Republicans

Winners and Losers from the G.O.P.’s Healthcare Debacle

Yesterday, the Republicans pulled their much-hyped bill to replace Obamacare, after failing to secure enough votes from within the party to ensure its passage. Here are the winners and losers from one of the most embarrassing failures in the party’s history: 

WINNERS: 

The United States of America: Racked up a thumping 6-0 win over Honduras on Friday night, a vital lifeline for their chances of qualifying for the 2018 FIFA World Cup

Barack Obama: Well, duh (more…)

The G.O.P. Couldn’t Pass Their Healthcare Bill, and Other Utterly Incomprehensible Phenomena

Earlier today, the Republican leadership in the House pulled their proposed healthcare bill from consideration, saying that, despite having a Republican majority in Congress that has long vowed to repeal the Affordable Care Act, their attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act didn’t have enough votes to pass.

It’s a truly stunning development, one nobody could have expected.

How did the GOP fail to pass this bill? (more…)

Lose (“Wolves” Parody)

[Hook: Reince Priebus]
He’s down, she’s up
Losin’, polls found
There must be, some way up
Don’t don’t lie, polls polls lie
Down and she’s up
Polls found, losin’
There must be, some way up
Polls can’t lie, polls don’t lie

[Verse 1: Reince Priebus]
Lost and, found out
Turned out, how we feared
They all, found out
What Trump’s about, what Trump’s about
If Ronald knew now
How we’d turned out, he’d go wild (more…)

Winners and Losers from the Vice-Presidential Debate

WINNERS

Mike Pence: Did remarkably well, considering his upbringing as a starched shirt brought to life in an unholy laboratory experiment

Seeing your opponent as human rather than openly hating their guts: Kaine and Pence displayed clear, long-held respect for one another, demonstrating that it is possible to engage with someone with a differing political agenda without pulling a knife on them and calling them an elaborate portmanteau of five different racial and sexual slurs

(more…)

Could It Be? Could It Be?!?! It IS!!! It’s… Another Episode of Winners and Losers (This Time from the February 25 GOP Debate)

WINNERS:

Men incapable of convincingly masking the ravages of male-pattern baldness: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and now Marco Rubio were repping hard, hard, hard for this underserved constituency

Ben Carson: Somehow the most charming and likable of the remaining candidates

Wolf Blitzer: Made the most of CNN’s tenure offer, putting in the debate-moderator equivalent of a professor showing up to lecture an hour late, unaware that he is fully nude

Ted Cruz: Honestly, it’s kind of adorable how he still thinks a man who considers Chief Justice John Roberts a liberal traitor has enough crossover appeal to win a general election

(more…)