Priebus Lost: Book 6

THE Democrats’ malaise, by th’absence long
Of their Contender from both screen and stage
For two weeks’ convalescence magnified,
With each fresh Poll compounded, for the Don
By some remarkable mechanism found
Himself drawn e’en with Hillary, when days
Before he had been thought both dead and gone;
And Priebus, vindicated exponent
Of constant faith in Trump, would draw no blame
If he allow’d himself a brief reprieve,
A moment’s celebration of his work
To date, by far beyond the darkest fears
Espous’d amongst the Party back in May,
But no such interval allow’d himself:
For soon began the crucial stretch, the three
Debates, cruel Gauntlets each, where it was thought
Would fast be shown the bane of th’Aspirant,
Of Donald loud and unprepar’d: the Doom
Of him and Party both secur’d, and ease
Return’d to minds and hearts by him appall’d
Across America, as his Campaign
On Boasts and Slander predicated slid
To certain Loss, and normalcy restor’d;
The gravest threat to our Democracy
Since Tricky Dick, foul Scourge of Watergate
And Southern Stratagems, at last rebuff’d:
And Clinton’s years of toil, repeated Fights
And Labors many for mere cognizance,
For th’overlook of subjugation cruel
Against her Ilk and her, daughters of Eve,
For years enforc’d, at last great Dividend
Would pay. As our great Forebears, undeterr’d
Against the Redcoat adversary, years
Of war and toil in Countenances grim
And weary Dispositions evident,
Yet fin’ly at Yorktown victors, and now aware
With dawning Insight of the huge scope
Of their achievement, th’Overthrow unmatch’d
In all the written annals of the world—
E’en Alexandria, within whose Vaults
Is all the Wisdom of its Age contain’d,
Holds not a record of an equal Feat—
In both astonishment and rampant glee
They rais’d their cry of Triumph, from the chains
Of Tyranny at last releas’d, and bask’d
In newfound Opportunity: so she,
And all th’oppress’d her Kin, to great abuse
And vile injustice oft subjected, hop’d
In three months’ time to emulate, upon
The glitt’ring Coronation of the first
Woman ascendant to that highest Rank,
The Presidency, and too by default
The Leader of the Liberated World.

Yet the preceding Weeks had undermin’d
Her commanding position, for the Right
Upon her absence unrelenting press’d:
Two weeks continu’d that assault, by Trump
And syncophant alike: the Airwaves roil’d
With vitriol yet uncompar’d, and talk
Once unimagin’d; quick and turbulent
The change appear’d; th’anathema of old
Became in moments commonplace, while she,
Sequester’d, offer’d no reply; her face
It seem’d she dared not show, nor statement make
Explaining th’absence most peculiar
Which now for weeks had unabated stretch’d,
And long consum’d all talk in Washington.
Thus she in preparation spent her days
For th’ultimate Gauntlet in rehearsal.
In vain would prove the Trumpists’ hopes, for she
Had not her unexpected Quarantine
In some complacent fit let go to waste;
Instead, she went to meet her Forerunner,
Stately Barack Obama, where he sat
Shrin’d in his Domicile of White secure,
Consulting on the sum of things, who’d watch’d
This tumult, to observe and guarantee
Th’expected victory, and bury Trump,
That his great purpose he might so fulfill,
To honour his Anointed Heir aveng’d
Upon her Enemies, and to declare
All power to her transferr’d: whence to his Heir
Th’ Assessor of his Throne he thus began.
“My terms have come and past, the next are thine;
For thee I have ordain’d it, and thus far
Have suffer’d, that the Glory may be thine
Of leading this great Land, since we know Trump
Can’t do it. Into thee such Virtue and Grace
Immense I have transfus’d, that all may know
From Coast to Coast thy Worth above compare,
And this perverse Commotion govern’d thus,
To manifest thee worthiest to be Heir
Of all things, to be Heir and to be Prez
By Popular Vote, thy deservèd Prize.
Go then, o Hillary, in thy Forebear’s might,
Defend my Legacy, those hard-won Bills
That sav’d our Healthcare, and replenish’d Jobs:
Destroy these Sons of Bitches, keep them out
Of Washington, ensure that they’re reduc’d
To naught but Footnotes, by Hist’ry o’erlooked;
Protect this land from their disgraceful Aims.”
