Well, 2016 really couldn’t have gone any worse for the Democratic Party at any level. And with Republican control of legislatures at both the federal and state level killing the chances of young Democrats to rise to prominence, the talent pipeline is looking awfully thin for the party right now. But that doesn’t mean the party is completely bereft of rising stars who could run in 2020! Here’s a look at the early candidates:

Kirsten Gillibrand

No nominee whose first name contains a “K” has lost a presidential race, an all-important X-factor that should rocket Gillibrand to the top of the presidential pool

Elizabeth Warren

Warren’s popularity in Massachusetts politics is sure to translate to wild success on the national stage, just as it did for beloved presidents Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, and Mitt Romney

The idealized, eternally young vision of Joe Biden popularized by eight years of Onion jokes and a recent bacchanal of memes

Clearly the perfect candidate: an unimpeachable, hagiographic deification of everything good about America

The real-life, 78 years old when he’d assume office, exhausted and worn out by years of constant partisan heckling, possibly still shaken by the death of his son, Joe Biden

who

Andrew Cuomo

Like Hillary Clinton, he first achieved national prominence through the Bill Clinton presidency; he successfully leveraged the success and reputation of a close relative to attain a major political office in New York; he is constantly accused of corruption by his opponents; he clearly desperately wants to be president; and he seems to be the early favorite of the party elite. But don’t worry, folks! Unlike Hillary, a) he is even less charismatic; and b) a series of indictments provide the sort of definite, concrete evidence of corruption that does away with the whole “alleged” and “accused of” mess that dragged Hillary down! There’s no way he can lose in 2020 with that sort of advantage!

Amy Klobuchar

Has a whole list of notable achievements and bona fides that would make her a fine president, but fuck that, here’s a story about how she so angered Justin Bieber that he demanded she be thrown in jail

Kamala Harris

Youthful, exciting, eloquent, popular, and photogenic, Harris has everyone in the party thrilled to discover how the party elite conspires to torpedo her chances

Hillary Clinton again

why not

Cory Booker

Booker is brilliant, eloquent, and experienced in both state and federal government, not to mention tall, handsome, and younger than anyone else on this list; he can speak with authority and righteous anger on issues of race and poverty; he is capable of just the sort of political and electoral ruthlessness which the Democrats have desperately lacked for years; he is a Stanford and Yale Law graduate as well as a Rhodes Scholar; he is a media darling who has appeared in everything from an Oscar-nominated documentary to Parks and Recreation; and he even speaks some Spanish—so it’s a real shame about the whole “despised on the left for his neoliberal ideology” thing

A Donkey

Running the Democratic mascot as a candidate would be sure to resonate with the sort of rural country folks that have fled the party en masse over the years—though it’s odd that the focus group that told us this snickered uncontrollably as they said it

Tammy Duckworth

Duckworth served as a helicopter pilot in Iraq and lost both her legs when her chopper was shot town—good luck swiftboating that, Republicans—and retired to public service, eventually finishing her Ph.D. while also serving in the House of Representatives but oh shit she was born in Thailand this is going to be another birther saga isn’t it I mean she’s eligible for the same reason Ted Cruz was but nobody pays attention to that sort of thing

Mark Cuban

The owner of the Dallas Mavericks would be a senseless choice that would speak to nothing more than the Democratic Party’s total lack of talent and its desperate grasping at any sort of straw that might keep it relevant, but he was featured on another site’s “possible 2020 contenders” list, so I guess he now merits consideration

Michelle Obama

Oh my god this would be fantastic and I would absolutely unironically love it even though she’ll never actually run and it would be so problematic and baggage-laden if we did but ehh screw it it’d be amazing and I’d love it

Gavin Newsom

Don’t be fooled by the young, handsome, progressive lieutenant governor of California: he’s actually Matthew McConaughey, playing his most ambitious role yet

Sherrod Brown

As I wrote last summer about the possibility of Brown being floated as Hillary Clinton’s vice-presidential pick:

“Sherrod Brown: Nope nope nope name sounds too Republican nope nope shut it down”

Also, he’ll turn 68 in 2020, and it says a lot about the current state of the Democratic Party that he’s still considered a younger, “fresher option” for 2020

John Hickenlooper

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ll believe that John Hickenlooper is a serious presidential candidate when he discovers a way to make his last name fit on a bumper sticker

The shambling, reanimated corpse of Bernie Sanders (as President-for-Life)

Who cares that he’ll be 79 in 2020? Or 83 in 2024? Bernie is the most popular politician in the country! Everybody loves him! He’s like your grandpa that yells a lot about how bad things are right now, except he does it in a good way! Hell, forget about just eight years—make him President-for-Life! Enlist some necromancers to perform twisted, sacrificial rituals in the White House crypt so that Bernie’s frail, withered corpse, surrounded at all times by the glowing red aura of occult blood magic, stays in power for the next thousand years and ensures that scores of generations of Americans get to Feel the Bern!

President Donald J. Trump

After all, there’s no more surefire way to guarantee that Trump loses the 2020 election than for him to run as a Democrat

Top image credit: Cezary p / Sogospelman / Avda / Senate Democrats / Gillibrand 2010 / Gage Skidmore / Pat Arnow / WallpaperCave / All other source images in public domain

NewsoMcConaughey image credit: lol i hope this falls under fair use / Public domain