Ted Cruz announced today that he will vote for Donald Trump, despite refusing to endorse Trump at the RNC and after Trump had insulted his wife’s appearance and insinuated that his father helped Lee Harvey Oswald assassinate JFK. What’s behind this dramatic, humiliating about-face? Dr. #Content’s agents in the field bring us this report: 

It was the first day of fall, and Ted Cruz was enjoying the brisk air as he walked back home after a long day at the Senate. They’d been in session until almost 2:00 PM, hours that hadn’t been seen since Ted Cruz had shut down the government with his filibustering. Ted Cruz smiled at the memory. Ted Cruz was very proud of what he, Ted Cruz, had done that day: shutting down the government to halt the Obama administration’s overreach in its tracks. A little pep came into Ted Cruz’s step. Ted Cruz began humming one of his favorite tunes, the seminal “Let The Knife Do The Talking” by Hypocrisy. Ted Cruz smiled. Ah, that song brought back such good memories! Could this walk home get any better?

It turned out it could. Ted Cruz stopped in his tracks.

“‘A Discussion of Government Power in the Age of Constitutional Originalism’? And it’s in 15 minutes at American University? The most American university in the D.C. area? Sign me up!” said an excited Ted Cruz. “I can’t believe I hadn’t heard about this before now!”

Behind a tree, two men in frog masks snickered uncontrollably.

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