Mitch McConnell

Who The Hell Is Don Blankenship?

Don Blankenship is one of the Republican candidates hoping to unseat West Virginia’s Democratic Senator Joe Manchin this fall. Yesterday, he released the following campaign ad, which cements him, even in the age of hideous Republicans like Roy Moore and Arthur Jones, as an all-time awful candidate:

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Priebus Lost: Book 3
ON May Thirteenth, when nine times cable News
Its twenty-four hour Cycle had expir’d,
The mainstream G.O.P.—in anguish lain
Confounded on a D.C. office Floor
E’er since the hideous news of May the Fourth,
When Kasich, slim hope of th’Establishment
To through Convention contested best Trump
And seize the Nomination, fin’ly ceas’d
And gave the nod to the cruel Businessman
In all but name—at last regain’d their feet,
And their debacle explanation sought,
Or if none were found, Scapegoats; for their fate,
Which bade of naught but wrath, of Super PACs
Defrauded, centrist Voters shunned, and bile
Upon them by their own Candidate pour’d,
Shon clearly. Now each shot a baleful look
At his despondent Peers, and no blame assum’d,
E’en as disaster by their lax hands transpir’d
To all sides lay. Alone each man observ’d
The dismal Situation: all around
The office red and blue was lit; yet light
Serv’d only to discover sights of woe,
Of Benefactors horrifi’d, and Polls
Of public loathing scatter’d round; how bleak
The Odds, which ‘gainst the Democrats had once,
With field of youth precocious, gov’nors strong,
And maverick hopefuls certain seem’d. Alone
Gaz’d each in horror, to inaction chill’d
By monstrous Error shar’d. Titanic grew
The chilling Quiet, by guilty Conscience birth’d
And plural Shame fast multipli’d immense;
When from that desolation huge arose
The Party Chairman, highest exponent
Of G.O.P. and Right, guide principl’d
Of all Conservatism, who tow’ring stood
In three-grand Suit of atramentous weave
As smooth and black as Night itself, but for
The Flag Pin small on his Lapel, and soon
Discern’d before him a man next himself
In stature in the Party, Commandant
Of their Majority in the Senate,
Long known in Washington, first dissident
Against Obama, Mitch McConnell nam’d.
To whom the Chairman of the G.O.P.,
Known far and wide as Priebus, with bold words
Breaking the horrid silence, thus began.

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THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

Winners And Losers From Our Current Mess

 

WINNERS: 

The National Anthem: The third song off Radiohead’s Kid A remains a bizarre, fascinating classic

The 1800s: Roy Moore’s victory in the Republican primary for Alabama’s vacant Senate seat was a major coup for the embattled century (more…)

FOLs
[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
I been
Waiting
For a
Decade
For my
Big break
And then Trump
Jepoardized my dreams through this asshole
I been
Thinking
‘Twas a
Mistake
Endorsing
His charade
Made him the only one that’s in control
I been
Feeling
All I’ve
Given
For my
Vision
Really thought I’d reached my goal
God, I’m
Reeling
Must make an
Admission
Lost my
Ambition
To put R’s
In charge from shore to shore
I been
Drinking
‘Cause I’m
Stricken
Pour out
My feelings
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor
The floor
Just died out on the floor
‘Cause our bill
Just died out on the floor

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