Ted Cruz’s Thanksgiving of Terror

INT: It is Thanksgiving Day in the Cruz Chalet. Ted Cruz, Heidi, their offspring, and their biological forebears are all seated around the traditional Thanksgiving heat-treated solid-protein arrangement. It is time to say grace. They hold hands.

HEIDI: Lord, we are truly thankful for this bounty. And we are thankful for another peaceful and happy year, and all the blessings You have bestowed upon us this y—

[Ted Cruz makes a pained whining sound and an expression of immense suffering washes over his face.]

HEIDI: Oh, goodness, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot—

TED CRUZ: It’s okay. It’s easy to forget. [His facial expression makes clear he will never forget.] Let’s eat.

ALL: Amen.

[They dig in.]

CAROLINE: Pass the protein slurry!

CATHERINE: I had dibs on it! You can have some of the reconstituted vegetable starch fluid!

CAROLINE: Daaaaaad! Catherine said—

TED CRUZ: Let your sister have some first! And don’t forget the magic word when you ask her for it!


TED CRUZ: The other one.

CAROLINE: But Daaad, “any powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, and to the people” is twenty-eight wor—

[There is a knock at the door. Heidi rises to answer it.]

PERSON AT DOOR: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but…

TED CRUZ: Who is it?

[Heidi slams the door shut and places her back to it, panting. She is white as a sheet.]

HEIDI: It’s the next door neighbors.

TED CRUZ: Oh, no. They’re the ones that—


TED CRUZ: Oh, God.

HEIDI: [Hissing] Democrats.

[Lighting strikes out of a clear blue sky.]

RAFAEL B. CRUZ: [Gazing at the heavens] Madre de Dios, nos ayude e protege.

TED CRUZ: Careful, honey! They’ll steal our horses!

CAROLINE: …We don’t have any horses.

TED CRUZ: [Eyes darting wildly] Doesn’t matter! They know.

HEIDI: [Hyperventilating] What do we do?! Teddy, what do we do?!

TED CRUZ: I’ll tell you what to do. Heidi, get the girls out of here. Take them through the back door. Keep going until you reach the river. Democrats can’t cross rivers.

CATHERINE: Isn’t that vamp—

TED CRUZ: Don’t question me! Just do it!

HEIDI: And what about you?

TED CRUZ: Dad and I will hold them off. [He nods at Rafael.] It’s what we were always meant to do.

[Ted Cruz and Rafael go to the door with immense trepidation. Ted Cruz reaches out slowly, cautiously, and turns the doorknob.]

NEIGHBOR: Hi! I’m really sorry to bother you right now, but we’re having a bit of a crisis—

[Consult the following video as a reference for what Ted Cruz’s shriek at this point should sound like.]

[Ted Cruz and Rafael run for the basement.]

NEIGHBOR: …was it something I said? Hello? [Enters house cautiously] Is something wrong here?

[Cut to Ted Cruz and Rafael hiding in a closet in the basement]

TED CRUZ: What… what does it want?

RAFAEL: I have no idea.

NEIGHBOR: [Muffled] Hello? Is everything all right?

TED CRUZ: It’s inside! I can hear it!

RAFAEL: Quiet! You’ll give away our position!

[Sound of creaking footsteps. Dust filters in from the ceiling.]

TED CRUZ: It’s getting closer!

RAFAEL: [Rising] Stay here, son. I’ll deal with it.

TED CRUZ: No! Dad! Don’t go!

RAFAEL: I must do what I must. Know that I’ve always been proud of you, son.

TED CRUZ: [Crying] No! No! Dad!

[Rafael heads upstairs, not looking back.]

RAFAEL: [Yelling, so we can hear him through the closet] Stop, fiend! I’ll have you—what? [There is silence.]


[He grabs a laundry basket as a weapon and runs upstairs, ready for battle.]

TED CRUZ: What did you do to my father, you—huh?

[He has stumbled upon Rafael leading the neighbor into the kitchen.]

NEIGHBOR: Oh, hi! Sorry for barging in on you—it’s just that our oven conked out, and we still need to bake the pumpkin pie, so I was wondering if we could possibly borrow your oven?

RAFAEL: Yeah, we had nothing to worry about! She’s a nice young lady.

[Ted Cruz slowly lowers his arms, which had been holding the laundry basket over his head]

TED CRUZ: Oh. But I thought you were De—

RAFAEL: [Hastily] Don’t worry about him. He’s just had a stressful day, is all.

NEIGHBOR: Happens to the best of us.

TED CRUZ: Um… yes. Feel free to use the oven. We’re done cooking. It might even still be warm.

NEIGHBOR: Thank you so much.

TED CRUZ: [With visible struggle, as the words are alien to him] You’re welcome. If you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of something in the backyard.

NEIGHBOR: Of course! Thanks again. Hey, wait, aren’t you Te—

[Ted Cruz bolts out of the house.]

TED CRUZ: [Running into the woods] Heidi! Heidi! Where are you?!

[Cut to one hour later. Ted Cruz, Heidi, and the girls have returned home after a harrowing escape through the woods. All are glad to hear there was nothing to worry about, though the girls roll their eyes at each other every time the parents talk about the “liberal threat”. All are chatting amicably with their guest as she prepares to bring the pie home.]

NEIGHBOR: Again, thank you so much! You saved our Thanksgiving.

HEIDI: Don’t mention it!

NEIGHBOR: And sorry again for barging in like that. It’s just, you know, I really wanted my wife’s parents to like it after they flew all the way in from New Yo—

[Multiple pained grimaces cross Ted Cruz’s face in quick succession, colliding with each other and producing a complex interference pattern.]

HEIDI: No, seriously, don’t mention it.

NEIGHBOR: All right. Well, thanks again!

[She leaves.]

HEIDI: [Laughing] Well, that was a fun Thanksgiving!

TED CRUZ: [Absolutely not laughing ever again] What were you thinking, letting her in here?

HEIDI: [Bemused] What’s wrong? She seemed a perfectly nice lady, even for a Democrat.

TED CRUZ: No! Worse than just a Democrat! You saw it, Dad. Like I did.


TED CRUZ: Parents from New York? Married to a woman? You know what this means?

HEIDI: [Dawning realization] Oh, God.

TED CRUZ: Yes. Not just liberalism.


TED CRUZ: New York values.

[Earth-shaking thunderclap.]

RAFAEL: Jesus Christ.

TED CRUZ: We’re just lucky she didn’t touch the girls.

HEIDI: Thank goodness we’re all safe.

TED CRUZ: Safe and sound.

HEIDI: Turns out we really have something to be thankful for after all!

TED CRUZ: Indeed.

[Music swells. The camera frames the family, looking out through the window together, smiling. Zoom out slowly. Snow begins to fall. (It’s Texas. The weather is weird.) Roll credits.]






[The family is still standing in the window, staring out optimistically into the dimming light that totally is just the evening and isn’t a metaphor for the impending political and cultural shifts that will rend a once-proud country to shreds, but which might provide opportunities for a shamelessly parasitic entity like Ted Cruz to enrich himself on the bloody scraps. Definitely not that.

Anyways, they’re all looking out there—except for Catherine. She’s looking into the window of the neighbors’ place, where a girl of about her age is looking back at her. The neighbors’ adoptive daughter? Perhaps. Zoom in on the neighbors’ window as the orchestra plays an ominous chord. Cut to black.]

Image: Wikimedia Commons (images) / Dr. #Content (horrible GIMP job)