Reince Priebus

The Complete Priebus Lost

At last, it is finished. Spanning ten individually illustrated chapters and almost two thousand lines of iambic pentameter, covering everything from the Republican primary to the Anthony Scaramucci debacle and beyond, Priebus Lost is, dare I say, the definitive Paradise Lost parody of the Trump era. Below you will find links to every chapter of this extraordinary poem. Enjoy.

If you wish instead to see the entire poem on one page (with helpful line numbering!) click here.

 

Book I

Book II

Book III

Book IV

Book V

Book VI

Book VII

Book VIII

Book IX

Book X

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Priebus Lost: Book 10

EVENTUALLY the execution could
Be stay’d no longer; th’end of Priebus’ time
In the retention of the President,
Long inevitable, drew close at hand,
By telling Hints the imminent event
Confirm’d: most notable th’Appointment made
To a position prominent within the ranks
Of Trump’s devout of the wild Financier,
Rotten-tongu’d Scaramucci, from New York
Of birth, as Trump, and similar in Airs;
This the first Portent, for without consent
From Priebus, though such installations are
The purview of the Chief of Staff, the move
Was made. In swift succession public eyes
Beheld a second Portent, for the Mooch,
Impromptu spirit as his Boss, reach’d out
To those i’th’ mainstream News though Fake, and rag’d
Against th’incriminating Leaks which long
With tales of dissonance amongst the staff
O’th’ White House had defam’d the Trump Regime:

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 9

THE White House won, by Priebus’ hand restor’d
To G.O.P. Dominion, by his faith
In Trump’s improbable Campaign contriv’d,
The man himself, scheming Reince, expected
The universal shout and high applause
Of his companions in th’Establishment
To fill his ear, but contrary he hears
On all sides, from innumerable tongues
A dismal universal hiss, the sound
Of public scorn, th’accumulate disgust
Of every sort, innumerable diatribes
From those of every stripe begotten; spheres
From alt-right to lib’ral alike afire
With savage condemnation, equal scorn
From Breitbart’s crowd, by his embodiment
Of mainstream Principles, unwelcome sign
O’th’ cucked and feeble G.O.P. command
Hast’ning to place its loathsome check upon
And undermine the plans of Trump too bold
By far for their geriatric Decree,
To blist’ring rage provok’d (though this itself
Was no great deviation from the norm);
From the Snowflakes o’th’ Left, by slight offense
Spurr’d to tyrannic outcry, in this case
Against th’Administration entire, and all
Who make up part of it, as if by noise
Or agitation they might overturn
Or render null th’Election they themselves
Had thought assur’d, and reimpose the fail’d
Agenda just rejected at the Polls
And by Obama’s reign inadequate
For most Americans demonstrated;
And even from th’Establishment itself,
By the reluctance of their Chief of Staff
To offer any countermand to Trump,
Nor e’en the merest obstacle impose
Betwixt the fragile levers of Statecraft
And the bituminous imagination
Now at their helm position’d,
To agitation spurr’d, but yet reserv’d
Far greater worry for th’Agenda they
Through Trump’s success and th’unfettered control
Of ev’ry Branch of Government hoped impose,
But which in dissonance lay mired, with blame
Cast wide, and little progress made. Thus Reince
‘Pon Trump’s inauguration immediately
A miserable Scenario assumed,
Yet soon worse made, for Trump, novitiate
In Washington, yet confident miles far
Beyond all reason, hastens to pursue
His many wild designs, but sells for speed
Invaluable Order, precious Decorum,
Undroppable components of D.C.
Since long-forgotten years, and by their loss
Fresh disarray inspires in the Party,
And their Agenda week by week delays.
Th’Inauguration a bright memory
For all the Right had scarce become when Trump
Upon fresh warpaths opted tread, his ire
At novel targets multitudinous
And fast proliferating opted train.

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 8

THE Eighth at length arriv’d, the Nation worn
And weary flock’d at last to Polling-place
And Voting-booth, their Ballots fin’ly cast,
And home retir’d, expecting in the morn
The long-awaited loss, relief at least
From the protracted Saga they’d endur’d,
Though Clintonite win could not pacify
Their long-held apoplexy, which four years
From now would surely surface fresh,
And some more palatable Candidate
Than Trump had prov’d perhaps support,
And make of th’Incumbent far easier work:
Yet to the shock of all Americans
Save those deluded, or so presuppos’d
By any who the word of Gallup took
As gospel still, that gelid Tuesday night
Saw not th’expected loss for Trump and co.
Transpire, but devastation saw by twist
And error stopped: for th’F.B.I.’s renege
Of their investigation of Hillary,
Though broadcast publicly, arriv’d two eves
Before the crucial Day, while since th’O.G.
Announcement nine had pass’d, and each of those
The News, both print and not, e’en CNN,
Had spent hysterical with postulates,
Hypotheses of huge significance
And shattering effect upon the Race
By th’otherwise unint’resting events
Available for cov’rage magnfi’d,
Which th’undecided Voters, numb’ring still
Surprising legion e’en with everything,
At this late hour, that in two days could not
The Bureau’s countermand reverse in full:
Thus fin’ly did the Clintonite Regime,
Bad Engine of apocalyptic bent,
Its slender lead saw by th’Electors turn’d
Into unprecedented fall, the will
Of Working-Class Americans supreme
To any machination, and th’Elite
At last rebuff’d, at least the lib’ral kind,
Foul Variant allow’d too long in charge:
Not only White House reattain’d, but far
And wide across the ballot fear’d rebukes
To Trump avoided; thus the G.O.P.
Both House and Senate held: the Branches three
Of Pow’r elected, as they not in years
Had managed, under th’Elephantine Sign
Consolidated; and th’undoing, which seem’d
Mere days ago the stuff of reveries,
Denying wish of those who four years more
Of Status Quo could not accept, of th’Age
Of ruin th’incompetent and treacherous
Obama, loath’d Apostate, had conceiv’d,
From desp’rate wish to imminent had leapt
In mere hours’ passage, leaving all the Right
United in their haste to drown in praise
And reify the wisdom absolute
Of Priebus, Chair prophetic, whose support
Of Trump unwavering had broad victory
To all the Grand Old Party’s ranks conferr’d.

