WINNERS: 

Tom Steyer: Is uncomfortably good at this for a guy who bought his way onto the stage*

Joe Biden: Look, let’s just save ourselves a bunch of anguish later and admit that he’s not quite bad enough at this to lose the nomination

Amy Klobuchar: She’s honestly one of the funniest people to ever run for president, even if her platform is worthless and the only reason she’s made it this far is because the pundits keep saying she did well in a transparent attempt to prop her up

Cory Booker: Enjoyed a nice chill night for once

Tulsi Gabbard: Missing out on this debate and voting “present” on the question of impeaching Trump is actually a good thing for Gabbard, the Galaxy Brain Candidate

This debate, as an entity holding any political significance: Had a segment about climate change within the first half-hour, meaning it doesn’t really count

LOSERS:

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe there’s hope for everyone else: tonight, he was so eloquent that he came across as a boring smartass nerd

Bernie Sanders: I didn’t actually watch the debate, only read the recaps afterward, and I’m shocked that Sanders didn’t even appear onstage

Elizabeth Warren: Oh no. Her last answer suggested she may be hard of hearing. No way the American people will see fit to elect her now

Andrew Yang: Gave one fantastic answer on how the lack of diversity among the remaining Democratic candidates is a product of the racial wealth gap, which is a really good sign! Maybe if he produces a couple hundred more of those, he’ll stop looking like the kid who ran for class president in eighth grade but clearly didn’t practice his speech beforehand

Kamala Harris: Missed this debate because she dropped out of the race a few weeks back, in a firm rebuke of her “meander aimlessly with no core ideology or the slightest glimmer of understanding of her own strengths as a candidate” strategy

 

*Editor’s note: Mr. Steyer paid me $301,550 for this opinion.