Folks. FOLKS. You’re gonna want to hear this. It concerns Donald Trump, and it could be big—very big. I’m telling you, you don’t want to miss this. That’s right, folks, you’d best stay tuned. Don’t touch that dial. I mean, that metaphorical dial. TVs these days don’t have dials. In fact, I’m not sure an old TV with dials even works anymore what with the digital signals. Can someone get on that? [shouts backstage] LARRY! Get on the dials thing!

Anyways, like I said, and like I’m saying again, this could be a big deal, which is why I’m saying it again, for emphasis. Like, this is serious business. You know what I mean? Just in case you don’t, I’ll say it again, with even a little more emphasis than last time: this could be a big deal.

You may have noticed my use of the word “could” before the words “big deal”, which I repeated several times for emphasis, several times. In case you’re not familiar with this word (“could”, which is a word I realize the overwhelming majority of our viewers will be familiar with, but I like to think we promote an inclusive and educational atmosphere here at, here’s the Oxford English Dictionary definition of the word:

…Aw, crap, I don’t have a subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary. Darn. [shouts backstage] LARRY! …Oh, right, he’s off researching the dials thing.

Um, well, here’s the Cambridge English Dictionary definition, which is just as good.

Screen Shot 2017-03-15 at 1.18.31 PM.png

Indeed, I am expressing possibility with my repeated (for emphasis) statement about how this “could be a big deal“. Possibility, you see, is a concept wherein an event that is not going to— an event that may or may not— an event that is uncertain—

Wait, hold on.

Screen Shot 2017-03-15 at 1.21.15 PM.png

Yeah, that one.

Anyways, you get what I mean. All this business about this thing that I am talking about being a “big deal” is predicated upon the understanding that this thing that I am talking about may not actually be that “big” of a “deal”, depending on the specifics of this thing that I am talking about.

But, again, the important thing here is that the potential exists for this thing that I am talking about to be a big deal, which is why I have been saying over and over that this thing that I am talking about could be a big deal. If that possibility didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be taking out time to tell you abo— [Rustling of paper] Oh, thanks, Larry. Hmm. Oh, so you can get a converter box. But I guess any channel changes would have to be done through the box rather than the TV unit itself? I think my point still stands.

Where was I? Oh, right.

No, wait, sorry, I forgot again. Give me a second.

Oh, right. This “big deal” business. Remember who we’re talking about here: Donald J. Trump. The President. The guy through whom all the biggest deals flow. If something involves him, it’s bound to be a big deal. And that’s why this deal could be so big. Look, let me bottom-line it for you: You’ll want to stay tuned so that you can hear what it is. So stay tuned. (Don’t worry, that’s not an order. I don’t have that sort of power. You don’t have to stay tuned if you don’t want to, though I recommend that you do, because this is the sort of thing for which you’ll want to stay tuned, so that you’ll see it when it is revealed. But it’s not an order. But it is a strong suggestion.)

So strap yourselves in, folks—and I mean, really buckle yourselves in. Invest in a five- or six-point safety harness if you can, and I would definitely recommend tossing in a HANS device as well. (I have included convenient Amazon links to each, as you can see.) ‘Cause this is gonna be one bumpy ride.

Okay, here we go. This is it. The moment you’ve all been waiting for (I hope). The grand reveal. The big kahuna. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Ready? I sure am. It’s time to get this show on the road.






Wait, I’m at 750 words already? Oh, phew—I mean, oh, no! We’ve reached the end of our broadcast for tonight! Guess I can’t tell you what the big deal is, even though I assure you it is most definitely a big deal! Good night!

Oh, crap! Forgot the image credit! It’s Wikimedia Commons, Paul Schultz and Gage Skidmore. But that really is all the time we have for tonight, folks! Sorry! Gotta run! I have a, um, er, a bus to catch! Yeah, that’s right! Can’t miss that bus! See ya!

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