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 7

THE Debates done, and mild October’s ides
Forgotten, now by cold November winds
Replac’d, and the dread forecast now assum’d
Unstoppable, Clintonian dictate held
For four more years o’er th’unhappy Public
And furthermore unmask’d, no figurehead
Before the People propp’d, but, as throughout
Th’amoral Nineties by th’adulterous
And ribald Bill, enacted openly,
The vitiation of America
Without forbearance by its highest Throne
Made manifest, the Donald, with’ring hope
Of all Republicans to save the States
United from that debasement, four years
Of leftist Malice, and a score beyond
By Nominees to the Judiciary
In bilious fury left to comprehend
Th’embarrassment now imminent, a loss
Of scope calamitous, blow ruinous
To th’Image, since th’Eighties by constant press
And garish tastes constructed, of his great
And peerless brilliance, a Businessman
Unparallell’d, and proven capable
Of constant victory, who thereby would
America’s old Greatness reinstate.
In th’absence of their Candidate, the Right
In panic turn’d to Priebus, treasur’d Chief,
Whose counsel resonant remain’d amongst
The Party’s chaos, and direction sought
Amongst th’anathemic Clime, by the foul
And horrid countenance o’th’ Donald wrought,
And Catechism on how best to face
Th’inquisitive Media, set dead against
Th’insurgent Right and all its crew, desir’d
Receive, if any could be had. To these
Repeated questions answer, noble Reince
The hostile Press himself confronted, wise
That by example he should lead his Peers
And offer reassurance though minute
About Election Day, and on TV
Where re: his Candidate he thus began.

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 6

THE Democrats’ malaise, by th’absence long
Of their Contender from both screen and stage
For two weeks’ convalescence magnified,
With each fresh Poll compounded, for the Don
By some remarkable mechanism found
Himself drawn e’en with Hillary, when days
Before he had been thought both dead and gone;
And Priebus, vindicated exponent
Of constant faith in Trump, would draw no blame
If he allow’d himself a brief reprieve,
A moment’s celebration of his work
To date, by far beyond the darkest fears
Espous’d amongst the Party back in May,
But no such interval allow’d himself:
For soon began the crucial stretch, the three
Debates, cruel Gauntlets each, where it was thought
Would fast be shown the bane of th’Aspirant,
Of Donald loud and unprepar’d: the Doom
Of him and Party both secur’d, and ease
Return’d to minds and hearts by him appall’d
Across America, as his Campaign
On Boasts and Slander predicated slid
To certain Loss, and normalcy restor’d;
The gravest threat to our Democracy
Since Tricky Dick, foul Scourge of Watergate
And Southern Stratagems, at last rebuff’d:
And Clinton’s years of toil, repeated Fights
And Labors many for mere cognizance,
For th’overlook of subjugation cruel
Against her Ilk and her, daughters of Eve,
For years enforc’d, at last great Dividend
Would pay. As our great Forebears, undeterr’d
Against the Redcoat adversary, years
Of war and toil in Countenances grim
And weary Dispositions evident,
Yet fin’ly at Yorktown victors, and now aware
With dawning Insight of the huge scope
Of their achievement, th’Overthrow unmatch’d
In all the written annals of the world—
E’en Alexandria, within whose Vaults
Is all the Wisdom of its Age contain’d,
Holds not a record of an equal Feat—
In both astonishment and rampant glee
They rais’d their cry of Triumph, from the chains
Of Tyranny at last releas’d, and bask’d
In newfound Opportunity: so she,
And all th’oppress’d her Kin, to great abuse
And vile injustice oft subjected, hop’d
In three months’ time to emulate, upon
The glitt’ring Coronation of the first
Woman ascendant to that highest Rank,
The Presidency, and too by default
The Leader of the Liberated World.

