Paul Ryan

Winners and Losers from the Net Neutrality Repeal and the Alabama Senate Election

WINNERS: 

The American people: With the repeal of the restrictive and unhelpful net neutrality rules, will enjoy more freedom and choice than ever*

*This entry is written in doublespeak. For a translation to straight talk, replace “The American people” with “We Verizon executives”; add “for our bottom line” after “restrictive and unhelpful”; and add “in purchasing yachts, private jets, limited-production European supercars, and fourth homes on the Riviera” after “more freedom and choice”. 

Doug Jones: Pulled off the most stunning victory in Alabama since Cal Naughton, Jr. won at Talladega after Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard were disqualified for crossing the finish line on foot (more…)

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Winners and Losers from Monday’s Indictments

WINNERS:

Robert S. Mueller III: Delivered an important step towards unraveling the ongoing catastrophe at the heart of American government and is about to get a well-earned vacation if the president has any say in the matter

George W. Bush: Ugh, this whole thing will probably further rehabilitate his image, won’t it (more…)

THE LIFE OF RONALD Is Complete At Last

Last year, having already written a deeply underappreciated spoof of “No More Parties In L.A.” in which Ted Cruz and John Kasich argue that they could still beat Donald Trump for the Republican nomination if they just had one more G.O.P. debate, I made the in hindsight thoroughly ill-advised decision to parody the rest of Kanye West’s 2016 album, The Life of Pablo, but make it about Republicans. Thus, The Life of Ronald was born. (more…)

Winners And Losers From Our Current Mess

 

WINNERS: 

The National Anthem: The third song off Radiohead’s Kid A remains a bizarre, fascinating classic

The 1800s: Roy Moore’s victory in the Republican primary for Alabama’s vacant Senate seat was a major coup for the embattled century (more…)

7 Years

[Intro: The ghostly voice of Ted Kennedy from beyond the grave]
Healthcare repeal
Soundly defeated
 
[Verse 1: Paul Ryan]
You say you never saw this comin’, well you’re not alone
Shoulda been an easy win but we just got owned
The Dems said we couldn’t do it without a fight
I thought for sure we had enough votes, I guess they were right
I wake up, assessin’ the damages
Checkin’ Washington Post now
Say I pled for votes on my hands and knees
And it’s clear to all I’m fucking toast now
I wake up, all veggies no eggs
I hit the gym, all chest no legs
Yep, then I made myself a smoothie
Yep, don’t think ‘bout how they gonna sue me
The Congress, the White House, The White House back to Congress
I can tell, I can tell, some blood is gonna spill
Wish I was drivin’ far enough to switch the time zone
Felt like a matter of time at the time though
Now, I just want wine though

(more…)

How Your Favorite Politicians Spent Memorial Day Weekend

Donald Trump: Glancing at the people around him, seeing they were bowing their heads in remembrance, and quickly doing the same

Paul Ryan: As always, mourning the billions of dollars our government has tragically taken from wealthy Americans

Mike Pence: Attending the Indianapolis 500 in his home state, his presence blessing the American drivers with the speed and motivation to finish as high as 7th place  (more…)