WINNERS: 

Bernie Sanders: Not only did Sanders win the popular vote in Iowa, the complete failure of the Democratic Party’s caucus app and the transparency of their attempts to relitigate the results to keep him from winning will only reinforce the self-defeating crookedness of the existing party system and his opposition to it, which will only help his image. Wait, there was supposed to be a joke here somewhere

Bill Weld: With a stunning 1.3% of the vote in the Republican caucuses, showed that his primary challenge to Donald Trump won’t be dismissed that easily

Tom Steyer: For a billionaire who bought his way onto the stage, continues to be weirdly correct about a lot of things

Amy Klobuchar: Credit where it’s due, she’s one of the funniest politicians I’ve ever seen, and most of her comedy is actually intentional

Michael Bloomberg: As long as he can keep running ads without ever actually stepping onstage or receiving the scrutiny given to a frontrunner, which would instantly destroy him, he will continue being a Winner

LOSERS: 

Joe Biden: As if a dismal showing in Iowa wasn’t enough, in the debate Tom Steyer tied him to a railroad track and left him there as the whistle of an oncoming train grew louder and louder. He led him into an abandoned mine and then collapsed the way out with dynamite. He dragged him high into the mountains and left him naked in the snow without so much as a knife

Andrew Yang: If projecting insane giving-a-speech-in-front-of-my-eighth-grade-civics-class-without-thinking-to-prepare-for-it energy didn’t get me a good grade in my eighth grade civics class, I’m not sure why Yang seems to think it’ll get him the Democratic nomination

Pete Buttigieg: For a guy who significantly outperformed early polling in Iowa and was treated as the presumptive frontrunner in Friday’s debate, this week went about as badly as it could have gone

Left Twitter: I Googled “Pete Buttigieg rat” in hopes of getting a cheap and easy Photoshop of the candidate and a rodent for the header image, and I didn’t find a single one

Elizabeth Warren: …so I’m starting to realize I wasn’t actually paying that close attention to the debate

Thomas Pynchon: A man named Dick Harpootlian was a key plot point in the debate, definitively unmasking the reclusive postmodernist as the writer of this season of our reality

Us: Christ, there are two more Democratic Debates in the next 15 days

WAIT, A LAST-MINUTE WINNER: 

Joe Biden’s campaign: After a dismal week for Biden, his campaign was at least able to damage someone else in the way Biden constantly has been, with this ad that shoots Pete Buttigieg 137 times at a toll plaza, that plants a severed horse’s head in his bed, that plunges a knife into his hand and then chokes him to death with a garotte

Image: Phil Roeder