Winners and Losers from the March 10 GOP Debate

WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:

Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle

Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever

The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

Thomas Pynchon: With hugely acclaimed masterpieces like Gravity’s Rainbow and The Crying of Lot 49 under his belt, Thomas Pynchon is ALWAYS a winner

LOSERS:

Journalistic neutrality: Despite what CNN would have you believe, adhering to this principle doesn’t mean you have to conduct debates with all the aggression and fact-checking of a piece of wet toilet paper

Donald Trump: Calling him “Drumpf”, a name his family hadn’t used for several centuries before his birth, on social media for a week sure showed him! Let’s see him try and win the nomination now

Chelsea Football Club: Okay, technically this happened Wednesday, but nothing says “I have given up” like taking off Eden Hazard for Oscar when you’re three goals down in your biggest game of the season

Marco Rubio and John Kasich: Remain unwilling to pull out of the primary race, apparently under the impression that because the Olympics are happening this year they’ll get a medal or something for coming in third

Emotional maturity: hehe “pull out” heheh *snort*

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