Chris Christie

Winners and Losers from Election Day 2017

WINNERS: 

Chris Christie: Just going to leave the governor’s mansion a free man, huh

Virginia: Its people elected America’s first transgender state legislator, a Democratic Socialist candidate, and also Ralph Northam, I guess (more…)

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Breaking Down That New York Times Story About How The Trump Administration Can’t Find The White House Light Switches

On Sunday, the New York Times published a doozy of a report alleging that the Trump Administration remains woefully unprepared and underequipped for even the basic task of navigating the White House. There is a lot to unpack in this article, so I’m going to break it down line by line.

Let’s start right at the beginning. (more…)

Winners and Losers from Last Night’s Presidential Debate

WINNERS:

Hillary Clinton: Who knew just standing there with an amused look on her face while letting Trump’s increasingly desperate jabs bounce off her without a trace could be so effective?

The 2014 FIFA World Cup: Lester Holt’s moderation was a delightful throwback to the lenient refereeing in that Brazil vs. Colombia game that ended with Juan Zúñiga breaking Neymar’s back

Men repeatedly interrupting women: Many pundits are saying that Trump was at his strongest in the opening half hour, during which he interrupted Clinton 25 times, showing that this evergreen staple of sexism is still alive and kicking even in our progressive modern age

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Why Ted Cruz Announced He’s Voting For Trump

Ted Cruz announced today that he will vote for Donald Trump, despite refusing to endorse Trump at the RNC and after Trump had insulted his wife’s appearance and insinuated that his father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK. What’s behind this dramatic, humiliating about-face? Dr. #Content’s agents in the field bring us this report: 

It was the first day of fall, and Ted Cruz was enjoying the brisk air as he walked back home after a long day at the Senate. They’d been in session until almost 2:00 PM, hours that hadn’t been seen since Ted Cruz had shut down the government with his filibustering. Ted Cruz smiled at the memory. Ted Cruz was very proud of what he, Ted Cruz, had done that day: shutting down the government to halt the Obama administration’s overreach in its tracks. A little pep came into Ted Cruz’s step. Ted Cruz began humming one of his favorite tunes, the seminal “Let The Knife Do The Talking” by Hypocrisy. Ted Cruz smiled. Ah, that song brought back such good memories! Could this walk home get any better?

It turned out it could. Ted Cruz stopped in his tracks.

“‘A Discussion of Government Power in the Age of Constitutional Originalism’? And it’s in 15 minutes at American University? The most American university in the D.C. area? Sign me up!” said an excited Ted Cruz. “I can’t believe I hadn’t heard about this before now!”

Behind a tree, two men in frog masks snickered uncontrollably.

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Predicting Donald Trump’s Vice-Presidential Pick

Jeff Sessions: Still boasting a full head of real, un-dyed hair at age 69, he would add much-needed diversity to the ticket

Chris Christie: Naming him as VP would provide poignant closure to their story, as Christie initially loathed Trump before the two bonded over their shared history of ruining New Jersey

Newt Gingrich: Once said that women would be ill-suited for combat on the grounds that “females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections”, which should make it easy for he and Trump to create a unified indirectly-but-disparagingly-referencing-female-menstruation message

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Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash

Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer

Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

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Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

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