Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)
DAY ONE: FRESHMAN YEAR
Ted Cruz, sweating, stood at the threshold of the registration tent, already unconsciously fidgeting with the wristband that had just been strapped around his arm. Early June sunlight flooded down, making Ted Cruz squint, but only in his left eye: his right was conveniently in the shade of the aforementioned tent, as well as a nearby tree. Indeed, the majority of Ted Cruz’s face was shrouded in darkness—at least, if you looked at Ted Cruz from a third-person perspective, which Ted Cruz could not. Ted Cruz was unaware of how the shadows wreathed his face, of the symbolism of the image. The only thoughts in Ted Cruz’s mind were thus:
– “Why did I come back?”
– “I wonder if wearing a suit to this was a bad idea.”
– “I am hot.” (more…)
Donald Trump: Glancing at the people around him, seeing they were bowing their heads in remembrance, and quickly doing the same
Paul Ryan: As always, mourning the billions of dollars our government has tragically taken from wealthy Americans
Yesterday, the Washington Post revealed that, apparently as a way to brag, President Trump let slip some highly classified information to Russia’s Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, and Ambassador, Sergei Kislyak. In an added bonus, the New York Times reported today that the information originally came from Israel. (more…)
Lotta stuff done happened this week, folks. Heckuva lot.
Mitch McConnell: Continues to have an outsize impact on the political direction of the world’s largest economy, an inspiration for sentient masses of pond slime wearing loose-fitting human skin as a disguise everywhere (more…)
Donald Trump became our president today. Incredibly, this is a situation that has produced a few winners. Here they are.
Barack Obama: Had a helicopter waiting to escort him away from the Trump presidency (more…)
In times like these, it’s hard to know what can make anything better or easier. But as the old saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”, and given that this is a humor site, finding some comedy in this whole sordid mess seems like a good place to start. Not to mention that it’ll be good practice for when the Trump administration has its way with American healthcare and the old saying becomes literally true.
Taking a deep breath, staring blankly into the middle distance, and muttering “Fuuuuuck”: Became America’s new favorite pastime overnight (more…)