He said, and by his words embolden’d, she
Her preparations doubl’d, very soon
To crush at last her Foe, and seal as hers
The next four years in that great House in White,
A mere formality long since presum’d,
But in persistent doubt since cast: for Trump
Remain’d e’en now within statistic reach
In all the Polls, despite his summer’s mad
And constant deviations from good sense,
An undefeated adversary, whose Base
Seem’d not to care about his many faults,
Or else oppos’d at any cost the thought
Of Hillary’s election. Yet debate,
It was still thought, would surely overpow’r
That dismal mindset, at last demonstrate
Th’infirmity to lead America
Of their unseemly Candidate, and turn
No small contingent to Hillary’s Camp,
To grow her edge i’th Polls past all Error
And at last guarantee her victory.
The first Debate indeed pursu’d this course,
By all expected, and most eager sought:
Upon the podium stood Hillary
Unblemish’d and assur’d, by cool response
And faultless composition discrepant
Compared to the Donald, who rack’d by rage
Assum’d a glow incarnadine, and spat
Implausible assertions at his Foe
And of himself: “Look, our country’s losing
So much right now. So much. And Hillary
Isn’t going to help that. It’s because she’s
Just like Obama—no leadership. He
Was a disaster for our country, a
Disaster. You look at our inner cities,
There’s no jobs. And Hillary would keep doing
More of the same. She’d—NAFTA was the
Worst trade deal, a terrible deal, and her
Husband signed it. I’m the only one
Who can change things. I have a great company.
I have a tremendous income. Sure, maybe I
Rooted for the housing collapse back in
2006, and maybe I don’t
Pay any taxes, but you know what? That’s good
Business. It makes me smart, smarter than her.”
Of his complexion ruddi’d, and his breath
By ceaseless sniffling overcome, many Japes
And Jests, delightful Comedies, were made,
While of his verbal Effluence, by howls
And cries of “Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong” replac’d,
Unceasing Mockeries bedeck’d the waves
Of nighttime television; on top of which
His gleeful Opposition tore into
His ill-made claims that his evasion long
And by his Candidacy public made
Of th’I.R.S. represents not contempt
For Law and Order, nor greed uncontain’d,
But his Intelligence supreme to all;
That she had spent her life entire in War
Against th’extremist Sect, barbaric ISIS,
Though it emerg’d scant few years ago
Within the ravag’d Middle Orient,
Whose devastated Core th’United States
Continu’d occupy, with scant idea
To reconstruct or reconcile, yet fail’d
T’expect fresh conflict, that a Jihad arm’d
Out of its rule might spring, mis’rable strife
Surprise them, frail peace in flames thick and fast
Consume, and chain anew our Military
T’that quagmire for another decade more;
His wild imaginings expos’d as such,
His Probability, already slim,
Of victory still slenderer became.
The next Debates follow’d commensurate,
And countless new absurdities supplied,
From Epithets fresh both for Hillary
And Mexicans conceiv’d, to disavowal
Of future victory for Hillary
On th’Eighth November, on the charge that Fraud
And rank Conspiracy were all that could
Prevent him from a triumph he believ’d
Ordain’d by the Voters, with each new line
Imparting only strength to th’argument
Against his Presidency, though still thought
Unlikely to occur, a fraction more.
And yet despite this disastrous stretch
The worst for Trump would elsewhere come: for Tapes
From years ago had leak’d, with hideous talk
From Trump himself recorded thereupon,
In confidence ironic to a Bush,
Lesser progeny of the clan of George
And Dubya, Jeb too, thought defeated well
And long ago i’th’ Primaries,
Yet now the Guarantors of his defeat
By simple audience, now public made,
To these foul Words laid bare: “I better use
Some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing
Her. You know I’m automatically
Attracted to beautiful—I just start
Kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss.
I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star,
They let you do it. You can do anything.
Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do
Anything.” (If only this quote were as
The others in this work, a Parody
For joking’s sake distorted, but good Lord,
This one’s one hundred percent genuine…)