Congressional Democrats to increase the debt limit through mid-December, forcing an unpleasant showdown for Republicans. Then, reports emerged that he had struck a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to enshrine DACA protections into law in exchange for increasing border security in a manner that would not include construction of a wall. And finally, the Trump Administation apparently told European officials that they were reversing their earlier move to leave the Paris climate agreement.

What’s behind this sudden cooperation with the left? Here are my top theories.  (more…)

Winners and Losers from Steve Bannon’s Ouster

WINNERS: 

Game of Thrones: Was referenced by people close to Bannon today, which just might provide this little-known fantasy series with the popularity boost its fans have long felt it deserves

ClickHole: Can now be officially recognized for publishing the seminal account of the Bannon era

Democrats: Now that the administration’s sole remaining bastion of conservative thought is gone, have regained control of the White House (more…)