Winners And Losers From The UK Election And The Comey Hearings

Thursday was an eventful day, with major developments on both sides of the Atlantic. Insert joke about the venerable magazine here. 

WINNERS:

Having a coherent, clear, ambitious, and inspiring progressive agenda: Now proven to be a winning hand, this strategy has paved the way to being completely ignored by the Democratic establishment in 2020

Lord Buckethead: In a complete surprise, a goofy, bizarre joke candidate gained widespread attention and public adulation

Renowned British grime artist JME: And me as well, because I somehow have an excuse to mention him for entirely political reasons

Hillary Clinton and the Democrats: Compared to what Theresa May and the Tories just put up, their 2016 campaign now looks positively brilliant

The American people: Seeing as Ted Cruz was fairly quiet through this round of Comey hearings

Actually campaigning in person: There’s a reason why political candidates tend to do this, Mrs. May

Jeremy Corbyn: Scored an extraordinary political victory and doesn’t have to deal directly with Donald Trump

James Comey: Now we love him again

 

PYRRHIC WINNERS:

Theresa May: Well, I don’t think I need to explain this one

 

LOSERS: 

John McCain: The legendary maverick once again stood up to power during the Comey testimony, bravely breaching the subject of Hillary’s emails

The Daily Mail and Sun: Few things are more satisfying than putting these two hack papers in the Losers column, I’ll tell you that

Having confidence in polls: See, you’d think the Tories would have learned from the Brexit and Trump debacles, but noooooooooope

Calling an unnecessary vote because you think it’ll shore up your political mandate: To be fair, it worked for Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, whose example is clearly the best one to follow

American sports: Have now seen their viewership numbers erode to the point where a guy talking to the Senate draws better ratings than they do

Donald J. Trump: Well, after that testimony, I’d say Hillary Clinton has this in the bag. There’s no way Trump can win the election now

Stripping away basic freedoms to fight terrorism: You’re supposed to do this in secret, not publicly promise it. Come on, Theresa

You: Because I have to mention Nigel Farage somewhere in here, and now you’ve been reminded of his existence

Image: Author unknown (NME) / Michael Vadon (Wikimedia Commons) / Hendrix Nash (Wikimedia Commons) / Public doman 1, 2 / Dr. #Content (horrible GIMP job)

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