Jared Kushner

Priebus Lost: Book 8

THE Eighth at length arriv’d, the Nation worn
And weary flock’d at last to Polling-place
And Voting-booth, their Ballots fin’ly cast,
And home retir’d, expecting in the morn
The long-awaited loss, relief at least
From the protracted Saga they’d endur’d,
Though Clintonite win could not pacify
Their long-held apoplexy, which four years
From now would surely surface fresh,
And some more palatable Candidate
Than Trump had prov’d perhaps support,
And make of th’Incumbent far easier work:
Yet to the shock of all Americans
Save those deluded, or so presuppos’d
By any who the word of Gallup took
As gospel still, that gelid Tuesday night
Saw not th’expected loss for Trump and co.
Transpire, but devastation saw by twist
And error stopped: for th’F.B.I.’s renege
Of their investigation of Hillary,
Though broadcast publicly, arriv’d two eves
Before the crucial Day, while since th’O.G.
Announcement nine had pass’d, and each of those
The News, both print and not, e’en CNN,
Had spent hysterical with postulates,
Hypotheses of huge significance
And shattering effect upon the Race
By th’otherwise unint’resting events
Available for cov’rage magnfi’d,
Which th’undecided Voters, numb’ring still
Surprising legion e’en with everything,
At this late hour, that in two days could not
The Bureau’s countermand reverse in full:
Thus fin’ly did the Clintonite Regime,
Bad Engine of apocalyptic bent,
Its slender lead saw by th’Electors turn’d
Into unprecedented fall, the will
Of Working-Class Americans supreme
To any machination, and th’Elite
At last rebuff’d, at least the lib’ral kind,
Foul Variant allow’d too long in charge:
Not only White House reattain’d, but far
And wide across the ballot fear’d rebukes
To Trump avoided; thus the G.O.P.
Both House and Senate held: the Branches three
Of Pow’r elected, as they not in years
Had managed, under th’Elephantine Sign
Consolidated; and th’undoing, which seem’d
Mere days ago the stuff of reveries,
Denying wish of those who four years more
Of Status Quo could not accept, of th’Age
Of ruin th’incompetent and treacherous
Obama, loath’d Apostate, had conceiv’d,
From desp’rate wish to imminent had leapt
In mere hours’ passage, leaving all the Right
United in their haste to drown in praise
And reify the wisdom absolute
Of Priebus, Chair prophetic, whose support
Of Trump unwavering had broad victory
To all the Grand Old Party’s ranks conferr’d.

(more…)

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THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

Winners and Losers from Steve Bannon’s Ouster

WINNERS: 

Game of Thrones: Was referenced by people close to Bannon today, which just might provide this little-known fantasy series with the popularity boost its fans have long felt it deserves

ClickHole: Can now be officially recognized for publishing the seminal account of the Bannon era

Democrats: Now that the administration’s sole remaining bastion of conservative thought is gone, have regained control of the White House (more…)

Winners and Losers from Sean Spicer’s Resignation

 

Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary literally, like, a couple hours ago. Who wins and who loses from this turn of events? Let’s find out. 

WINNERS: 

Sean Spicer: I mean, duh

Donald Trump: The appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director reinforced that he is a Big, Independent President Man totally above the objections and whims of his underlings, with the exception of course of his son-in-law (more…)

Real Creds

[Verse 1: Donald Trump]
Real creds, who the fuck needs them?
Who the fuck needs them, who the fuck readin’? Real creds
It’s not what we bring in, just sinking our feet in
But who the fuck carin’? Not our fans
Told ‘em I didn’t, they weren’t bothered
You cannot blame me for bein’ so honest
I don’t know the issues, I’m just doin’ my thing
You’d be doin’ your thing too
I’m no deadbeat father, gave my family appointments
Fuck the swamp up by givin’ Jared employment
Donald Junior, made the email point man
Ivanka in charge, she ain’t disappointing
Who needs real creds? You know I was elected
They’re always blamin’ me, but they know they finished second
Damn I don’t know how bills pass, shit I thought I would learn quick 
Why you wait so long to tell me just when I’m worn thin? 
When was the last time I spent so much time workin’?
When was the last time I wasn’t feelin’ homesick?

(more…)

Fake

[Intro: Kellyanne Conway]
The news is fake-ake-ake-ake
The news is fake-ake-ake-ake
The news is fake-ake-ake-ake
I know it’s fake-ake-ake-ake
[Hook: Jay Dollar Ku$h + Kellyanne Conway]
The mainstream media wants (I know it’s fake-ake-ake-ake)
Us not to think too much (I know it’s fake-ake-ake-ake)
But we’ve all stopped watchin’ (I know it’s fake-ake-ake-ake)
Yeah, it’s fake all day

Breaking Down Today’s Story About How Steve Bannon Called Jared Kushner A Cuck

It’s not been the best day for news, what with the G.O.P. invoking the “nuclear option” to do away with filibusters for Supreme Court nominees. But amongst all the doom and gloom, The Daily Beast published an absolutely delightful article that is chock-full of juicy, juicy gossip:  (more…)