Donald Trump became our president today. Incredibly, this is a situation that has produced a few winners. Here they are. 

WINNERS: 

Barack Obama: Had a helicopter waiting to escort him away from the Trump presidency

Mike Pence: Smiled noticeably more than Trump did during the ceremonies, which cannot be anything but a terrifying sign

The National Mall: Today’s thin crowds meant this well-worn stretch of grass enjoyed a rare reprieve

The Trump supporters who can still enjoy months of delight before the inevitable sense of betrayal begins to set in: Hey, technically they count, and you take what you can get right now

NASA, maybe?: Hey, Trump’s address had a line about “unlock[ing] the mysteries of space”, which is as much of a bone as has been publicly thrown to America’s space program in some time

Till Lindemann: After his song “Amerika” perfectly captured the 2016 zeitgest, the German singer is poised to do an unprecedented double, with “Moskau” and “Golden Shower” emerging as early candidates for the most fitting song of 2017

LOSERS: 

Anyone who clicked on the link to “Golden Shower”: Christ, that song sucks, which, again, is fitting for the current zeitgeist

Livers everywhere: On the plus side, it’s sure to be a boom year for the proud distillers and alcoholic-beverage makers of our great nation

Hillary Clinton: Had to sit through the whole inauguration at her former-president-so-he’s-got-to-be-there husband’s side, in a depressing use of the stoicism in the face of repeated obstacles and hardships that has defined much of her adult and professional life

America: To be fair, it’s hard to deny that we’ve had it coming for a while

Donald Trump’s enemies: Will definitely shut up and never be mean or obstructive to him again now that he’s president

3 Doors Down: This once multi-platinum-selling band has been reduced to playing sparsely-attended political gigs

God, our Lord in Heaven, the Most High, etc.: The lack of any sort of divine intervention, even in the face of Trump’s invocation of Him today, could be the final nail in the coffin for the troubled, increasingly ineffectual supreme deity

Those hoping for the slight consolation of a newly-competitive title race in the German Bundesliga: As I wrote this, Robert Lewandowski fired home a 91st-minute winner for Bayern Munich against Freiburg, ensuring that the three-time champions reach the halfway point of the season with a comfortable lead

Absolutely fucking everyone: yeah