The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*
*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”.
Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot (more…)
Today, after much flailing about and increased frustration from the left, the Democratic Party finally unveiled a proper, coherent platform on which to run against the Republican majority in 2018. (more…)
Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history:
The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup
INT: It is Thanksgiving Day in the Cruz Chalet. Ted Cruz, Heidi, their offspring, and their biological forebears are all seated around the traditional Thanksgiving heat-treated solid-protein arrangement. It is time to say grace. They hold hands.
HEIDI: Lord, we are truly thankful for this bounty. And we are thankful for another peaceful and happy year, and all the blessings You have bestowed upon us this y—
[Ted Cruz makes a pained whining sound and an expression of immense suffering washes over his face.]
HEIDI: Oh, goodness, honey, I’m sorry, I forgot—
TED CRUZ: It’s okay. It’s easy to forget. [His facial expression makes clear he will never forget.] Let’s eat. (more…)