Reince Priebus

Priebus Lost: Book 6

The Democrats’ malaise, by th’absence long
Of their Contender from both screen and stage
For two weeks’ convalescence magnified,
With each fresh Poll compounded, for the Don
By some remarkable mechanism found
Himself drawn e’en with Hillary, when days
Before he had been thought both dead and gone;
And Priebus, vindicated exponent
Of constant faith in Trump, would draw no blame
If he allow’d himself a brief reprieve,
A moment’s celebration of his work
To date, by far beyond the darkest fears
Espous’d amongst the Party back in May,
But no such interval allow’d himself:
For soon began the crucial stretch, the three
Debates, cruel Gauntlets each, where it was thought
Would fast be shown the bane of th’Aspirant,
Of Donald loud and unprepar’d: the Doom
Of him and Party both secur’d, and ease
Return’d to minds and hearts by him appall’d
Across America, as his Campaign
On Boasts and Slander predicated slid
To certain Loss, and normalcy restor’d;
The gravest threat to our Democracy
Since Tricky Dick, foul Scourge of Watergate
And Southern Stratagems, at last rebuff’d:
And Clinton’s years of toil, repeated Fights
And Labors many for mere cognizance,
For th’overlook of subjugation cruel
Against her Ilk and her, daughters of Eve,
For years enforc’d, at last great Dividend
Would pay. As our great Forebears, undeterr’d
Against the Redcoat adversary, years
Of war and toil in Countenances grim
And weary Dispositions evident,
Yet fin’ly at Yorktown victors, and now aware
With dawning Insight of the huge scope
Of their achievement, th’Overthrow unmatch’d
In all the written annals of the world—
E’en Alexandria, within whose Vaults
Is all the Wisdom of its Age contain’d,
Holds not a record of an equal Feat—
In both astonishment and rampant glee
They rais’d their cry of Triumph, from the chains
Of Tyranny at last releas’d, and bask’d
In newfound Opportunity: so she,
And all th’oppress’d her Kin, to great abuse
And vile injustice oft subjected, hop’d
In three months’ time to emulate, upon
The glitt’ring Coronation of the first
Woman ascendant to that highest Rank,
The Presidency, and too by default
The Leader of the Liberated World.

(more…)

