Debate

Priebus Lost: Book 6

THE Democrats’ malaise, by th’absence long
Of their Contender from both screen and stage
For two weeks’ convalescence magnified,
With each fresh Poll compounded, for the Don
By some remarkable mechanism found
Himself drawn e’en with Hillary, when days
Before he had been thought both dead and gone;
And Priebus, vindicated exponent
Of constant faith in Trump, would draw no blame
If he allow’d himself a brief reprieve,
A moment’s celebration of his work
To date, by far beyond the darkest fears
Espous’d amongst the Party back in May,
But no such interval allow’d himself:
For soon began the crucial stretch, the three
Debates, cruel Gauntlets each, where it was thought
Would fast be shown the bane of th’Aspirant,
Of Donald loud and unprepar’d: the Doom
Of him and Party both secur’d, and ease
Return’d to minds and hearts by him appall’d
Across America, as his Campaign
On Boasts and Slander predicated slid
To certain Loss, and normalcy restor’d;
The gravest threat to our Democracy
Since Tricky Dick, foul Scourge of Watergate
And Southern Stratagems, at last rebuff’d:
And Clinton’s years of toil, repeated Fights
And Labors many for mere cognizance,
For th’overlook of subjugation cruel
Against her Ilk and her, daughters of Eve,
For years enforc’d, at last great Dividend
Would pay. As our great Forebears, undeterr’d
Against the Redcoat adversary, years
Of war and toil in Countenances grim
And weary Dispositions evident,
Yet fin’ly at Yorktown victors, and now aware
With dawning Insight of the huge scope
Of their achievement, th’Overthrow unmatch’d
In all the written annals of the world—
E’en Alexandria, within whose Vaults
Is all the Wisdom of its Age contain’d,
Holds not a record of an equal Feat—
In both astonishment and rampant glee
They rais’d their cry of Triumph, from the chains
Of Tyranny at last releas’d, and bask’d
In newfound Opportunity: so she,
And all th’oppress’d her Kin, to great abuse
And vile injustice oft subjected, hop’d
In three months’ time to emulate, upon
The glitt’ring Coronation of the first
Woman ascendant to that highest Rank,
The Presidency, and too by default
The Leader of the Liberated World.

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Priebus Lost: Book 1

OF the Base’s Disobedience, and the Rise
Of th’orange Fiend, whose dreadful words
Brought Strife into the Right, and all our woe,
With loss of Donors, which allow’d the Dems
In four quick years to right their myriad Ills,
Sing, Reag’nly Muse, that with thine glowing talk
Of shining City on Hill, didst inspire
This Party, and first taught the chosen Pols
In the Beginning how th’Income of All
With Tax Cuts for the Rich would rise; I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous Song,
That if I get some luck might someday grace
The hallowed Leaves of Kristol’s Standard, or,
I daren’t dream, the National Review,
That pinnacle sheer of Right-wing Thought.
Say first, for Reason hides nothing from thy view,
Nor Mainstream Media foul, say first what cause
Moved our feal Voters from their happy State,
Favor’d of the Kochs so highly, to stray
From their obed’nt Path, and flout our Will
For a man who the badge “Conservative”
Op’nly mock’d? How were they by him seduc’d
To foul Revolt, against all we have deem’d
Moral and true, against all right and Right?
Th’infernal Donald: ‘twas he whose boasts
Stirr’d ‘mongst working class Whites twin burning fires
Of Envy and Revenge. We laugh’d him off
And from the Prim’ry Race did not evict,
But gave him licence broad to stir the Pot
And thrill the Base, and draw the Media’s gaze:
A harmless flight before simple Marco
Or placid Jeb was picked, or so we thought:
And now, behold our dismal current State,
To braggart Demon we by Party lines
Beholden render’d, by our Leadership
Betray’d for naught but Power’s fleeting taste.
Muse, tell our Story; start, before all else,
Late in the Primaries, the last Debate
Before Nomination, that we might know
The devastation first, the character
O’th’ Ghoul which was unleash’d upon the land,
And then extrapolate his Origins,
Derive his Engineers and Architects
With understanding full of what they wrought.

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Winners and Losers from Last Night’s Presidential Debate

WINNERS:

Hillary Clinton: Who knew just standing there with an amused look on her face while letting Trump’s increasingly desperate jabs bounce off her without a trace could be so effective?

The 2014 FIFA World Cup: Lester Holt’s moderation was a delightful throwback to the lenient refereeing in that Brazil vs. Colombia game that ended with Juan Zúñiga breaking Neymar’s back

Men repeatedly interrupting women: Many pundits are saying that Trump was at his strongest in the opening half hour, during which he interrupted Clinton 25 times, showing that this evergreen staple of sexism is still alive and kicking even in our progressive modern age

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Hillary Clinton is Going to Totally DESTROY Donald Trump in Tonight’s Debate and I Can’t Wait

Finally. After MONTHS of the media milking overblown controversies while giving Donald Trump and his cronies a free pass, of ridiculous and untrue statements from the Trump campaign, of absurd and sexist scrutiny about Hillary’s health, Tuesday’s debate is her chance to turn the tables on Trump and rip him and his flimsy proposals to shreds. Here’s how:

  • We’ve known all along that there’s only one candidate who understands the issues and will take the presidency seriously, and it sure as heck ain’t the guy who’s been blowing off any sort of debate prep. The whole country will watch Hillary clearly and effortlessly articulate the specifics of her proposals while Trump continues to avoid explaining how he’s going to get his wall built, and they’ll see that Trump’s proposals are just a bunch of thin air.
  • Plus, the moderators will press Trump harder than ever before. After the furor surrounding Matt Lauer’s failure to fact-check Trump during NBC’s commander-in-chief forum and Jimmy Fallon’s dangerously positive interview with Trump, you can be sure that the moderators won’t let any lies or distortions go unpunished.
  • Now that I think about it, though, (more…)

Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

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Winners and Losers of the December 15 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Successfully resisted the compulsion to raise his hand and ask the moderators for permission when he needed to use the bathroom

Carly Fiorina: Kept up the intricate web of self-delusion that lets her believe she was a successful CEO

Jeb Bush: Drew a round of applause for the first time in his campaign

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