WINNERS: 

The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*

*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”. 

Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot

Fraudulent attempts to defame the pro-net neutrality crowd: Because making it seem as though they’re not smart enough to spell “net neutrality” is a good way to undermine their position

#content: The end of net neutrality is a major victory for #content—the vacuous, edgeless, gelatinous slurry major companies carefully engineer for maximum mass appeal, and which under the new rules will secure the preferential treatment it needs to totally drown out art, literature, and thought which displays any level of sincerity, invention, or challenge to the status quo

Going into every situation assuming the absolute worst, so that anything better than that is a pleasant surprise: One-for-two on the pleasant surprises this week ain’t bad at all

The Democratic Party: Might… actually be… gaining momentum… and… formulating a cogent strategy… to take back Congress in 2018?

LOSERS: 

The Trump administration: Who would have thought that the Senate seat which belonged to Jeff freaking Sessions at this time last year would now be in the hands of a Democrat

Black women: As if they didn’t have enough on their plate before being publicly recognized as the last hope to save America from itself

Paul Ryan: Rumored to be planning to retire from Congress once his turn is up, which at least shows that he reads the writing on the wall from his disgruntled constituents better than his late grandfather, Andrew Ryan

Harvard University: Alumnus Ajit Pai ’94 blatantly and publicly ignored overwhelming public opposition to push through the net neutrality repeal today, a blow for a troubled institution that has been trying to shed its long-held image as the source of all the evil in the world

The Republican Party: After spending all these years legalizing guns, decided the Roy Moore candidacy was the perfect time to point them all directly at their own feet

Roy Moore: Pretty embarrassing that a serial pedophile who flaunted Constitutional law in favor of his reading of the Bible and made a range of ____phobic statements against everyone from LGBT people to black people to Jews couldn’t win a political race in the Deep South

Battling the perception that coastal liberals view the South derisively: #sorrynotsorry

 

Image is a composite of two caricatures by Wikimedia and Flickr Commons illustrator DonkeyHotey