Winners and Losers from the November 2019 Democratic Debate

You know, the one on Wednesday, November 20, 2019 on NBC?

WINNERS: 

Pete Buttigieg: Put in a stellar performance that made him the night’s clear winner, which is great, because he’s young and handsome and eloquent and absolutely not duplicitous or lacking in genuine convictions or willing to sell out his policy platform to the highest bidder or anything like that

Amy Klobuchar: Her line about having raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends was one of the all-time great debate jokes, and happily, it saves me the trouble of having to come up with a joke for this entry myself

Kamala Harris: Continues to benefit from everyone trying to make “Kamala Harris, Democratic nominee” happen, even though at every debate she seems totally uninterested in doing it herself

Bernie Sanders: Can’t really think of a standout moment, but, whatever. He’s good, he deserves it

Cory Booker: With another great display, particularly a touching closing statement and a truly savage takedown of Joe Biden, Booker cemented his place as America’s Clear Third Or Fourth Choice Candidate

Tom Steyer: Paid me $131,835 to be included in the “Winners” column

Julián Castro: Didn’t qualify for this debate, but can take legitimate pride in having drawn America’s attention to China’s ethnic cleansing of Uyghurs

LOSERS: 

Elizabeth Warren: Had another really solid night, which could see her slashing into Joe Biden’s lead in the polls by as much as zero percent

The crowd: You know you don’t have to laugh at every single thing the candidates try and pass off as a joke, right? God, have some self-respect, y’all

Tulsi Gabbard: Look, it’s not the best debate to make this joke, seeing as she had a spicy exchange with Pete Buttigieg, but, ugh, I’m tired and I want to hit “Publish” on this so…

…more like Tulsi Gab-bored, amirite?

The moderators: Had a pretty solid night, even asking questions about climate change, until they, a quartet of all women, asked Joe Biden about #MeToo and somehow forgot to mention his mistreatment of Anita Hill or his history of unsettling behavior around women

Andrew Yang: Once again got less speaking time than just about anybody else, definitely an indicator of a mainstream media conspiracy to suppress him and his message rather than, say, his stagnant polling due to what should be a winning message not landing because he’s, you know, not particularly good onstage or anything

Joe Biden: Had a reasonable night, right up until Cory Booker performed all ten items on this list at once, on him

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