Princeton University

Ted Cruz’s Farmyard Fiasco

“You know, in my family we have a saying,” said Ted Cruz, college sophomore, “and it goes like this: ‘All horse thieves are Democrats, but not all Democrats are horse thieves.’”

“But Ted, you’re—”

“You would do well to notice,” snapped Ted Cruz, “that these are not horses, but goats.”

That was when the windows of the farmhouse lit up.

SIX HOURS EARLIER (more…)

Ted Cruz Goes to Homecoming

Ted Cruz’s campaign bus ground to a halt by the curb, spewing steam and water out the radiator. The door opened, and down the steps, in mirror-shine black shoes and silk suit, to tread for the first time in years upon the land he had long ago forsaken, came Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz ‘92, by a snapped fan belt forced to once more roam Princeton University, and on Homecoming no less.