John Kasich

THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

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One More G.O.P. Debate

Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich

[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far

[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)

[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 10 GOP Debate

WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:

Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle

Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever

The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 3 GOP Debacl—Er, Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: I found myself rooting for him! That’s right—when the collective American political consciousness is visibly and rapidly decomposing into a gray, furiously racist sentient sludge, up becomes down, ignorance becomes strength, and the impossible becomes the commonplace (more…)

Winners from the February 13 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Denny Hamlin: Won the Sprint Unlimited, run at the same time as the debate, and got his 2016 campaign off to the sort of start Marco Rubio has come to envy desperately

Ben Carson: Aww, he’s so cute when he’s trying to maintain a veneer of calm as he struggles desperately to elucidate any of his specific policy proposals

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz: The lieutenants of Satan continue their inexorable march across the mortal realm, and no earthly force can offer them pause

(more…)

Winners and Losers from the February 6 GOP Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: Said “I’m sorry” in public without choking on the words, vomiting up a swarm of centipedes, aging 300 years in 20 seconds, and finally disintegrating into a pile of eldritch ash

Chris Christie: Shut Down Marco Rubio in One Perfect Debate Answer

Jeb Bush: At last, at long last, it’s almost all over for him

(more…)

Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

(more…)