What a week. Whoooooo boy. Yowza. I’m tellin’ ya. (more…)
DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR
Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:
– “Why did I come back?”
– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”
– “I am hot.” (more…)
Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here.
Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020 (more…)
Donald Trump: Glancing at the people around him, seeing they were bowing their heads in remembrance, and quickly doing the same
Paul Ryan: As always, mourning the billions of dollars our government has tragically taken from wealthy Americans
“You know, in my family we have a saying,” said Ted Cruz, college sophomore, “and it goes like this: ‘All horse thieves are Democrats, but not all Democrats are horse thieves.’”
“But Ted, you’re—”
“You would do well to notice,” snapped Ted Cruz, “that these are not horses, but goats.”
That was when the windows of the farmhouse lit up.
SIX HOURS EARLIER (more…)
Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history:
The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup
Barack Obama: Well, duh (more…)
In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true.
Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight (more…)