
John Kasich


THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last
Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

One More G.O.P. Debate
Ted Cruz feat. John Kasich
[Intro: Jeb “I Once Used To Be A Contender In This Race” Bush]
La di da da-a, da-a (fell out of favor)
La da da da di da da-a, la-a
Let me tell you, I came here
From a very far away state
All for a chance to be a star
But they didn’t let me get too far
[Hook: Ted Cruz]
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more G.O.P. debate
Please, baby, one more G.O.P. debate, uh
One more (Reince Priebus)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
Please (more Wolf Blitzer, yeah more Wolf Bliiiiitzer)
[Verse 1 intro: Ted Cruz]
Hey D.J. you ain’t got no great hands
And the stage still orange from your spray tan (more…)

Winners and Losers from the March 10 GOP Debate
WINNERS…NO. NO. I’M DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS OH WHAT THE HELL IT GETS ME CLICKS:
Psychopaths: In abandoning last debate’s mudslinging in favor of last night’s display of relative levelheadedness and charm, the candidates showed that they’re in tune with this niche demographic and want to make them a fundamental part of this election cycle
Rammstein: Each passing day in this race makes their song “Amerika” more relevant than ever
The environment: Spoken of in favorable terms by more than one candidate last night, a rare victory for this collection of natural systems that allows us to survive and prosper and provides us with endless opportunity for enjoyment and inspiration

Winners and Losers from the March 3 GOP Debacl—Er, Debate
WINNERS:
Ted Cruz: I found myself rooting for him! That’s right—when the collective American political consciousness is visibly and rapidly decomposing into a gray, furiously racist sentient sludge, up becomes down, ignorance becomes strength, and the impossible becomes the commonplace (more…)