Robert S. Mueller III: Delivered an important step towards unraveling the ongoing catastrophe at the heart of American government and is about to get a well-earned vacation if the president has any say in the matter
George W. Bush: Ugh, this whole thing will probably further rehabilitate his image, won’t it (more…)
Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all.
– Heidi Cruz
Ted Cruz came to on his office floor, his heartbeat thudding through his ears. Ted Cruz got up off the floor. The room was bathed in an orange glow, emanating eerily from Ted Cruz’s laptop. That in itself wasn’t unusual. Somebody had set Ted Cruz’s MacBook to the “Invert Colors” setting some time ago, and he had no idea how to change it back.
Still, Ted Cruz had questions. Why was he, Ted Cruz, slowly gathering himself up off the floor? (more…)
Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)
In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate), was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW).
How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.
What a week. Whoooooo boy. Yowza. I’m tellin’ ya. (more…)
DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR
Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:
– “Why did I come back?”
– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”
– “I am hot.” (more…)