Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary literally, like, a couple hours ago. Who wins and who loses from this turn of events? Let’s find out. 

WINNERS: 

Sean Spicer: I mean, duh

Donald Trump: The appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director reinforced that he is a Big, Independent President Man totally above the objections and whims of his underlings, with the exception of course of his son-in-law

Jared Kushner: Better him having the president’s ear than Steve Bannon, I guess

Anthony Scaramucci: The new communications director is known to his friends as “The Mooch”, a term whose origins are comfortingly described “an apparent reference to his last name”, a sure sign that he’s an upstanding guy who’ll do great things in the White House and for Americans everywhere

Forced puns: Happily for this increasingly popular subgenre of humor, the fall from relevance of “Sean Spicy” will open the door for attempts to make the “Scaramucci”-“Scaramouche” connection relevant—you know, from “Bohemian Rhapsody”? That bit where they’re like “Scaramouche, Scaramouche”? Yeah, that one! Hilarious, right? Heh, told ya so

LOSERS:

Dippin’ Dots: Spicer’s resignation means he’s free to resume his years-long vendetta against the popular ice cream brand

Reince Priebus: Apparently he and Steve Bannon opposed Scaramucci’s appointment, and frankly, I have decided to place my own health and well-being ahead of trying to understand the reasons why

Donald Trump, Jr.:  Has a whole week ahead of him of fruitlessly arguing that, no, Dad, I can’t resign from being your son, that’s not a thing that people do

Steve Bannon: You’ll understand if I’m not too broken up about him slowly being pushed into irrelevancy

Chris Cillizza: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER I GOT OUT MY WINNERS AND LOSERS COLUMN BEFORE YOU DID SUCK ITTTTTTTTTTT

 

Image: Screenshot from one of SNL‘s Sean Spicer skits