Ted Cruz is accused by the National Enquirer of having extramarital affairs with at least five women. How is this possible? How did Ted Cruz get close enough to five women for this to be feasible? Three potential explanations:
It was 2:00 PM in Washington, DC. The sun was shining, the nation’s brand-new Fords and Chevys were gleaming on display in their driveways, and all the Senators were back at home now that the session had let out for the day. Well, except for one.
“Well, gee willikers, I don’t really know.”
“Gosh, I hope he’s not hurt or been abducted by the Russkies or something! That would be really bad!”
They were about to run off looking for him when they heard a real calumny rise all around the street. They turned around lickety-split to find Teddy Cruz, pedaling excitedly towards them on the bike his parents had given him once he’d started his paper route.
“Hey! Jimmy! Benny! Guess what? You know Kitty Pierson, from school? The one who’s always with that D.J. kid whose dad is rich?”
“Well, I just had sex with her!”
“Well, Jiminy Cricket, Teddy! That’s swell! How did it happen?”
“Well, we were in the hallway after the Senate let out, right? She smiled at me as we passed each other. And we were pretty close, and she could’ve stepped out of my way, like a lot of girls do, but she didn’t! And when she passed me, I think my elbow brushed against her—her—you know,” he finished, in a conspiratorial whisper.
“That’s it! I had sex with Kitty Pierson!”
“Teddy, I know we don’t talk about this in health class until next year, but I’m pretty sure brushing up against someone in the hall isn’t se—”
“Shows what you know! You haven’t had sex, but I have! I’ll show you! I’ll tell everyone! Then we’ll see who’s right!”
TWO WEEKS LATER:
“SHOCKING CLAIMS: Pervy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating — With 5 Secret Mistresses!” blared the National Enquirer.
“…Well, they’re not saying he had sex with any of them,” said Benny to Jimmy.
EXCERPTS FROM REPUBLICAN TV SHOWS: BoJack Elephantman [Get it? Elephant, because the GOP mascot is an elephant, and the main character of the show is an elephant in this version. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the elephant? …Okay, there’s a whole page of this.]
Season 2, Episode 3
[EXT: TED CRUZ is walking through the alley behind the RNC headquarters, dejected. He really wants to be the Republican nominee, but the Republican establishment won’t become friends with him, and his best friend, BoJack Elephantman, refuses to endorse him.]
TED CRUZ: Well, you blew it again. You really are a dweeb.
[The JANITOR pops out of a dumpster. ]
JANITOR: Don’t say that.
CRUZ: Whoa, who are you? Some kind of magical trash troll?
JANITOR: No. I’m a janitor. But I was clearing out some of the old GOP convention props, and I found this transformation chamber.
CRUZ: Looks like a bunch of old junk.
JANITOR: Let me tell you a story. Back in the ’80s, the biggest dweeb of them all was James Danforth Quaieeleye.
CRUZ: Oh, yeah. It was so funny how he never knew how to spell “potato”.
JANITOR: Right. Well, nerdy James Danforth Quaieeleye invented a machine that transformed him into the debonair Dan Quayle.
CRUZ: So if I go through that magic machine, I’ll become cool and confident?
JANITOR: No, it’s a— It didn’t work. Remember “Murphy Brown”? It—
[CRUZ has already stepped inside.]
CRUZ: [inhales, exhales deeply] I feel different.
JANITOR: Now, son—
CRUZ: [In a smoky growl as he rolls up the sleeves of his suit] Ted? Who’s Ted? My name’s Täed. Täed CaROZE. And I gotta get my campaign on.
[CUT to Täed Caroze walking through a seedy part of town. He passes a crowd outside a smoky bar.]
CAROZE: My name’s Täed, baby.
[He approaches a huge, tattooed biker dude and his girlfriend. Without breaking stride, he plucks the cigarette out of the biker’s mouth, takes a pull, and blows smoke in the shape of a hand giving a middle finger into his face. He locks eyes with the biker’s girlfriend. A spark passes between them. They embrace, and he bends her down into a passionate kiss. They separate and he continues on. She blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at him.]
CAROZE: Mmmmmyeah. Coolsville, daddy-o. Oh, lookie here!
[By the curb, he comes across a helicopter. It has a gigantic TRUMP logo emblazoned across the side.]
[He fires it up and gives the rotors a couple revs. DONALD TRUMP hears it and stops in the middle of his latest 45-minute press conference about Trump Steaks.]
TRUMP: Yo! That’s my chopper!
[CAROZE guns the throttle and the wind from the rotors knocks TRUMP over.]
CAROZE: Oops. Did I do that?
[CAROZE takes off, leaving TRUMP staring forlornly as he vanishes into the sky.]
TRUMP: Damn. I know I should be mad, but that guy’s just so cool.
[Within, like, fifteen minutes…]
NATIONAL ENQUIRER: “SO COOL: Groovy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating — With 5 Secret Mistresses! At Once! On Top of the Washington Monument!”
“Oh God, I had the craziest dream.”
“Really? What was it about?”
“Donald Trump was running for the Republican nomination, on a campaign of building a wall along the Mexican border—”
“Wait a second. Did he talk about the size of his schlong in one of the debates?”
“Yeah! Wait, you dreamed it, too? Did you get to the part about Ted Cruz?”
“You mean the bit where Cruz had affairs with five different women?”
“Five different women. Oh my God.”
“Ridiculous. Weirdest dream I’ve ever had.”
Unbeknownst to them, around the country, millions of their fellow Americans were having this same conversation. And soon, there would be an inquest into how and why. But for now, they were glad to be awake again, and to step outside into the world, where the sun shone brightly. It was morning again in America. Ethically-sourced coffee brewed on a hundred million pots; a hundred million organic peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on whole wheat bread slid into a hundred million reusable lunch bags. There were problems—the newspapers raised concerns about how the national debt was back to over one percent of GDP; the unlivable-income rate still hovered at two point three percent; there was real evidence that sea-level rises were reaching statistically significant levels, which had led Congress to pass a preventative emissions bill just in case. There was tension in the Middle East; Iran and Saudi Arabia were squabbling again about whose scientists had contributed more to the design of the launch arcology that would soon form the latest section of the budding Mars Colony. Yes, there were problems, but America burst out of its collective door, renewed, bursting with vigor from the warm sun, brimming with assurance that, no matter what problems it faced today, it could overcome them with deliberation, cooperation, innovation, and above all, that deep, universal, unbreakable, good-ol’-fashioned love and respect every American has for all of their countrypeople.