Democrats

Winners And Losers From The March 15 Democratic Debate And The Coronavirus

WINNERS: 

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders: Both gave assured, confident performances that will convince their respective bases that they won without really changing the balance of the race very much

Joe Biden: Largely avoided being called out for his lies about never being willing to cut Social Security or his attempt to smear pro-Bernie groups like the Sunrise Movement as dark money super PACs, which definitely didn’t hurt

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Winners And Losers From The February 19 Democratic Debate And The Nevada Caucuses

WINNERS: 

Elizabeth Warren: With her standing in the polls dwindling, Warren seemed to throw the gloves off at the debate and go all-in as the Mad Max to Bernie’s Imperator Furiosa. The Berserker Armor to Bernie’s Guts. The Tim Gutterson to Bernie’s Raylan Givens. The Garrincha to Bernie’s Pelé. The Time Wizard to Bernie’s Baby Dragon. The Joe Biden to Bernie’s Barack Obama (?)

Bernie Sanders: Wow, it’s almost like the self-evident moral urgency of his message, combined with the obvious smarminess of the opponents who decry it as excessive or unambitious, makes such a good case for him that millions of Americans are rallying to him or something

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Winners and Losers From The First 2020 Democratic Debates

The road to 2020 began in earnest this week! Here’s who won and lost from the two-day first debate. 

WINNERS:

Marianne Williamson: Never in my lifetime did I think I’d see a walking embodiment of a trance music voiceover run for president

Elizabeth Warren: Really nice of NBC to give her the rest of the night off after her spectacular opening 30 minutes

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Winners and Losers from 2018

WINNERS:

The evil, necropolitical core of the American soul: Between locking up immigrant children in cages until they literally keel over dead; retaining close ties with Saudi Arabia, even as they murder journalists and kill thousands in Yemen, all for the sake of oil and weapons deals; and being more willing to deploy troops to the border in order to try and win an election than to deploy them to help American citizens in Puerto Rico recover from a devastating hurricane, it’s really been a banner year for the country’s deep-seated lust for lubricating the gears of empire with the blood of the downtrodden

Israel: Well, they won Eurovision, at least (more…)

How Has Ted Cruz So Thoroughly Misunderstood The Simpsons?

Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride, said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?

(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)

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Winners and Losers from the Net Neutrality Repeal and the Alabama Senate Election

WINNERS: 

The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*

*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”. 

Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot (more…)

Winners And Losers From Our Current Mess

 

WINNERS: 

The National Anthem: The third song off Radiohead’s Kid A remains a bizarre, fascinating classic

The 1800s: Roy Moore’s victory in the Republican primary for Alabama’s vacant Senate seat was a major coup for the embattled century (more…)