WINNERS: 

Chris Christie: Just going to leave the governor’s mansion a free man, huh

Virginia: Its people elected America’s first transgender state legislator, a Democratic Socialist candidate, and also Ralph Northam, I guess

Phil Murphy: His election is heartwarming proof that, if you go to Harvard and Wharton, join Goldman Sachs straight out of school, rise through the ranks quickly, head several of their international offices and divisions, amass a nine-figure fortune, use your experience to become the Democratic National Committee’s National Finance Chair, and serve as the U.S. Ambassador to Germany under Barack Obama, you, too, can become Governor of New Jersey

The Democratic Party: Great night for them! Shame about this time last year, though

Ralph Northam: Proof that sometimes, you can shoot yourself in the foot and not hit any major arteries

Danica Roem: Gonna let this tweet speak for her accomplishment

Maine: Voted to expand Medicaid coverage under Obamacare in the first referendum of its kind, which is significant enough to include in this list but not really conducive to a funny comment

Hilarious, pathetic ass-kissing: Just look at this

Astounding, infuriating stupidity: Not because of anything that happened on Election Day, but rather because this beached whale of an article got published

 

LOSERS: 

New Jersey: Somehow, after everything that’s happened, gave Chris Christie’s handpicked successor almost 43% of the gubernatorial vote

Alabama: Still have over a month before their special election, somehow

The healing power of time: It’s been five days and I remain furious about that Tom & Jerry article I linked above

Chris Christie: Have to mention him again because, despite kissing up to Trump for almost two years, he still couldn’t convince Trump to endorse Kim Guadagno

Ed Gillespie: lololol he changed his Twitter birthday to Election Day in order to celebrate his victory with balloons

Forgiving, forgetting and moving on: …nope, still mad about that article

Donald J. Trump: There’s no two ways about it: these results are a serious blow to his chances of being elected president last year