Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here. 

WINNERS:

Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020

Lord Buckethead: In a complete surprise, a goofy, bizarre joke candidate gained widespread attention and public adulation

Renowned British grime artist JME: And me as well, because I somehow have an excuse to mention him for entirely political reasons

Hillary Clinton and the Democrats: Compared to what Theresa May and the Tories just put up, their 2016 campaign now looks positively brilliant

The American people: Seeing as Ted Cruz was fairly quiet through this round of Comey hearings

Actually campaigning in person: There’s a reason why political candidates tend to do this, Mrs. May

Jeremy Corbyn: Scored an extraordinary political victory and doesn’t have to deal directly with Donald Trump

James Comey: Now we love him again

 

PYRRHIC WINNERS:

Theresa May: Well, I don’t think I need to explain this one

 

LOSERS: 

John McCain: The legendary maverick once again stood up to power during the Comey testimony, bravely breaching the subject of Hillary’s emails

The Daily Mail and Sun: Few things are more satisfying than putting these two hack papers in the Losers column, I’ll tell you that

Having confidence in polls: See, you’d think the Tories would have learned from the Brexit and Trump debacles, but noooooooooope

Calling an unnecessary vote because you think it’ll shore up your political mandate: To be fair, it worked for Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, whose example is clearly the best one to follow

American sports: Have now seen their viewership numbers erode to the point where a guy talking to the Senate draws better ratings than they do

Donald J. Trump: Well, after that testimony, I’d say Hillary Clinton has this in the bag. There’s no way Trump can win the election now

Stripping away basic freedoms to fight terrorism: You’re supposed to do this in secret, not publicly promise it. Come on, Theresa

You: Because I have to mention Nigel Farage somewhere in here, and now you’ve been reminded of his existence

Image: Author unknown (NME) / Michael Vadon (Wikimedia Commons) / Hendrix Nash (Wikimedia Commons) / Public doman 1, 2 / Dr. #Content (horrible GIMP job)