Mike Pence

Ted Cruz Goes To His 25th Reunion

DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR

Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:

– “Why did I come back?”

– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”

– “I am hot.” (more…)

How Your Favorite Politicians Spent Memorial Day Weekend

Donald Trump: Glancing at the people around him, seeing they were bowing their heads in remembrance, and quickly doing the same

Paul Ryan: As always, mourning the billions of dollars our government has tragically taken from wealthy Americans

Mike Pence: Attending the Indianapolis 500 in his home state, his presence blessing the American drivers with the speed and motivation to finish as high as 7th place  (more…)

Trump Is An Idiot, But Nobody Wants Him Out…Yet

Yesterday, the Washington Post revealed that, apparently as a way to brag, President Trump let slip some highly classified information to Russia’s Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, and Ambassador, Sergei Kislyak. In an added bonus, the New York Times reported today that the information originally came from Israel. (more…)

Winners and Losers From The Past Week Or So

Lotta stuff done happened this week, folks. Heckuva lot. 

WINNERS: 

Mitch McConnell: Continues to have an outsize impact on the political direction of the world’s largest economy, an inspiration for sentient masses of pond slime wearing loose-fitting human skin as a disguise everywhere (more…)

Winners and Losers from the 2016 Presidential Election

In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true. 

WINNERS:

Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Second Presidential Debate

Last night there was another presidential debate. This made a lot of people very angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. Still, some of the participants came off better than others:

WINNERS: 

Hillary Clinton: I mean, what could she have done that would have made her lose the debate after the last few days Trump has had? Some possibilities:

  • Ripped off her mask and revealed that she was in fact ISIS commander Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
  • Invited Bill to the stage to join her in sacrificing one of the Trump children to Satan (though she might have been OK if it was Tiffany)
  • Smiled less or not done her hair quite so immaculately

(more…)