The Oscars were last night. Who won and lost them? To find out, you could check this plain, un-embellished list of the winners, if you’re, like, boring or have no desire to read Hot Take About The Oscars That Is Very Similar To The Other Seven Billion Hot Takes About The Oscars I’ve Read Today #7,000,000,001. Otherwise, stick around here for some juicy editorializing. 

WINNERS: 

Jimmy Kimmel: Still gets gigs like this for some reason

Moonlight: Well, this was an easy entry

The racial conscience of every white member of the Academy: Between the awards and nominations for Moonlight, Fences, Hidden Figures, and O.J.: Made in America, the Academy can take great pride in having fixed racism in America forever

Thinkpiece Internet: Thanks to Saturday’s DNC chairman election, got to mix up the annual “The Oscars May Seem Good But Actually They’re Kind Of Bad” fare with some nice “I Am Asserting Based Not On Any Evidence But Rather My Own Gut Reaction That Tom Perez Is A Loathsome Neoliberal Shill” essays

Dr. #Content: La La Land‘s misfortune is just another reason for me to share my reimagined script in which Mia and Sebastian actually know how to use their cell phones

Suicide Squad: That’s right, this is now officially worthy of the Oscar for Makeup and Hairstyling:

The widespread, persistent, and self-perpetuating societal condonation of sexual harassment and assault: Casey Affleck, a man with a troubling history of sexual harassment and verbal abuse, was handed the Best Actor award by a presenter who advocates for sexual assault victims and who was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, a powerful and timely display of support and solidarity for this embattled pillar of American society

LOSERS: 

Holy Motors: Leos Carax’s astonishing, visionary magnum opus was the victim of the most baffling snub of the night, as the Academy once again refused to admit their mistake and retroactively award it Best Picture of 2012

The Marvel Cinematic Universe: Now has fewer Oscar wins than the DC Extended Universe

Basic competence: The Best Picture goof is yet more evidence that placing any faith in any human being to do any task, even one to which such monumental importance is ascribed that you’d think all parties involved would go to enormous lengths to ensure it is done properly, is a fool’s endeavor

Effort: I’m writing this list despite not having watched the show at all other than the debacle at the very end (see “Basic competence”, above)

La La Land: This one’s a gimme (See “Effort”, above)

Mykelti Williamson: With all due respect to the five artists who were nominated for Best Supporting Actor, I feel Williamson should at least have gotten a nomination in the category for his excellent performance in Fences as Troy’s mentally impaired brother Gabriel

Top photo: Al Seib / Los Angeles Times

Joker photo: eh who cares