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 5

BUT soon bright hope arose anew, the faint
And fading odds of victory for Trump
In merely moments heighten’d: for a Film
Of Hillary emerg’d, a damning Shot
Which showed her balance lost upon a Stair,
Only regain’d by th’intervention swift
Of her perennial Retinue, who snatch’d
Her tumbling form by th’elbow, and fast
Into a waiting van in fed’ral black
Deliver’d her, and to some secret Lair
Away from prying eyes she disappear’d;
At which emerg’d the spawn of Infowars,
Wild-eyed Contingent birth’d o’th’ bellowing
And deadbeat Alex Jones, huckster entranc’d
With all Conspiracy, convinc’d that Trump
Alone remain’d between th’Americans
And the malicious Globalists who seek
Complete dominion o’er our heav’nly Sphere
Through Hillary, their foremost Adjutant:
With this fresh evidence that metal brace
And careful occultation hid the truth
Of her ailing Condition from the world,
Their cries of Fraud renew’d, and fresh embark’d
On speculation rampant on her Health.
Of haemorrhages multiple, her Blood
Pregnant with Aneurysm, Seizures too
Uncheck’d and rampant, and Sclerosis far
And visibly advanc’d, such Maladies
By Parkinson’s, stopp’d Veins, and ailing Heart
Compounded, spoke her Critics with scant pause
And unimpeach’d assuredness, and each case
As testament to her unready State
And her danger tremendous if bequeath’d
Ultimate Pow’r o’er th’U.S.A. with haste
Was seized upon; and soon their Postulates
And Convictions assorted were affirm’d:
For Hillary herself, desiring quash
The wild-eyed Speculations numerous,
Yet still surpassing frail, incapable
Of public audience though brief, at last
Via Surrogate her Affliction confirm’d.
As Mexicans, by Trump and co. decri’d
As fearsome Savages unfixing bent
On the destruction of America
And all its residents, are nonetheless
Perceiv’d to be against a sturdy Wall
Of good construction pow’rless, passage through
To them denied, so scheming Hillary
Was by her Constitution frail contain’d,
Impeding her from reporting firsthand
Her own Infirmity, which but confirm’d
Th’imaginations of the Right, which seiz’d
With glee this twist of plot. Fast the news spread
And far of her pneumoniac State, and soon
The desk and ear attain’d, and conf’rence held,
With none but the GOP Chair himself,
Ingenious Priebus, wise and steady Hand
Guiding American Conservatism,
Whose resignated air fast disappear’d
Upon his hearing; e’en a smile, scarce seen
O’er the past year, return’d though tentative
To his unhopeful Visage, furrow’d deep
Long since by Trump’s disastrous utterings,
But liven’d now by fresh potential seen
For triumph in November, and domain
Return’d to the Republicans, main goal
For which he was elected to pursue
At any cost, to reinstate their Way,
Their Laws, across the land, and satiate
The billionaire Financiers who on th’ass
Of all the Party rode without relent,
Dismay’d at the disastrous circumstance
Which had seem’d sure to impede their aims
Of carte blanche Rule bless’d by the G.O.P.
Thus Priebus, energiz’d anew with hope,
Restor’d in vigor, chance of victory
For once not pitiful, stood to address
His loyal crew, and reinforcement give:
“My Aides and Subjects, faithful Acolytes,
Adherents lifelong to the Principles
Of Government small, and Liberty
Foremost to th’Individual designate,
Our long and thankless summer, endless hours
To research of our Foe in thankless slog
Devoted, has at last deliver’d spoils.
Our Enemy, dread Hillary, dire Witch,
Blonde Harbinger of national Decay,
Of Benghazi the one sole Architect,
And by mismanaged Emails tainted far
Beyond any who sought before that Seat
Most high, and most requiring virtuous
And dignified comportment, has today
Upon her infinite Roll of sin
Fresh failure added: for her recent slip
Though quick disguis’d, did not the public eye
Evade, but rather rare confession forc’d:
She ails, Pneumonia the cause; a gaffe
Beyond the pale, proof unequivocal
That she’s no leader: more than just corrupt,
Unfit: our Nation’s myriad problems cannot
To her frail will be trusted. So we must
Rally anew behind our Candidate,
With doubl’d effort advertise our Cause.
The mainstream News must know; we’ll send our best
To tell them, and appear in primetime; then
We must remind the public that there is
One man alone who this insipid rule
By sick and avaricious Baronage
Can decimate, and to the Commonfolk
Thir rightful pow’rs restore. These artful moves
Shall far and wide on th’airwaves propagate,
And in the absence of that Crook, infirm
And therefore helpless, our Message unmatch’d
By all resistance quickly shall suffuse
The public mind; the mainstream Narrative
Before the first Debate shall thus be ours,
And the momentum, from the Democrat
By great and constant enterprise usurp’d,
We shan’t relinquish. Our incessant press
Upon the Crook’s credentials shall afford
No momentary respite: constantly
She shall be forc’d, her record to defend,
Which she cannot; and in the Polls we’ll rise,
And we Conservatives shall have at last
Dominion o’er the White House once again.”
He spake: and to confirm his words, out flew
Dozens of glowing phones, drawn from the slacks
Of Party Officers; the sudden blaze
Far round illumin’d th’office: fast they typ’d
To tell their Staffers, and bright with rais’d hopes
Took anew to the trail, with fiery Tweets
Hurling defiance at Crooked Hillary.