Winners and Losers from—Christ, Another One?!—the January 28 Republican Debate

WINNERS:

Chris Christie: Continuing to be at the debates is a win-win situation: He doesn’t have to spend time in Trenton, and New Jersey doesn’t have to deal with him

Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University: Hey, he was on TV for a minute there! Good for him

John Kasich: Despite being unable to shake his chronic case of being John Kasich, clearly getting enough support from somewhere to remain on the mainstage

Young people with over two million YouTube subscribers: Based on the evidence of the past several debates, will wield more influence over the next election than any other demographic group

LOSERS:

Marco Rubio: While he kept true to his promise from early in the debate that “I’m not leaving the stage no matter what you ask me,” he’s already missed two campaign events today because of it

Rand Paul: Received no medical attention, despite opening his mouth and spewing substance, evidence, and even compassion all over the debate stage

Donald Trump: After choosing to sit out the debate, looked down at his hands and saw, to his horror, that they were becoming increasingly transparent

Ted Cruz: Keeps on saying “radical Islamic terrorism” even though his staffers keep reminding him that this isn’t the ‘90s and saying “radical” no longer appeals to the youth vote

Ben Carson: Recited the Preamble of our Constitution in his closing statement, spurning a glorious opportunity to sing it to the classic Schoolhouse Rock tune

Megyn Kelly: Kind of ironic that she would have such a vicious disagreement with Donald Trump because, as we saw last night, she holds some pretty reprehensible views toward Muslims herself

Jeb Bush: Florida Man Uses National Debate Stage To Tell People To Buy His Book

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