Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:
– “Why did I come back?”
– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”
Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here.
Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020 (more…)
INT: It is Thanksgiving Day in the Cruz Chalet. Ted Cruz, Heidi, their offspring, and their biological forebears are all seated around the traditional Thanksgiving heat-treated solid-protein arrangement. It is time to say grace. They hold hands.
HEIDI: Lord, we are truly thankful for this bounty. And we are thankful for another peaceful and happy year, and all the blessings You have bestowed upon us this y—
[Ted Cruz makes a pained whining sound and an expression of immense suffering washes over his face.]
HEIDI: Oh, goodness, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot—
TED CRUZ: It’s okay. It’s easy to forget. [His facial expression makes clear he will never forget.] Let’s eat. (more…)
In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true.
Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight(more…)
Austin, Texas. The fourth-largest city in Texas, and the fastest-growing, a fact that always created an uneasy tickle in the lower part of Ted Cruz’s abdomen. Like now. Ted Cruz was thinking about it (the fourth-largest city in Texas thing, and also the fastest-growing bit) and feeling that unpleasant pit below his (Ted Cruz’s) stomach. But this was no time for reflection. Ted Cruz had work to do.
Ted Cruz took a deep breath. This was not going to be fun. But it was part of his (Ted Cruz’s) duties as a Senator from Texas, the largest state by area in the contiguous United States (among other distinctions too numerous to mention here). His (Ted Cruz’s) advisors had recommended a trip here, to a part of Texas he (Ted Cruz) normally didn’t visit, in order to get a feel for his (Ted Cruz’s) constituents and their mentality ahead of his (Ted Cruz’s) reelection campaign (for the United States Senate) in 2018. (more…)