WINNERS: 

Sweden: Already among the 10 happiest countries in the world even before today’s result

Brazil: Watching today’s drama made me really glad my team has been assured of their place in the World Cup since literally March

Zlatan Ibrahimović: FORGET THAT “RETIRED FROM INTERNATIONAL PLAY” BUSINESS—ZLATAN’S COMING BACK FOR THE WORLD CUP, BABYYYYYYYYYYY

Everybody watching the World Cup: Gonna get to watch ZLATAN TEAR IT UP ALL TOURNAMENT LONG WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

All the other teams at the World Cup: Now have a chance to RECEIVE THE IMMENSE PRIVILEGE OF BEING SCORED ON BY ZLATAN AT THE WORLD CUP YEAH BOIIIIIII

Those folks who make soccer highlight compilations on YouTube: Will enjoy a feast of fresh #content thanks to ZLATAN STEAMROLLING OVER EVERY TEAM HE FACES AND JUST WRECKING THEIR SHIT AND SCORING GOALS LIKE THIS WHAT WHAAAAAAAAT

 

LOSERS: 

Italy: Well, at least Ferrari is cruising to another Formula 1 World Cha—oh

Jorginho: Turned down a chance to play for Brazil to play for this Italy side

Wikileaks: Unrelated to soccer, but oh my god just look at these thirsty-ass emails they sent Donald Trump Jr during the campaign

The United States: Still stewing in the humiliation of missing the World Cup themselves, tonight’s result only underlines that they need SOME ZLATAN, BABY! AWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHHH

The ref in today’s game: Was absolutely terrible, missing three or four clear penalty calls and letting Giorgio Chiellini off the hook for an early red-card offense, almost like he was SCARED OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ZLATAN WERE TO PLAY AT THE WORLD CUP

Literally nobody else: NOBODY IS A LOSER WHEN ZLATAN’S AROUND

 

 

 

Image: Steindy, Wikimedia Commons / Dr. #Content (amazing job photoshopping Zlatan’s face onto every member of the Swedish national team)