Reince Priebus

Breaking Down That Time Anthony Scaramucci Said Steve Bannon Sucks His Own Cock

In what has already been surpassed as the biggest political story of the last 24 hours, The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza reported that newly-appointed White House communications director Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci called him up and unleashed a profanity-laden tirade in which he vowed to fire and/or kill everyone behind the White House’s continued news leaks. I have quickly been made to regret not writing about this last night, when it was still the number one news item, but frankly, it’s so amazing that I have to write about it. Let’s go through it, line by line.  (more…)

Winners and Losers from Sean Spicer’s Resignation

 

Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary literally, like, a couple hours ago. Who wins and who loses from this turn of events? Let’s find out. 

WINNERS: 

Sean Spicer: I mean, duh

Donald Trump: The appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director reinforced that he is a Big, Independent President Man totally above the objections and whims of his underlings, with the exception of course of his son-in-law (more…)

Breaking Down That New York Times Story About How The Trump Administration Can’t Find The White House Light Switches

On Sunday, the New York Times published a doozy of a report alleging that the Trump Administration remains woefully unprepared and underequipped for even the basic task of navigating the White House. There is a lot to unpack in this article, so I’m going to break it down line by line.

Let’s start right at the beginning. (more…)

Ted Cruz Reconnects With the People of Texas

Austin, Texas. The fourth-largest city in Texas, and the fastest-growing, a fact that always created an uneasy tickle in the lower part of Ted Cruz’s abdomen. Like now. Ted Cruz was thinking about it (the fourth-largest city in Texas thing, and also the fastest-growing bit) and feeling that unpleasant pit below his (Ted Cruz’s) stomach. But this was no time for reflection. Ted Cruz had work to do.

Ted Cruz took a deep breath. This was not going to be fun. But it was part of his (Ted Cruz’s) duties as a Senator from Texas, the largest state by area in the contiguous United States (among other distinctions too numerous to mention here). His (Ted Cruz’s) advisors had recommended a trip here, to a part of Texas he (Ted Cruz) normally didn’t visit, in order to get a feel for his (Ted Cruz’s) constituents and their mentality ahead of his (Ted Cruz’s) reelection campaign (for the United States Senate) in 2018. (more…)

Lose (“Wolves” Parody)

[Hook: Reince Priebus]
He’s down, she’s up
Losin’, polls found
There must be, some way up
Don’t don’t lie, polls polls lie
Down and she’s up
Polls found, losin’
There must be, some way up
Polls can’t lie, polls don’t lie

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
Lost and, found out
Turned out, how we feared
They all, found out
What Trump’s about, what Trump’s about
If Ronald knew now
How we’d turned out, he’d go wild (more…)

Famous (GOP Primaries Mix)

[Intro: Sharon Day (Republican National Committee Co-Chairman) + Paul Ryan]
Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard keep faith in our party
I don’t blame you much for thinking we’ll get beat
I just wanted to let you know
Whoo, whoo
Reince told me let the beat rock

[Verse 1: Paul Ryan + (Reince Priebus)]
For all my House floor cronies who’re so distressed
About the Don topping polls, be at rest
Why? It’s just that Trump’s famous (that’s it)
It’s just that Trump’s famous (more…)

Staaaaaaaaaay on Messsssaaaaaaaaage Intermission

[Reince Priebus]
Donnie, Donnie, what’s good?
It’s your boy Reince P, what’s going on?
Just checking in on you
Wanna make sure you know what’s up
We have a memo here
I’m sure your campaign’s already told you, so you already know
But just in case, here’s the thing:
I know I’ve already said this several times, but
This has to stop
Yeah, we know you’re our candidate
But you can’t keep just doing you (more…)