Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)
In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate), was yesterday found to have “liked” a tweet containing a porn video. It took several hours for him to un-like it, meaning people had plenty of time to preserve the evidence for posterity via screenshots (link very NSFW).
How could he let this happen? How could Ted Cruz possibly make such a catastrophic, quintessentially Freudian slip and let it go unchecked? I don’t know, but I’ve come up with four possibilities, presented below in order of increasing plausibility.
What a week. Whoooooo boy. Yowza. I’m tellin’ ya. (more…)
DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR
Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:
– “Why did I come back?”
– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”
– “I am hot.” (more…)
Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here.
WINNERS:
Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020 (more…)
Donald Trump: Glancing at the people around him, seeing they were bowing their heads in remembrance, and quickly doing the same
Paul Ryan: As always, mourning the billions of dollars our government has tragically taken from wealthy Americans
Mike Pence: Attending the Indianapolis 500 in his home state, his presence blessing the American drivers with the speed and motivation to finish as high as 7th place (more…)
“You know, in my family we have a saying,” said Ted Cruz, college sophomore, “and it goes like this: ‘All horse thieves are Democrats, but not all Democrats are horse thieves.’”
“But Ted, you’re—”
“You would do well to notice,” snapped Ted Cruz, “that these are not horses, but goats.”
That was when the windows of the farmhouse lit up.
SIX HOURS EARLIER (more…)
