BoJack Elephantman

Explaining the Ted Cruz affair allegations

Ted Cruz is accused by the National Enquirer of having extramarital affairs with at least five women. How is this possible? How did Ted Cruz get close enough to five women for this to be feasible? Three potential explanations: 


It was 2:00 PM in Washington, DC. The sun was shining, the nation’s brand-new Fords and Chevys were gleaming on display in their driveways, and all the Senators were back at home now that the session had let out for the day. Well, except for one.

“Where’s Teddy?”

“Well, gee willikers, I don’t really know.”

“Gosh, I hope he’s not hurt or been abducted by the Russkies or something! That would be really bad!”

They were about to run off looking for him when they heard a real calumny rise all around the street. They turned around lickety-split to find Teddy Cruz, pedaling excitedly towards them on the bike his parents had given him once he’d started his paper route.