How Has Ted Cruz So Thoroughly Misunderstood The Simpsons?

Yesterday at the Conservative Political Action Conference, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, the junior United States Senator from Texas (in the Senate) and supposedly avid fan of such institutional works of popular film and television as The Simpsons and The Princess Bride, said, “The Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer, Bart, Maggie and Marge.” How did Ted Cruz so thoroughly misread his favorite show as to come to this interpretation, and more to the point, how did he think this interpretation would reflect badly on the Democrats?

(It should be noted before we begin that I’ve seen maybe 15-20 Simpsons episodes ever.)



Priebus Lost: Book 4

IN summer Cleveland, four Days and four Nights
Of turmoil pass’d within th’Arena huge
Of Quicken Loans cacophonous, whose Stage
Was by the Right’s abundant talent cross’d;
From fi’ry Giuliani, to young Ernst
Star rising of the Party, and Cotton, he
Who for a 2020 run e’en now
Was being groomed, so dim were thought the odds
For Trump this year: All spake their piece on stage,
And so did Carson, Christie, Rubio,
All former rivals of Trump pacifi’d
And now begrudgingly allow’d to speak
(Alongside the founder of UFC
As well as some guy from Duck Dynasty).
Four days of vicious slurs against the Dems,
Felonious Hillary denounc’d, with cries
Of “Benghazi!” oft interspers’d, and “Blue
Lives Matter!” too, had pass’d, and some small hope
For Trump’s success renew’d, despite the calls
From holdouts various to stand oppos’d
To their own Candidate, and vote instead
Their Conscience, and concede to Hillary
Before one Vote was cast. In secret now
Was Priebus met with his Lieutenants; cheers
And ovations upon their Chief
And mastermind they shower’d: “Noble Reince,
Wise Priebus, Chairman great of all the Right,
Your words again have proven true: while we,
Your faithless Crew, thought Trump divisive, foul,
Incapable of beating Clinton, you
Maintain’d your Trust, and without fear or qualm
Our Nominee endors’d; and now we see
Your faith repaid. His fervent Speech capp’d off
A Convention magnificent, and prov’d
That of Restraint he’s capable, and that
His careless words and deeds shall not define
His White House bid, and even less impair
Republicans elsewhere in their Campaigns:
The Senate and the House shall not turn Blue.”
At this untemper’d praise delighted, Reince
Repli’d in turn: “Aides, trusty Staffers, friends
And comrades firm, there is no need to fear
Trump simple, easily controll’d, who has
No desire to lead himself, and gave
We true Conservatives total license
To write his Platform, and his Veep, the grey
And archconservative Mike Pence, select:
He only thinks of Winning, nothing more.
The White House he shall give us, after which
The actual Rule shall be our own. Now come,
My charges, let us go and witness him
Campaign across the Nation; watch how he
Expounds our winning Message, and promotes
Conservative Contestants high and low,
By his charisma raising each and all
Who shares our Principles. With him to mouth
The people’s Voice, our victory is sure:
For crony Hillary the White House gates
Shall clos’d remain, now and forevermore.”


Priebus Lost: Book 1

OF the Base’s Disobedience, and the Rise
Of th’orange Fiend, whose dreadful words
Brought Strife into the Right, and all our woe,
With loss of Donors, which allow’d the Dems
In four quick years to right their myriad Ills,
Sing, Reag’nly Muse, that with thine glowing talk
Of shining City on Hill, didst inspire
This Party, and first taught the chosen Pols
In the Beginning how th’Income of All
With Tax Cuts for the Rich would rise; I thence
Invoke thy aid to my adventurous Song,
That if I get some luck might someday grace
The hallowed Leaves of Kristol’s Standard, or,
I daren’t dream, the National Review,
That pinnacle sheer of Right-wing Thought.
Say first, for Reason hides nothing from thy view,
Nor Mainstream Media foul, say first what cause
Moved our feal Voters from their happy State,
Favor’d of the Kochs so highly, to stray
From their obed’nt Path, and flout our Will
For a man who the badge “Conservative”
Op’nly mock’d? How were they by him seduc’d
To foul Revolt, against all we have deem’d
Moral and true, against all right and Right?
Th’infernal Donald: ‘twas he whose boasts
Stirr’d ‘mongst working class Whites twin burning fires
Of Envy and Revenge. We laugh’d him off
And from the Prim’ry Race did not evict,
But gave him licence broad to stir the Pot
And thrill the Base, and draw the Media’s gaze:
A harmless flight before simple Marco
Or placid Jeb was picked, or so we thought:
And now, behold our dismal current State,
To braggart Demon we by Party lines
Beholden render’d, by our Leadership
Betray’d for naught but Power’s fleeting taste.
Muse, tell our Story; start, before all else,
Late in the Primaries, the last Debate
Before Nomination, that we might know
The devastation first, the character
O’th’ Ghoul which was unleash’d upon the land,
And then extrapolate his Origins,
Derive his Engineers and Architects
With understanding full of what they wrought.



Winners and Losers from the Net Neutrality Repeal and the Alabama Senate Election


The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*

*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”. 

Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot (more…)


THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)


I Love Donald

 [Verse: Pretty much any Republican lawmaker, honestly, but preferably one from the South]
I miss the old Donald, straight talkin’ bold Donald,
New Yorker soul Donald, covered in gold Donald
I hate the new Donald, breaks all the rules Donald,
Senile old fool Donald, just Putin’s ghoul Donald
I miss the brash Donald, drew crowds en masse Donald
I gotta say, back then he warn’t such an ass Donald
See, we all vaunted Donald, the people wanted Donald,
And now we dodge and dodge the charge that we’ve begotten Donald 
I once endorsed Donald, I once endorsed Donald,
I even had the MAGA hat, that’s right I wore Donald,
But if Donald wrote a tweet about Donald,
Said, “I miss the old Donald”, I’d still say, “no, Donald!”
I’m not above Donald, I still love Donald
Though not as much as Donald loves Donald
[Verse: Bill Kristol]
I miss the old Party, the Barry Gold Party
Still had a soul Party, loved by the Kochs Party
I hate the new Party, racist and lewd Party
Tea Party crewed Party, the just bad news Party
I miss the proud Party, couldn’t be cowed Party
I gotta say, loved our beliefs and yelled ‘em loud Party
When we began the Party, was a Reaganic Party
And now I look and look around at this depressive-manic Party
It once was one Party, it once was one Party
I even had the lapel pin, back when that was the Party
So disheartened, wrote an op, about the Party,
Called “I Miss The Old Party,” now I got no Party!
Its race is run Party, fork-in-it-done Party
Think it’s time we departed this Party 

A Hot Take™ On The Democrats’ “Better Deal”

Today, after much flailing about and increased frustration from the left, the Democratic Party finally unveiled a proper, coherent platform on which to run against the Republican majority in 2018. (more…)