Our (sigh) next president, Donald J. Trump, is in the process of (fucking hell) assembling his Cabinet. What (ugh) do his choices say about his upcoming (argh) administration? Let’s (Christ) take a look, starting with his CONFIRMED CHOICES: 

Attorney General: Jeff Sessions

“Due to his blatant racism, Sessions’ 1986 nomination—by Ronald Reagan himself—to a district court didn’t even make it out of the Senate Judiciary Committee, which means there’s no way the Senate would confirm him as Attorney General 30 years later,” is a statement some overly optimistic fuckwit is probably making right about now

Secretary of Energy: Rick Perry

Hey, on the plus side, maybe he’ll forget that the Department of Energy exists again

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Ben Carson

How I imagine the conversation that led to this appointment played out:

Secretary of Commerce: Wilbur Ross

Not just a Wall Street insider, but until recently the head of Kappa Beta Phi, the secret society for high-powered financial executives, Ross’ appointment is a postmodern masterpiece, demonstrating the inherent meaninglessness, and thus the total malleability, of the words “drain”, “swamp”, and even “the”

Ambassador to the United Nations: Nikki Haley

One of the more decent appointees by the standards of the administration, and one of only a handful of women and/or people of color in the next Cabinet, she has naturally been put in a position that regularly keeps her hundreds of miles from the White House

Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Linda McMahon

This is the wife of the guy whose head Donald Trump shaved at a Wrestlemania event in 2007, which is poetic enough on its own that I don’t need to add anything here

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Tom Price

Pretty awful, but in the boring “has abominable policy ideas for his position” kind of way rather than the exciting “being put in charge of a department he never knew was even a part of the government’s responsibilities, and also he has publicly admitted to being on Vladimir Putin’s payroll” kind of way

Head of the Environmental Protection Agency: Scott Pruitt

A hideous, destructive choice whose name is uncannily close to that of sports car racing legend Scott Pruett, who deserves better than to be dragged into this

Secretary of Transportation: Elaine Chao

The Deputy Secretary of Transportation in George H.W. Bush’s cabinet, as well as Secretary of Labor for George W. Bush, Chao’s general level of experience and preparedness for her role is a worrying departure from the rest of Trump’s cabinet, fueling suggestions that she’s just there because she’s married to Mitch McConnell

Secretary of Homeland Security: Gen. John F. Kelly

I turned to Breitbart to see which horrifying beliefs of his they’d glowingly espouse, but other than being open to “bombing the living shit out of ISIS” and opposed to having women in combat roles, they couldn’t find much of anything, so it may be that he’ll only be bad at a Bush Administration level

Secretary of Defense: Gen. James Mattis

Seems an actually fairly okay choice; he reads a lot, apparently, which by itself is a refreshing departure from Trump

But look at this quote he reportedly said while serving in IraqNow look at the “Meet the Sniper” promotional video for Team Fortress 2, created shortly thereafter

I’m not really going anywhere with this

just thought it was interesting

Secretary of the Treasury: Steven Mnuchin

A former CIO of Goldman Sachs, Mnuchin’s appointment makes a mockery of Trump’s “drain the swamp” campaign talk—but on the plus side, he’s a Jew who’s spent his whole life working with money, so hopefully he’ll take part in some photo-ops featuring Steve Bannon trying unsuccessfully to smile through a tightly clenched jaw

Secretary of the Interior: Ryan Zinke

When I wrote this entry, Wikipedia still had Cathy M. Rodgers listed as Trump’s pick for this position, so the fact that Zinke has been appointed instead is a welcome victory for white men, who would have otherwise had to deal with only constituting the vast majority of the new administration instead of the overwhelming majority

Secretary of Education: Betsy DeVos

By now, you’ve heard all about how much damage her beliefs could inflict upon public education in this country, but on the plus side, her brother, Erik Prince, no longer runs the controversial private military company Blackwater, so hopefully the Secretary of Education, at least, won’t have any foreign-policy conflicts of interest and I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M WRITING THAT. ARE YOU FUCKING BELIEVING THAT THIS CABINET IS ONE WHERE “THE SECRETARY OF EDUCATION’S CONFLICTS OF INTEREST ON FOREIGN POLICY MATTERS SHOULDN’T BE A CONCERN” CAN BE SPUN AS A GOOD THING

UPDATE: GOD DAMMIT

Secretary of Labor: Andy Puzder

The joke about how the Secretary of Labor is a fast-food executive who collected multimillion-dollar paychecks while his employees worked at barely above minimum wage is played out by now, so I won’t even make it

Secretary of State: Рекс Тиллерсон

Рекс is very good man, да? Is lifelong servant of imperialist warmongering United States of America! Has good qualification as head of major oil company! Knows how to work deals to mutual benefit of capitalist pigs and glorious мать Россия! But you are not convinced, friend. Come to дача, we talk, drink водка, eat Пирожки, you will agree he is best candidate for Secretary of State!

 

And now, a look at the RUMORED CHOICES for the remaining open spots: 

United States Trade Representative: Donald J. Trump Himself

For such a key and sensitive area as trade, a topic that was central to Trump’s campaign and a major part of his appeal, there’s simply no way the President-Elect can hand off such an important task to someone less capable at making deals than himself

Director of the Office of Management and Budget: Hopefully not Donald Trump’s accountant, but I mean, probably

Would surprise literally no one, except maybe, like, Joe Walsh

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Some chickenhawk draft-dodger, just to fuck with y’all

Yeah, this is a pretty safe bet

Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers: Nobody

What do you think Trump is, some kind of girl? REAL MEN don’t need advisors. They lead with their GUT

Secretary of Agriculture: A talking serpent

His origins are shrouded in mystery, and he has refused to disclose his true name, but Trump has assured us that, after meeting this twelve-foot-long reptile in a walled garden, he can guarantee that the creature is “is really well informed” and knows how to supply American farmers with “really great apples, I mean, the best you’ve ever tasted”

 

Image: Alper Çuğun/Flickr Commons/Michael Vadon/Wikimedia Commons/Dr. #Content