WINNERS: 

Joe Biden: You’d think one of his political rivals would have used these debates to call his political record or past statements into question, or point out any one of the myriad swords of Damocles which hang over his head and would surely damage his chances in a general election, but I guess that slipped their minds

Amy Klobuchar: Proved that she has the crucial ability to make connections, as evidenced by her close friendship with Kansas governor Uh… Kelly

Elizabeth Warren: It has happened. Elizabeth Warren made a more compelling argument for her healthcare plan than Bernie Sanders made for his. And all it took was her caving in the face of vacuous arguments about “HoW mUcH wIlL iT cOsT” and backing away from Medicare For All

Cory Booker: Free from the rigors of the campaign trail, Booker can finally spend more time back home in North Jersey. Wait, which column is this again. Are we talking Winners or Losers

LOSERS: 

Bernie Sanders: A solid performance onstage is unlikely to halt his decline in Iowa, where his poll numbers have fallen by a precipitous negative three percentage points in the past month

Pete Buttigieg: Really angling for the “I have sublimated all my personality and inner desires for the sake of evincing a worldview I strictly but unfeelingly adhere to for fear of running afoul of traditional strictures dictating how the world works and my role within it” vote that is so very prevalent in the Midwest

Andrew Yang: Frankly, I think the header image I’ve chosen for this piece works better than any gag I could write here about his not qualifying for this debate

Tom Steyer: Whoops, sorry, buddy. My fee for getting on the Winners list just rose to $750,000. Just a year-over-year thing, you know. It kicked in January 1. Real sorry

Bourbon and Saint-Germain: A combination to avoid, I found out, though of some utility in heightening the unpleasantness of spending an evening watching the debate