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Priebus Lost: Book 5

BUT soon bright hope arose anew, the faint
And fading odds of victory for Trump
In merely moments heighten’d: for a Film
Of Hillary emerg’d, a damning Shot
Which showed her balance lost upon a Stair,
Only regain’d by th’intervention swift
Of her perennial Retinue, who snatch’d
Her tumbling form by th’elbow, and fast
Into a waiting van in fed’ral black
Deliver’d her, and to some secret Lair
Away from prying eyes she disappear’d;
At which emerg’d the spawn of Infowars,
Wild-eyed Contingent birth’d o’th’ bellowing
And deadbeat Alex Jones, huckster entranc’d
With all Conspiracy, convinc’d that Trump
Alone remain’d between th’Americans
And the malicious Globalists who seek
Complete dominion o’er our heav’nly Sphere
Through Hillary, their foremost Adjutant:
With this fresh evidence that metal brace
And careful occultation hid the truth
Of her ailing Condition from the world,
Their cries of Fraud renew’d, and fresh embark’d
On speculation rampant on her Health.
Of haemorrhages multiple, her Blood
Pregnant with Aneurysm, Seizures too
Uncheck’d and rampant, and Sclerosis far
And visibly advanc’d, such Maladies
By Parkinson’s, stopp’d Veins, and ailing Heart
Compounded, spoke her Critics with scant pause
And unimpeach’d assuredness, and each case
As testament to her unready State
And her danger tremendous if bequeath’d
Ultimate Pow’r o’er th’U.S.A. with haste
Was seized upon; and soon their Postulates
And Convictions assorted were affirm’d:
For Hillary herself, desiring quash
The wild-eyed Speculations numerous,
Yet still surpassing frail, incapable
Of public audience though brief, at last
Via Surrogate her Affliction confirm’d.
As Mexicans, by Trump and co. decri’d
As fearsome Savages unfixing bent
On the destruction of America
And all its residents, are nonetheless
Perceiv’d to be against a sturdy Wall
Of good construction pow’rless, passage through
To them denied, so scheming Hillary
Was by her Constitution frail contain’d,
Impeding her from reporting firsthand
Her own Infirmity, which but confirm’d
Th’imaginations of the Right, which seiz’d
With glee this twist of plot. Fast the news spread
And far of her pneumoniac State, and soon
The desk and ear attain’d, and conf’rence held,
With none but the GOP Chair himself,
Ingenious Priebus, wise and steady Hand
Guiding American Conservatism,
Whose resignated air fast disappear’d
Upon his hearing; e’en a smile, scarce seen
O’er the past year, return’d though tentative
To his unhopeful Visage, furrow’d deep
Long since by Trump’s disastrous utterings,
But liven’d now by fresh potential seen
For triumph in November, and domain
Return’d to the Republicans, main goal
For which he was elected to pursue
At any cost, to reinstate their Way,
Their Laws, across the land, and satiate
The billionaire Financiers who on th’ass
Of all the Party rode without relent,
Dismay’d at the disastrous circumstance
Which had seem’d sure to impede their aims
Of carte blanche Rule bless’d by the G.O.P.
Thus Priebus, energiz’d anew with hope,
Restor’d in vigor, chance of victory
For once not pitiful, stood to address
His loyal crew, and reinforcement give:
“My Aides and Subjects, faithful Acolytes,
Adherents lifelong to the Principles
Of Government small, and Liberty
Foremost to th’Individual designate,
Our long and thankless summer, endless hours
To research of our Foe in thankless slog
Devoted, has at last deliver’d spoils.
Our Enemy, dread Hillary, dire Witch,
Blonde Harbinger of national Decay,
Of Benghazi the one sole Architect,
And by mismanaged Emails tainted far
Beyond any who sought before that Seat
Most high, and most requiring virtuous
And dignified comportment, has today
Upon her infinite Roll of sin
Fresh failure added: for her recent slip
Though quick disguis’d, did not the public eye
Evade, but rather rare confession forc’d:
She ails, Pneumonia the cause; a gaffe
Beyond the pale, proof unequivocal
That she’s no leader: more than just corrupt,
Unfit: our Nation’s myriad problems cannot
To her frail will be trusted. So we must
Rally anew behind our Candidate,
With doubl’d effort advertise our Cause.
The mainstream News must know; we’ll send our best
To tell them, and appear in primetime; then
We must remind the public that there is
One man alone who this insipid rule
By sick and avaricious Baronage
Can decimate, and to the Commonfolk
Thir rightful pow’rs restore. These artful moves
Shall far and wide on th’airwaves propagate,
And in the absence of that Crook, infirm
And therefore helpless, our Message unmatch’d
By all resistance quickly shall suffuse
The public mind; the mainstream Narrative
Before the first Debate shall thus be ours,
And the momentum, from the Democrat
By great and constant enterprise usurp’d,
We shan’t relinquish. Our incessant press
Upon the Crook’s credentials shall afford
No momentary respite: constantly
She shall be forc’d, her record to defend,
Which she cannot; and in the Polls we’ll rise,
And we Conservatives shall have at last
Dominion o’er the White House once again.”
He spake: and to confirm his words, out flew
Dozens of glowing phones, drawn from the slacks
Of Party Officers; the sudden blaze
Far round illumin’d th’office: fast they typ’d
To tell their Staffers, and bright with rais’d hopes
Took anew to the trail, with fiery Tweets
Hurling defiance at Crooked Hillary.

