Winners and Losers From The Past Week Or So

Lotta stuff done happened this week, folks. Heckuva lot. 

WINNERS: 

Mitch McConnell: Continues to have an outsize impact on the political direction of the world’s largest economy, an inspiration for sentient masses of pond slime wearing loose-fitting human skin as a disguise everywhere

Donald Trump: Look, if you’re expecting anything other than for Donald Trump to somehow get through this in a stronger position than he was before, you’re a bigger chump than I am

Henry Kissinger:  Still relevant, which says more about America than I think any of us would like to admit

France: Rejected the racist fascist with a level of comfort, ease and inevitability that almost lets you forget that the racist fascist still won over a third of the vote

The FBI: Had its director fired for unjust reasons, totally redeeming the time it swung an election in favor of an authoritarian moron; not to mention that time it tried to persuade Martin Luther King, Jr. to kill himself—oh! and that time it spent decades spying on homosexuals on the grounds that they posed a risk to national security, all under the guidance of a man who was, by many accounts, himself deeply in the closet; and also those years it spent infiltrating and disrupting leftist organizations, primarily those centered around people of color, that it claimed wanted to “destroy American society”; plus that time more recently when it gained extra powers thanks to the PATRIOT Act and promptly abused said powers

Vice President Mike Pence: Had a lovely afternoon riding a horse, summarized by this tweet that definitely had absolutely no subtext or ulterior meaning

The George W. Bush administration: Looks positively aboveboard in comparison, huh

Russia: yeah

LOSERS: 

Dr. #Content: Dang it, McSweeney’s beat me to this

Richard Nixon: Must be spinning in his grave about all these comparisons to Donald Trump, seeing as Nixon actually knew what he was doing when he threw the country under the bus

The good and myriad people of the United States of America: May soon face the crippling blow of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson shattering his mystique of being the most wholesome man in America by deciding to run for President

The New York Times Editorial Board: Seems to be taking the “if you can’t beat them, join them” approach to #resistance

Sean Spicer: Hid in the bushes to avoid the press in the wake of the Comey firing, which was definitely a totally normal thing and not a sign that our universe is beginning to intersect with the Raunchy College Comedy Flick Dimension

American journalism: Dammit, the late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson would have had a field day with this administration

The American left: On top of all the stuff going on right now, have to deal with the Democratic Party inevitably translating this extraordinary groundswell of progressive energy and popular revolt into a precarious three-seat House majority in the 2018 midterm elections

Enjoying the things you normally enjoy to distract yourself from everything going on right now without a dark cloud coming over those things you enjoy: Get well soon, Aric

Image credit: Ziemor  / Eva Rinaldi / Nick Stenning (all Wikimedia Commons) / Nixon and McConnell images in public domain / Dr. #Content (horrible GIMP job)

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