Priebus Lost: Book 4

IN summer Cleveland, four Days and four Nights
Of turmoil pass’d within th’Arena huge
Of Quicken Loans cacophonous, whose Stage
Was by the Right’s abundant talent cross’d;
From fi’ry Giuliani, to young Ernst
Star rising of the Party, and Cotton, he
Who for a 2020 run e’en now
Was being groomed, so dim were thought the odds
For Trump this year: All spake their piece on stage,
And so did Carson, Christie, Rubio,
All former rivals of Trump pacifi’d
And now begrudgingly allow’d to speak
(Alongside the founder of UFC
As well as some guy from Duck Dynasty).
Four days of vicious slurs against the Dems,
Felonious Hillary denounc’d, with cries
Of “Benghazi!” oft interspers’d, and “Blue
Lives Matter!” too, had pass’d, and some small hope
For Trump’s success renew’d, despite the calls
From holdouts various to stand oppos’d
To their own Candidate, and vote instead
Their Conscience, and concede to Hillary
Before one Vote was cast. In secret now
Was Priebus met with his Lieutenants; cheers
And ovations upon their Chief
And mastermind they shower’d: “Noble Reince,
Wise Priebus, Chairman great of all the Right,
Your words again have proven true: while we,
Your faithless Crew, thought Trump divisive, foul,
Incapable of beating Clinton, you
Maintain’d your Trust, and without fear or qualm
Our Nominee endors’d; and now we see
Your faith repaid. His fervent Speech capp’d off
A Convention magnificent, and prov’d
That of Restraint he’s capable, and that
His careless words and deeds shall not define
His White House bid, and even less impair
Republicans elsewhere in their Campaigns:
The Senate and the House shall not turn Blue.”
At this untemper’d praise delighted, Reince
Repli’d in turn: “Aides, trusty Staffers, friends
And comrades firm, there is no need to fear
Trump simple, easily controll’d, who has
No desire to lead himself, and gave
We true Conservatives total license
To write his Platform, and his Veep, the grey
And archconservative Mike Pence, select:
He only thinks of Winning, nothing more.
The White House he shall give us, after which
The actual Rule shall be our own. Now come,
My charges, let us go and witness him
Campaign across the Nation; watch how he
Expounds our winning Message, and promotes
Conservative Contestants high and low,
By his charisma raising each and all
Who shares our Principles. With him to mouth
The people’s Voice, our victory is sure:
For crony Hillary the White House gates
Shall clos’d remain, now and forevermore.”

(more…)

Priebus Lost: Book 3

ON May Thirteenth, when nine times cable News
Its twenty-four hour Cycle had expir’d,
The mainstream G.O.P.—in anguish lain
Confounded on a D.C. office Floor
E’er since the hideous news of May the Fourth,
When Kasich, slim hope of th’Establishment
To through Convention contested best Trump
And seize the Nomination, fin’ly ceas’d
And gave the nod to the cruel Businessman
In all but name—at last regain’d their feet,
And their debacle explanation sought,
Or if none were found, Scapegoats; for their fate,
Which bade of naught but wrath, of Super PACs
Defrauded, centrist Voters shunned, and bile
Upon them by their own Candidate pour’d,
Shon clearly. Now each shot a baleful look
At his despondent Peers, and no blame assum’d,
E’en as disaster by their lax hands transpir’d
To all sides lay. Alone each man observ’d
The dismal Situation: all around
The office red and blue was lit; yet light
Serv’d only to discover sights of woe,
Of Benefactors horrifi’d, and Polls
Of public loathing scatter’d round; how bleak
The Odds, which ‘gainst the Democrats had once,
With field of youth precocious, gov’nors strong,
And maverick hopefuls certain seem’d. Alone
Gaz’d each in horror, to inaction chill’d
By monstrous Error shar’d. Titanic grew
The chilling Quiet, by guilty Conscience birth’d
And plural Shame fast multipli’d immense;
When from that desolation huge arose
The Party Chairman, highest exponent
Of G.O.P. and Right, guide principl’d
Of all Conservatism, who tow’ring stood
In three-grand Suit of atramentous weave
As smooth and black as Night itself, but for
The Flag Pin small on his Lapel, and soon
Discern’d before him a man next himself
In stature in the Party, Commandant
Of their Majority in the Senate,
Long known in Washington, first dissident
Against Obama, Mitch McConnell nam’d.
To whom the Chairman of the G.O.P.,
Known far and wide as Priebus, with bold words
Breaking the horrid silence, thus began.

(more…)

Breaking Down Today’s Amazing New York Times Story That Says Trump Drinks A Dozen Diet Cokes A Day (With Jokes)

The New York Times has a huge and absolutely wild story today on the current state of Donald Trump’s presidency:

Screen Shot 2017-12-09 at 1.07.10 PM.png

Let’s go through it line by line. Or at least pick out the highlights, because it’s almost 5,000 words long. Without further ado:  (more…)

THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

FOLs

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
I been
Waiting
For a
Decade
For my
Big break
And then Trump
Jepoardized my dreams through this asshole
I been
Thinking
‘Twas a
Mistake
Endorsing
His charade
Made him the only one that’s in control
I been
Feeling
All I’ve
Given
For my
Vision
Really thought I’d reached my goal
God, I’m
Reeling
Must make an
Admission
Lost my
Ambition
To put R’s
In charge from shore to shore
I been
Drinking
‘Cause I’m
Stricken
Pour out
My feelings
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor
The floor
Just died out on the floor
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor

(more…)